Why Can My Spouse Be so Vulnerable with Their Affair Partner but Not with Me

Samuel provides framework to one of the most sensitive questions a betrayed spouse can ask their unfaithful spouse.

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Stuck

I think this has been the hardest thing to overcome. There can be no "newness" in our marriage when we've been together for the majority of our lives. It's really hard to worship the ground he walks on when he's so destroyed my heart. The OW was NO competition for me in any other avenue of life except this one. So as a betrayed ... how do we "compete" with this fantasy? How do we "compete" with a facade?

worship....

hi there.  the 'worship the ground he walks on' seems as though maybe you think that's what I'm implying?  i've also stated several times in previous vlogs that you really can't compete with a fantasy.  the way out if you will, for both of you, is going to be him receiving expert care for his own healing and insight.  he will need expert care to see why he cheated, and what led him to do what he did and it's NOT that you were a bad spouse or anything like that.  it's that something inside of him was lacking and he was able to justify what he did to himself first.  trying to compete with a fantasy will only make things worse, frustrate you and make the process even more painful.

it's about helping you heal on your own while he also does his own work.  then, as you both are doing your own work, you can start to build the new.  it will take forgiveness on your part, but it will take gut wrenching self confrontation on his part as well.  not sure where worshipping the ground he walks on will help or come in.  

 

hope that helps in some way. 

 

confused

What if the AP was his ex wife? Someone who wasn't new someone who cheated on him to the man she is still married to.It has been 1yr 8mo sense D day. He refuses to talk about it to me. She is a very miserable person so I guess misery loves company. we have been married 20yrs.This EA,has been going on 10yrs that I have proof of half my marriage!!! Wont sweep this under the rug so I havebeen working on me. Still feel so lost!

Clarity

Thank you for this video. It helps so much to understand his thinking and make sense of things he says that are still hurtful and confusing to me. It brings so much clarity that does help so much in the healing.
I understand the chemical things and fantasy land and everything that happened in his brain. Are there changes that happen in the betrayed spouses brain as well? Or is it just the process of recovery and the timeline we are in?
We are coming up on the year anniversary of D-Day
And 7 months of him being back home. I am very proud of him and for the most part I believe our recovery work is going well. Even through his affair, before I found out and even after he left home, I trusted him. I trusted him when he was lying and now that hes not and he hasn't done anything to make me think otherwise, all of the sudden I am struggling with trust. Is this normal for this timeline and why does that happen? Is it also normal to look back on all our years of marriage before the affair and feel like it wasnt real? I feel like I'm standing on the outside looking in on a life that wasnt really mine. Is that normal and will I ever be able to see our life before this the same again?
I would like to know more about the process of the mind for the betrayed to help make sense of it to me and be able to explain better what is happening in my head and heart to him. I dont always know how to explain myself and the pain to him well.
Thank you for the resources you provide.