Help to Surviving the Dark Days of Recovery

Samuel shares humorous but effective stories about how to make it though the dark days of recovery.

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My dday was January 5, 2017.

My dday was January 5, 2017. The husband of my husband's AP called me at work and filled me in on the nearly long year affair. I found AR and your blogs almost immediately, reading and listening to all I could to make sense of what had happened. We didn't have a fantastical marriage. WE had our share of ups and downs and then I guess during one of the downs he felt as if it were over (apparently because I told him it was) and almost simultaneously this old friend from high school calls him and in a matter of weeks he was in her state in a hotel room....they kept in touch, her facilitating all of it. He told her it was done. He wasn't feeling right. He still loved his wife he told her in September. Still communication via text and just a day or two after New Years he met with her again and the husband knew and filled me in. I was in shock for sure. Looking back the way my body felt, my mind, the way I moved was almost out-of-body. He seemed remorseful, crying and crying, begging for me for our marriage to be saved. We separated for 3ish months but seemed right when he came home and I wanted it and it seemed he wanted it. All the while she has been texting him, calling him using different phone numbers every time (because he blocked the number he knew). He never responded to her. This last point of contact was in August. A total rip down of him by her. Slamming me. Slamming him. Blaming him for breaking her heart and ruining her life. He shared the text with me and although I thought we talked it thru he hasn't been the same since. So much so, that I asked him to leave again and so we have been separated since August.

Through all of this I have been in therapy, I'm 9 weeks in to HH, reading, watching blogs, meeting with my priest on occasion. He has done very, very little. As a matter of fact, I would not even call it trying. WHY????? He doesn't want to be with her. Hasn't reached out to her. I've told him to! Go be with her. I am in a major rut. I will sleep as soon as my kids leave the house for school. They are teens, 4 of them, and they do not know what their father has done, they just know we are separated and trying to work it out. They don't see me fall apart. The joy has been sucked out of me.

Why doesn't he care enough to help me get thru this? Why has he abandoned me? Why isn't he grateful I was willing to forgive and move forward? Why won't he go to therapy? WE communicate about children, work, business and house stuff, but he hasn't reached out to me personally in months.

I've had very few days of joy since dday and coming into the holidays and the year anniversary, I'm feeling more alone than ever. The only joy I get is from my children--their accomplishments. My oldest and only son, who is graduating this year was just awarded MVP of his football team. This is my joy I suppose, but there a huge hole there as well.

I miss my husband! Why is it that the betrayed are always the ones fighting for their marriage? I feel it should be the other way around.

My dday was January 5, 2017.

My dday was January 5, 2017. The husband of my husband's AP called me at work and filled me in on the nearly long year affair. I found AR and your blogs almost immediately, reading and listening to all I could to make sense of what had happened. We didn't have a fantastical marriage. WE had our share of ups and downs and then I guess during one of the downs he felt as if it were over (apparently because I told him it was) and almost simultaneously this old friend from high school calls him and in a matter of weeks he was in her state in a hotel room....they kept in touch, her facilitating all of it. He told her it was done. He wasn't feeling right. He still loved his wife he told her in September. Still communication via text and just a day or two after New Years he met with her again and the husband knew and filled me in. I was in shock for sure. Looking back the way my body felt, my mind, the way I moved was almost out-of-body. He seemed remorseful, crying and crying, begging for me for our marriage to be saved. We separated for 3ish months but seemed right when he came home and I wanted it and it seemed he wanted it. All the while she has been texting him, calling him using different phone numbers every time (because he blocked the number he knew). He never responded to her. This last point of contact was in August. A total rip down of him by her. Slamming me. Slamming him. Blaming him for breaking her heart and ruining her life. He shared the text with me and although I thought we talked it thru he hasn't been the same since. So much so, that I asked him to leave again and so we have been separated since August.

Through all of this I have been in therapy, I'm 9 weeks in to HH, reading, watching blogs, meeting with my priest on occasion. He has done very, very little. As a matter of fact, I would not even call it trying. WHY????? He doesn't want to be with her. Hasn't reached out to her. I've told him to! Go be with her. I am in a major rut. I will sleep as soon as my kids leave the house for school. They are teens, 4 of them, and they do not know what their father has done, they just know we are separated and trying to work it out. They don't see me fall apart. The joy has been sucked out of me.

Why doesn't he care enough to help me get thru this? Why has he abandoned me? Why isn't he grateful I was willing to forgive and move forward? Why won't he go to therapy? WE communicate about children, work, business and house stuff, but he hasn't reached out to me personally in months.

I've had very few days of joy since dday and coming into the holidays and the year anniversary, I'm feeling more alone than ever. The only joy I get is from my children--their accomplishments. My oldest and only son, who is graduating this year was just awarded MVP of his football team. This is my joy I suppose, but there a huge hole there as well.

I miss my husband! Why is it that the betrayed are always the ones fighting for their marriage? I feel it should be the other way around.

great questions for sure....

hi there.  thank you for posting and sharing.  it's tough.  the fact is, it happens often that the unf will be the one dragging their feet and being lazy and ambivalent and disinterested etc.   it's probably due to a few things.  1. shame.  shame continues to make things about us and our choices and our pain and our embarrassment due to what we've done.  we make it about us and we stay stuck in pity, self loathing, etc etc.  it's wrong, but it happens and we then retreat to hiding and self absorption.  2. he's maybe still acting out and still involved with her or someone else which is causing him to remain ambivalent and caught in his own apprehension. i'm so glad you have your kids to love and care for and celebrate life with.  hh will help you as well.  you have to continue to find joy in the life you have.  

maybe, the ems weeked would be an option?  would he attend? you could attend, see if that works and if not, then divorce quite frankly as if he won't respond to that and to experts then perhaps it's just time to be done.  

he's making this about him and his pain and probably his own resentment still that he has towards you to be honest.  there is a blog on here that i did about resentment as well from the unfaithful if you haven't seen it. 

 

Thank you! I do not believe

Thank you! I do not believe he is acting out. I think it is the shame. The last meaningful conversation around Labor Day he was crying, broken. says he loves me so much, but how could I ever love him again? How could I forgive him? How he has nothing but total respect for me and how sorry he is. I thought was going to be a turning point, but it wasn't....he is lost.

I have watched dozens of your videos. I went to the last page and started working my way back and now am back to watching the more current ones right now. I will look for articles on resentment....I feel too like he is mad at me. Why can't he forgive me, when I'm willing to forgive him? Or at least try. He just gave up....

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