Who Should Be the Priority Early on in Repair Work?

Samuel discusses how to prioritize our own individual healing while discussing a major struggle couples in recovery face.

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Thank you for speaking

Thank you for speaking directly to me today. The last month has been a time of extreme turmoil. I am 16 months past the original "D Day". I had actually known if many of my wife's indiscretions over the last 19 years, but she never would admit, even shen she caught an STD 4 years ago this month. When confronted with lab work proving i didn't give it to her, she finally admitted to infidelity. Problem was, she started her confession with another lie. Over several months she trickle fed me more information. A total of 4 affair partners came out, then she stopped. She said it was all in the past, she had made her peace with God and was a different person now, and i needed to just accept and move past it. She has refused to discuss the matter any further.
Immediately post D Day we began seeing an excellent Christian counselor, but after a month she said the counselor was focusing on her and stopped going. I continued to see him for a couple of months until my EAP visits ran out. My insurance would not pay for him because he was a Christian based counselor, so i had to stop going.
In the interim we have sought treatment for my wife. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD secondary to abuse as a youth. She is making progress in her treatment, but we are still in turmoil. Her counselor recommended we see a marriage counselor in her office and we did, with the same results. 5 weeks in my wife stopped, even before we even touched on infidelity.
I have been reading and praying and following the blogs at Affair Recovery for months now. I am aware we need help. I have been processing many aspects of our life, but she still refuses to discuss anything. I'm in turmoil to the point i have a hard time functioning.
Your post today spoke directly to me. Regardless of what she does, i must get help. Finances and lack of time have held me back. Today God led me to open my email and watch your blog. I wil follow your advice.
Thank you!

honored i could help you my friend.

so glad i could help and be a friend.  i'm very sorry to hear how tough things have been and certainly i'm sorry for the complications with Bipolarism etc.  i know that's so much to deal with.  yes, it's essential you take care of you my friend.  it has to be done.  i'll be thinking about you and praying for you.  stay close to the lord. 

Recovery Timeline

You Mentioned in this video a recovery timeline. Where would I find it. I don't do Twitter. It's been about 6 months since D'Day. We both are in counseling and a married couples' program for infidelity, as well as AR and books on infidelity. We get very anxious about how long this recovery takes. Please help.

Thanks to all you do for all of us hurting couples.

Recovery Time Line

We are 14 months from the original D day and 6 months from the D Day of full truth. I am the unfaithful. My husband does not want to seek any counseling, books, videos for himself. He also only wants us (We share finances.) to pay for counseling through insurance, and he knows I have purchased several books. I have suggested EMS, and he refuses.
I have read, listened, attended counseling and am continuing. He has said he is "trying". I am unsure what work I need and how else to help US and ME. Can I help him? I believe we are both committed to the marriage, and I know he is very unhappy. He still has multi hour anger sessions about once a week.
How do I help him? What can I do to help him? Me? Us? Please share the timeline for recovery article. Also, is there any order/suggestion for watching the videos? Thank you so much for all your help! I really do appreciate everything.

happy to do all i can for you

for starters, here is the recovery timeline article: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline

he may need space and compassion right now.  the reality is, he probably doesn't understand much of what he is feeling or facing and doesn't know how to handle it.  it requires expert help.  ask him if he will talk to me and what he thinks and if so, i'll see if i can help him and work with him a bit.  if not, then i'd still see about the bootcamp when he's ready and that you're wanting to get help to just visit options and help both of you, not assume he will save the marriage or assume he will do anything that he is free to choose as he pleases and you'll give him all the time he needs. 

 

I would add even,

That it is almost MORE important to the betrayed to see the unfaithful taking charge of their recovery full force. True initiative in wanting to heal; seeking out every resource available. We don’t need them to find recovery for us; they already damaged us. Give us space to heal. But, trusting and having faith in the unfaithful as a partner in a marriage is next to impossible until they actually show real tangible initiative in their own help. Personally, I don’t need a broken man to rescue me, and I don’t want to have to rescue him. I want a partner; a real partner in our marriage. It’s all I ever wanted. Instead, he fell for exactly the person who treated him like a victim and perpetuated the triangle with him trading places of rescuer and victim, making everyone else a perpetrator.
I won’t do that for him. I expect, truth, honesty, and a partner. Simple.

Struggling

Hi! My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and he told me about his addiction a little over 2 years ago—I recognize that it’s been much longer than some of the other commenters on here! However I just found this website.

I’m so grateful for this video to know that as a betrayed partner, I’m not alone in feeling like 60% of couples with, “what about me?” in my recovery! Something that I’ve been hung up on since he told me (and I think this is because of the trauma) is that in the first 6 months or so, he got support in 12 step meetings, he got recovery chips every month, his therapist encouraged him to reward himself for recovery, he got the love and support of family and friends, while I was told by my therapist that I had OCD, was handed a mindfulness book and told to do yoga, and felt like his progress in recovery just added to the betrayal! Ultimately I feel like my husband got what I needed to feel safe again and I got nothing all that time, despite being in therapy now. I’m stuck! How can I get over the resentment of his recovery?? This is something my many therapists have never been able to give me answers to for some reason. Thank you!

extremely normal...

hi there. this is a normal phenomenon if you will.  the unfaithful gets all this help and healing and the betrayed is marginalized and left behind.  it's vital that you are able to get help for you.  this course will help immensely:   https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope  it's a safe place to help you find healing and care for your own journey and pain.  it's also vital that you're able to ask him to do work WITH you so that you can both bridge the gap between you two.  this course may work for you both:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online  it's a huge piece of the puzzle to be able to secure time for you both to be on the same page and for him to actually prioritize your healing and not let you be left behind.  i can't tell you how normal this is for some that are trying to heal.  it will also take you grieving, and doing grief work, while then proceeding towards forgiveness while he's also working to help you feel safe and cared for  and prioritized.

 

 

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your response, this was extremely helpful!! God bless!