Survivors' Blog

When I received my first contract to publish in 2006, I never imagined the path of the next decade. The biggest 'high' of my life ended with the biggest low. For the first time in my life I'd ventured into a pursuit completely of my own making, my own dream. The story I'd spent six months crafting was considered enviable, a work worth taking the risk a publisher takes every time they invest time, money and effort into a new author. I'd accomplished what few aspiring authors would: a book publishing contract. Maybe this was God's way of preparing me for the absolute devastation that would follow a decade later when my husband assembled my adult children in order to shame me. He announced in levity that he'd spent a decade sexually engaged with my brother's ex., a further seventeen years as 'Just Friends'. He wanted to make me look the fool. "What?", I hear you thinking. Who looked the fool? That's how far down the self-deception and unhealthy thinking path of addiction my unfaithful husband had travelled. He'd convinced himself that his infidelity reflected badly upon me. His descent into alcoholism and validation addiction had led him to that moment; a moment that will forever live in infamy in the book of my life. Ah, but a few rotten chapters do not make for a failed book or personal story. When we enter this life, we've no idea what twists and turns it will hold. If you live long enough you can be certain of mountain top highs and devastating losses. As children we have no reason to imagine the loss of our parents, the absence of friends through distance or judgment. We certainly have no earthly reason to think the one person we'd vowed to spend our life with could or would betray us. As an infidelity survivor I enter this world of Affair Recovery, blogging with some trepidation, but mostly, I hope to provide a voice for those who struggle to find the words to express the circuitous, yoyo journey we ride post discovery. Both unfaithful and betrayed have no earthly notion for what they are in store. If a person had knowledge of this hellish path toward recovery, cases of infidelity would surely be few and far between. The costs are beyond most of our imaginations. Thing is, we are all human; and in our humanity lives frailty, imperfection, self-centeredness and the seeds of failure. We all fail. Some of us had the misfortune to be brought up in a family that transmitted pain of generations past. None of us is born to betray. No one is born a criminal, rapist, or swindler. We are grown. Pain not transformed will be transmitted. As an Affair Recovery member you will hear this wise phrase many times. We humans are born with an innate drive to protect our lives, our security. When we live in an insecure environment, it warps the tender naivety. We learn to lie. We learn to hide. We learn to keep secrets. There but for the grace of God go I. I pray I never become so self-assured, so delusional as to think I could not have found myself in a similar place many of our unfaithful now occupy. Given the right (or should I say wrong) set of life circumstances, I too might have made the painful, destructive choices in which we are now mired. My personality, my frailties might have molded me to make destructive choices. Dear recovery partners, I implore you to consider our humanity, our fragility, our weaknesses that challenge even the strongest of us. Even the most blessed, the richest, the best-looking, the smartest have fallen to the pull of delusional thinking, of anger or brokenness. There but for the grace of God. There but for the blessing of time and place and family and luck. I find myself as a betrayed spouse, yes. I have suffered the slings and arrow of outrageous injustice and the agony of knowing I will never be able to un-think, unlearn, un-see, un-feel the costs of my unfaithful spouses choices. Unfair? You bet. Unheard of? Sadly not. All too common? Yes. I am a woman struggling to recover from the most painful revelation of multiple infidelities I could never have imagined. I am a financial and sexual betrayal survivor. I am a survivor. I will not only survive. I will live to thrive, to help others to thrive. I invite you to walk with me as I trek the pathway toward a better life; a life full of joy and gratitude and serenity. One day at a time I am taking steps forward, steps backward, ups and downs. Join me. Let's walk together.

Research shows that there is a growing number of unfaithful women. Exact numbers are hard to come by, and I expect that will always be the case. If unfaithful spouses are lying, why would they be honest in research? Regardless, I think we can all learn qualitatively. And I feel called to put a voice behind the myths and questions out there. One of the biggest fears we have had to overcome was the notion that when a wife has an affair, this means she wants out of the marriage. I can only speak from our experience and the fellow unfaithful women I have the privilege of walking alongside, but this is simply not true. What I believe is more true, is that I just gave up on the marriage. I gave up on our marriage before I ever put any effort into it. Sadly, we put more time and money into our lawn and home than we did our marriage. I felt dead in the marriage. I assumed my husband didn't care about me. I stopped loving. I quit trying. I had completely unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be. I was really unfair to my husband to had expected him to be the bread winner, the knight in shining armor, the best friend, the expert dater, the perfect father, and to meet all of my broken needs. I was a pretty self-absorbed piece of crap. But I cannot say that I had an affair because I wanted to leave our marriage. This idea was terribly confusing for my husband at first and we really struggled because of it. This "myth" was incredibly difficult for us to overcome, because it implied to him that I always had wanted to leave him. This "myth" suggested that he was always plan B and I was just biding my time until I could find someone better that came along. The truth is, I was unfaithful because I am broken and sinful. I am selfish. To say I had intentions of leaving would have meant I actually thought something through. And trust me when I say I wasn't thinking clearly or at all during my infidelity. I don't mean to ever minimize what I have done. Ever. But to give myself any sort of credit that I had clarity of what I wanted or needed during my affairs seems ludicrous to me. I will be the first to jump in line and tell you how lost and unclear my thinking was. There is a saying "you can't blame the lost for being lost". While I certainly take 100% of the blame and responsibility for my sin, I also realize that in my selfishness and brokenness, I took the road map and I threw it out the window. But here is probably the ugliest and most honest thing I can admit about my infidelity. I think I was so wildly prideful and controlling, I always assumed I would never get caught. I assumed I could, in gluttonous fashion, keep my marriage and get my affirmation elsewhere. I never thought about the future, just the now. Being in an affair is much like being in a sixth-grade romantic relationship. It is downright embarrassing to come to terms with the reality that "I never thought that far ahead". I'm truly sorrowful for how shallow and insecure that sounds. I wish I had known better. I wish I had thought of anyone but myself. I cringe to think about the woman I became in those relationships. There are certain nuances between women and men for sure. But for most women who cheat, there is a raging insecurity underneath our facade that we have felt shame about and hidden from the rest of the world, including our spouses. And, you guessed it, a lack of firm boundaries. That all wraps itself up into an incredibly deep web of shame. Saddest of all is that by betraying our mates, we transfer all of that pain right into their hands. I will always be grateful for the time I was given to sort out my junk. I am forever grateful for the wisdom that AR will give us in that we should not rush to make decisions. I am grateful for you, the community of folks out there trying to sort out the pain and find healing. I realize I ventured into some deeper waters today. Perhaps waters that will disturb some, or comfort others. As I continue to grow in my own recovery, I am okay with that. Elizabeth

"Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money, the $#!* has Hit the Fan" Warren Zevon As a Christian, I always understood marriage to be a biblical union of two people, a part of God's plan for companionship as first illustrated in the Garden of Eden. Common text book definitions note a union of two people or a combination of two or more elements. While its roots are biblical, our society recognizes it as an institution, inherent with legal rights and responsibilities. As we all know, healing and reconciliation in this arena takes significant time and work. The problem is, the legal system we use to institutionalize marriage does not give incentive to allow time to "wait and see." While I have great appreciation for the request of AR early on in recovery to commit to giving the "stay or go" decision time, as an attorney I was often overwhelmed by the fact that my legal position in a divorce was at its best in the moment of discovery. In short, my ability to use adultery as a defense to claims of spousal support or character issues in custody diminished with each day I allowed to pass after discovery. Having sex with my wife could be seen as reconciliation by some courts. While I wanted to believe we might have a future, I couldn't "un-know" what I knew to be true as an attorney any more than I could undo the fact we were facing this destruction. About eight months into recovery my wife finally began to show an attitude of being "all in." She became truly committed to her own healing and was showing me she was willing to do whatever she could to salvage what was left of our marriage. While I was already deep in my individual work towards healing me, this seemed like the beginning of the journey towards healing us. I want to be clear, I always wanted to see "us" work. I've never wanted a divorce. In many ways, discovering her affair felt more like finding her passed out intoxicated by a dumpster than being jilted by another lover. She was sick and in need of help, and I knew there was so much more to her than her actions were showing. However, with my marriage pushed towards the literal edge of a cliff, it would have been irresponsible to not have done what I could to protect myself and my child's own safety and future well-being. In hopes of encouraging me to give it time, my wife was full of promises of how we would amicably divide assets and not seek any support if I decided to end the marriage. At that time, I did not know much with certainty. What I did know is she had been capable of going to great lengths to lie to me, for a long time, even when I thought that was not possible. Being an attorney, I knew there was great risk in giving the future of our marriage "time." These fears were exacerbated by the fact poverty was a real issue for me as a child, and the threat of losing what wealth I had accumulated worked strongly against efforts to build hope. Countless times I have seen people disappointed in my office when their understanding of someone else's promises and intentions did not pan out. While I appreciated her commitments to me to be "fair" and equitable if we split, I also knew the worst in people often comes out when they start worrying about how to pay the light bill. The real possibility of divorce meant her gloves could come off at any time, and I was tired of feeling naïve and exploited. I practice law in a small area in the south. While I knew a family law attorney I often referred clients to with success, the idea of calling her and revealing all my personal dysfunction was… well… humiliating to say the least. I truly thank God, I had the strength to swallow my pride in that moment and make the call. Now that I am over two years out, I can look back and see that decision was instrumental in giving me the space I needed to give my marriage a real chance. As we all know, fear will lie and distort your ability to act rationally. Marriage is seen by the eyes of the law as a contract, and as such there are certain inherent rights and obligations to anyone who enters. These rights are complicated and difficult to navigate, especially while trying to make room to be emotionally vulnerable to reconciliation. Some states consider adultery in determining matters of support or custody, some do not. Some judges interpret laws differently within a single jurisdiction. If I want to try separation should I leave or kick her out? The decision could affect my ability to seek custody, to keep a house, or other assets. The point is rules vary greatly and many of the decisions we face have lasting consequences, whether we realize it at the time or not. My state is one that honors the enforcement of post nuptial agreements. As a result, my wife and I were able to come to terms for dividing our lives if we ended up divorcing. No longer did I feel the stress of losing the grounds of adultery, should this attempt at reconciliation not work. This helped give me the ability to open up vulnerably to the idea of submitting myself again emotionally to my wife. I think it also fully opened my wife's eyes to all the security she had given up by her actions. Saying you understand is one thing, signing an enforceable contract expressing your understanding is another altogether. The law inherently affords you rights to your marriage so why not tailor those rights to your specific circumstances. Just as I do not think I could've successfully navigated a path to emotional healing without good therapists, my rights could not have been fully protected while trying to recover without the help of good legal counsel. As an attorney, I was lucky to have had the professional experience with colleagues to know who was best to consult. I know this is not so simple for others. Right after discovery, my wife and I sought counseling for the first time in our marriage. We bounced through several incompetent and incapable counselors before finally landing on good resources. It took time and money. I am afraid finding a lawyer can often be similar. However, the confidence of truly understanding your circumstances is worth the investment. When dealing with infidelity, emotions are high; and clear, rational thinking is hard to come by. In this environment, you are drilled with many decisions that will have lasting and generational effects. While the expense of retaining counsel may seem high, the expense of rashly giving up rights can be incalculable.

Last night we were attending church. If you are not a church goer, no judgement here. The number of times I set foot inside a church before I turned 25 was few and far between. Church can be such a healing place for many, yet such a triggering place for others. Throughout my own life I have seen so many good things done by the church. I have also witnessed the very worst of humanity inside the supposed church walls. However, I still believe in the church simply because I choose to follow Jesus and He believed in the church. However, instead of looking at the world at large and all of its problems, I think it wise to look in the mirror and start with me. The problem with the church has been me. You see, when I was in the middle of getting emotionally entangled in my first affair, I remember sitting in the row of a Christmas Eve church service. Recalling this memory of being such a pretender and hypocrite is very painful, and I am forcing myself to relive and retell because I know I never want to go back to that place. My husband has a beautiful singing voice and he leads worship. He was leading a song about how much we are loved. I remember at the time having a sinking feeling of "what am I doing?" I had just spent the day before seeing my affair partner (I was still justifying we were only friends) and wishing him a Merry Christmas. And probably the most honest thing I did at the time was mumble and not sing the words. There I was, sitting in the very place for folks who were broken and needed help, yet I refused to let go of my secret. And sadly, it would be four years later and another affair before I could come to any place of honesty and truth. What are some of your most haunting memories of what you did during your affairs? Did you have any wake up calls or times when you wanted to stop but you didn't? What did you do with those promptings? Did you come clean or did you ignore them? The most devastating part of my decision to betray is how long the shock waves last, and how far and wide they reach. Like flood waters, the effects of infidelity seep into every corner and crevice of a marriage. Fast forward to last night. I was fortunate enough to have my husband and my girls stand beside me at church. For the first time in a long time I was completely present. No distractions. No preoccupations. No shame. No secrets. I felt free. I felt like I belonged there and I had nothing to hide. I wanted to soak it all up and tears streamed down my cheeks as we worshipped. I cannot sing well but I sang loudly. And I meant every word that I give my all to something bigger than me. I have nothing on my own and I have been forgiven. What was done for me was out of love, and I want to become a person that can love like that. I am tired of beating myself up about what I have done. I no longer want to feel the need to excessively apologize for my sin. That doesn't mean I can't be realistic... but my true self is both amazing and horrific. My shame will only keep God from me and delay my healing. I have to accept myself all of my weaknesses, and my big neon sign of weakness is that I have craved and fallen prey to any kind of fatherly or sexual love from older men. I hope that where ever you find yourself today, you are working towards acceptance. Acceptance that none of us deserve, but the offer is there for the taking. Elizabeth

The Second Annual Hope Rising Conference was a sold out success. Now that it's On Demand, you too can learn practical ways to heal from experts and survivors alike. Purchase Hope Rising 2019 On Demand All ticket sales from Hope Rising Conference will be used to fund the Affair Recovery Scholarship Program. DONATE TODAY Hope Rising Schedule Download the Hope Rising 2019 Live Stream program 9:00am Session One Shelley Martinkus Rick Reynolds Break 10:28 am Session Two Laura Dr. John Haney Leslie Hardie Lunch: 12:00 - 1:30 1:30 pm Session Three Harboring Hope Participant Panel Sarah Morales Jessica McDaniel Break 2:55 pm Session Four Samuel MJ Denis Shelley Martinkus Streaming Tips Here are a few important instructions: Come here for a Live streaming test on October 3rd at 3:00 PM Central Time (USA). The day-of stream will begin promptly at 9:00 am. There will be a 15 minute break in the morning, a 90 minute break for lunch and a 10 minute break in the afternoon. If for whatever reason there are issues with the live stream, you will receive temporary access to a recording after it becomes available. We strongly recommend testing your internet speed before the event to make sure that you have enough bandwidth to watch the Live Stream Event without frequent buffering (pauses). You can use https://testmy.net/download to get a general estimate of the speeds you're receiving from your Internet Provider. Then, compare that to the table of speeds below. If you expect higher bandwidth than what's being reported, we recommend getting in touch with your Internet Provider for more information.  Our Live Stream Event will use Vimeo Live and your video quality will be automatically adjusted based on your internet speed. The quality of playback is largely dependent on how your ISP (Internet Service Provider) or mobile provider connects to Vimeo's playback servers.  The following table shows the minimum speeds required for each playback quality:       Quality                Required Minimum Bandwidth         360p                   1 Mbps         720p                   3 Mbps Here is a link to Vimeo's playbook issue troubleshooting suggestions: https://help.vimeo.com/hc/en-us/articles/115015759328-Troubleshoot-video-playback-issues-

The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, A puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, Not as they pretend to be. Jeremiah 17:9-10 Roots: Part 1 Remember those shallow roots we are developing? Experiencing "ah-ha" moments, as Oprah calls them, was one of the first steps of my true growth for recovering from infidelity. For me, it was the beginning of realizing just how deceitful I had been. To stop pretending. My life has always looked so good on paper, but behind the scenes I have been a raging mess. For me, it was always lying by omission. Author and theologian Dan Allender would say that "the stories that remain untold are the ones that remain a stronghold". For most of my life, I believed that those parts of me could just remain hidden. They would just be there to fester and rot. I assumed (wrongly) they would only affect me and that what people didn't know wouldn't hurt them. One of the best ways I have come to discover the roots of my deception has been through the work of a seasoned therapist. The hours I have spent in individual counseling have been instrumental for us to get behind the "why's" of my infidelity. I know I am 100% responsible for choosing to betray my husband, but I have also found it true that there were definitely unspoken and unhealed events in my life that caused a chain reaction to my brokenness acting out. After D-day, we had some initial difficulty in locating the right therapist. I wish that this were an easier process for all of us out there, but unfortunately it isn't. Through the recommendation of a trusted friend (one of the few we told about what was going on in our marriage), we finally found a Christian psychotherapist that had been practicing for over 30 years. As most of you know, triggers seem to lurk in every corner when a couple is trying to navigate how to find help, and we were no exception. Because both of my affairs (my first one emotional, my second one, emotional and then physical) were with men old enough to be my father, it was difficult at first for us to overcome the fact that my new therapist was an older man. So every time I went to therapy there was this big underlying irony of the possibility of transference and weirdness. But we chose to trust. This was not easy for my husband at all. But in our case, this was exactly what I needed to begin my healing. For the first year of recovery, twice a week I found myself in therapy. The first few months we solely focused on my childhood. To say this was painful would be an understatement. But I was committed and I was determined to do anything to save our marriage; I began the process of diving into my roots. What I discovered was not pretty. I am the youngest of four children and my father was an alcoholic. My dad has been gone nearly three years and I still have a really difficult time putting to words how I feel about him. Yesterday was his birthday and I find myself eating too many cookies and willing myself not to feel anything about him, but I think underneath it is a lot of sadness. When I was in my affairs, I remember feeling the foolishness of how cliché it felt to be with someone two decades older than me, but shame is a funny thing. It caused me to bypass clichés, norms and vows and get my needs met, however dysfunctional those needs were. My therapist very tenderly helped me assemble the pieces of my life that would reveal to me that I was definitely abuse reactive. I had a lot of nightmares in the beginning months. I began to learn that it was not normal for a ten-year old girl to be with high school boys on a Friday night. Or that dad's do not throw up all of the time or have that many stomach bugs. I am working hard at accepting myself and not judging myself, so I am not making a joke or a funny remark to mask my pain about how screwed up that sounds. It is actually quite sad, and I know so many readers out there can relate to the dysfunction. Over many weeks and months, healing started to take place. I owe an eternity of debt to my therapist, who I still maintain contact with, just less frequently. Through time and patience, he heard me and saw through my pain. He helped me, in a very non-threatening way, come to the root of my own deception. One of the most powerful ways he would do this was feeling sadness for my story when I would simply be numb. By mirroring and reading his facial expressions, I was able to come to some sort of terms with how much I have avoided and "refused to go there". He took my pain, and carefully and tenderly held it. Sharing my own story with you all has been a privilege and I thank you for reading and for holding our life so carefully. It still hurts to share, but I definitely feel like my life is less of a tragedy and more of a story of resiliency. Since you began your recovery, have you been in the care of a therapist? If so, how is that process going? Certainly, it is extremely time consuming and costly. If you are not, what is the reason that holds you back? What have you done with your story? Keep growing those roots. . . Elizabeth

But blessed is the one who trusts in Me alone; the Eternal will be his confidence. He is like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots beside the stream. It does not fear the heat or even drought. Its leaves stay green and its fruit is dependable, no matter what it faces. Jeremiah 17:7-8 My roots have been shallow. . . We live on ten acres. By Texas standards (where I grew up), this is not much land. But here in the Midwest, it rains all of the time, and I am continually amazed at how much STUFF you can grow on only ten acres. It is plenty of room for our horses, livestock projects, birds, dogs, cats, and whatever else wanders onto our place. My husband jokes that all he does is mow. And unlike Texas, all it seems I do is take care of everything that grows so that he can mow! One of the things I am grateful for in our marriage is that we do make a pretty good team in that area. And in case you are reading this and wondering if you will ever joke again in your marriage, you will. You will actually know that you are starting to heal when you find you both can laugh at something. For the last several years I have been working on eradicating the honeysuckle that takes over our property. It will wrap itself around fences, trees, existing shrubs and completely choke them out. The stuff is nasty. And it is everywhere. Believe me when I tell you I almost get angry when I go into Bath and Body works with my daughters and they sell Honeysuckle scented stuff. I want to scream at that because why would anyone want to smell something that is so awful for the environment?! It reminds me of the time I saw a dandelion bedspread at Pottery Barn... It is a weed! But I digress and this is a website for our recovery, and most certainly not my views on weed control. . . Here's the thing about honeysuckle. It has a really creative root system. They run deep and wide and when you think the plant is gone it will come back. Sometimes weeks or months or even years later. Those roots are intricate, deep, and won't be deterred with just one simple spray of Round up. I wish I had roots like honeysuckle. If you are unfaithful and it seems like your spouse is never going to get over this, here's what I thought about the other day while pulling and cutting and spraying: YOU ARE DEVELOPING A ROOT SYSTEM. If you want to change, do the hard work. It will be daily. Recovery will and should feel like a full time job. It will be expensive. It has been worth every cent. As you begin to deepen your shallow roots, your spouse won't see it. They will still doubt you and not trust much of what you are doing for a long time. This is actually a good thing and you wouldn't want it any other way. One day you might thank them that they refused to be near you while you were under construction for everyone's safety. I'm just thankful my husband stayed. It will be a LONG time before things even break the surface and any change will become evident. Keep pursuing the endeavors that will deepen your roots. This will involve a deliberate and conscious effort to eradicate anything toxic or (we will use the word sinful if you are a church goer) in your life, including dishonesty, selfishness, and pride. Most of your change will be underground and it will go slowly. Most days, only you and Your creator will see it. But know that deep within yourself, you can grow into something worthwhile, dependable, and beautiful. Elizabeth

To betrayed spouses everywhere: other than the obvious apology that is owed to you for the injustice thrown upon you due to infidelity, I have yet another confession to offer to you. I am embarrassed to say how deep my fears, insecurities and shame have reached. For much of my recovery (for most of the first year anyway), I have been afraid of you. I have feared your pain, your emotion, your comments and your rawness of emotion. I know this because I have feared it in my own home, with my own husband. I know it isn't a rational fear and might not even make much sense to you. Even deeper still, I think I have feared your consistency, your values, your ability to handle life so differently than I have and that you will judge me for it. If you're the unfaithful, it seems there's a giant neon sign alerting everyone that something is very wrong in the marriage and that problem is most definitely you. You know the saying. Shallow people cheat with other shallow people. So then you begin to work really hard at changing you. And while you desperately want to speed up the process, you can't. So then you question almost everything. Which doesn't exactly scream authentic or genuine. And it for sure doesn't allow for the betrayed to come first. Which really stinks. When my husband most desperately needed me to understand him and move in close, I have stayed away in fear. The longer I sit with it, it runs even deeper still. When he has needed me to just sit and listen and not say or do anything, I have avoided eye contact and shut down. I think I deeply fear the same thing he fears; the thought if we'll ever be able to make it. Can we ever be in a place of acceptance with our shattered marriage? What does that even mean? I am so tired of fear. I remember when we first went to EMS Weekend and I was one of three other women in the room that admitted I was unfaithful. Coming clean to a room full of entire strangers at the time was gut wrenching enough, but the fact that I was a woman and the minority was an added dose of shame. Humans are pack animals and we do tend to find safety in numbers, whatever the situation. Like me, I don't think anyone goes to EMS weekend packing the best version of themselves. For one, I was an emotional wreck. I was still lying; it took me an additional five weeks after EMS to get all of the details out because I was insistent upon editing my own story to make it "seem" better. As someone who had lived most of their life consumed with the image of me. . . this felt like suicide. I honestly remember thinking Rick Reynolds and his staff surely had a can of red paint and a paint brush hidden somewhere and were secretly waiting to come out and write profanities across my chest right then and there. Can you hear the irrational fear running through my veins? Here is what I discovered. I fear what I don't know. I have always kept everyone at arm's length. For most of my life I have mastered the ability to let people come close enough to me to see "just enough" but not too much. And my fear of the betrayed has been exactly that. To the extent I am willing to enter in and get close to the pain, the less I fear and I just simply feel an ache. There has never been one single betrayed spouse I have encountered that has ever been anything short of kind. Are they hurting? Of course. Devastated? Yes. I think it wise to be careful not to judge someone's character by the pain they are in. As our hearts heal and the pieces slowly start to come together, we see our brokenness for the common good. As I become stronger, I realize the person actually holding the can of red paint has been me. No one else has been out to get me as much as I have. If your betrayed spouse is angry, shut down, ticked off, hysterical, weepy, incorrigible, relentless, or even gone. . . I can promise you they are in immense pain. Our actions cut to the core of that pain. For me to be in a state of mind that I would give my time, my flirtation, my words, my attention, and my body to another human required me to cut my husband completely off and out of my mind. A wound and cut so severe does not come without agony and years of healing. Betrayed spouses, I am really sorry I haven't seen you. I am sorry that my own fear of your pain and judgement has gotten in the way for what you really needed. I see this so much in my own marriage. We finally gained so much momentum when I was healed enough to get out of my own DANG way! The prophet Isaiah gives a pretty amazing reminder of both truth and grace: "He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged. He will not stop until truth and righteousness prevail throughout the earth." Unfaithful: please do not be crushed. If Christ himself doesn't wish to stomp us out when we are weak, our betrayed spouses won't either. They just need us to come clean and change our lives. Betrayed: justice and truth matter, and will prevail. I humbly hope you can hold onto that promise, in spite of your hurt. Betrayed spouses represent such an incredibly beautiful picture of the justice needed in a successful marriage. My need for forgiveness reminds me of a constant dripping flow of grace that I never want to live beyond the shadow of. In that shadow of grace, there is no fear. Frederick Beuchner said that Christ is the fullest picture of justice and mercy. He continues by saying" "He that will judge us most finally is the one who loves us most fully." Today, I rest in that and hope you can too. Elizabeth

Two years ago, I had my first d day. Wow, how my life has changed since. I find myself fighting darkness again lately. Perhaps it's the anniversary, perhaps its fatigue, perhaps it's a little bit of a lot of things… so I write to clear my head. This blog is simply the ramblings of a betrayed man in the weeds. We recently moved. Some events in my working life late last year instigated a domino effect that resulted in my professional world scaling down in a good way. My wife and I made the decision to move from a very large house we had lived in for over a decade into one half its size. The home in which we raised our children, lived what I thought was a dream marriage, then experienced its fall, is no longer where I rest my head at night. The way these events fell into place really made this transition feel like a God sent opportunity to hit the reset button, simplify life, and truly begin to focus on starting over. I have spent the last several months throwing away the old, and buying new. Parts have been redeeming, and parts have dug up old painful bones. As the smoke settles, I think I am beginning to see a glimpse of my new reality. It has its perks, but it definitely ain't all rosy. This truly is a daily struggle, even now... While I suspect it will get easier with time, I am beginning to accept that the effects of my wife's betrayal are lasting and, to some degree, will linger a lifetime. A few months ago, I wrote about how I had come to the decision to stay. I had hoped making this commitment would help push me through some of my lingering doubt and move me into a more present future. The opposite has been true. While my wife continues well over a year of consistent empathy, remorse, and newfound humility, I find myself feeling trapped... She feels grateful... I feel stuck... You see, the old me, the confident guy who sought out impossible challenges, thrived on achievement, ambition, and success would've been so judgmental of the new me... this guy who is choosing to be married to a woman that so easily dismissed and mocked him. I am still struggling to accept that some professional opportunities, political aspirations, and future plans may no longer be in my best interest as the threat of exposure and the damage it could bring my children is too great. I have spent the last 2 years feeling the daily pain of contemplating my wife having sex with other men and I'm tired. Don't get me wrong, the programs and therapy work. EMDR has been a powerful tool and the triggers are much more tolerable and manageable. But the reality is, in all my group work and the many relationships that I've developed with betrayed men on a similar journey over the last 2 years, I am yet to meet one who has stayed with his unfaithful wife and no longer triggers at some level during sex – and some of these men have been more than a decade out from discovery. I have had highly qualified, well intentioned counselors tell me these men exist, yet none have been able to introduce me to one. The consequences of the selfish and immature acts of infidelity are still constantly evident... at times even overwhelming... even now, after years of constant work. Through this process I have developed friendships with a number of betrayed men on similar journeys. One group of these men communicates often and recently the conversation turned to the loss of the feeling of a special bond with our wives and the loss of that "loving feeling" we all seem to experience. I value this group's thoughts greatly. Many are much further down the road than I. It left me thinking, I am not even sure I know what love "feels" like anymore. My new perspective is love is a choice, not a feeling, but I do miss the desire to pursue her. I have chosen to act in her best interest by staying to raise our children, providing financial and emotional support, therapy resources, protecting her as best I can from exposure caused by her humiliating acts, even when her actions practically destroyed me. At times, I am attracted and aroused by her, at times I am repulsed and pity her, at times it all mixes together simultaneously and leaves me withdrawn, broken, or angry. Once again "feelings" prove fickle and unreliable. One of the members of the group who is often wise in his insight noted trust had to rebuild to a high level before the desire to pursue her returned in earnest. I like that thought and perhaps that is in my future.... While there are resources to help, nothing can erase reality, it can only be accepted. I have to learn to live with being misunderstood by many I consider friends. My choice lies in perspective, but the positive choice, the one that draws me closer to His purpose for my life, is not always easily ascertained... nor swallowed and believed.... So, what is the point? Why tolerate it all? Truth is I do not have a choice. While I am sure my newly recovered wife, free of the bondage of all her secrets, could easily find a new relationship without all this baggage and likely enjoy more uninhibited admiration and desire from another man, I will carry the struggle of overcoming being defined by this forever. If I am to survive, then I have to keep facing the darkness head on, and refuse to succumb to the temptation to try and sweep it away. I am not sure of much these days, but I am certain that complacency will breed the self-contempt shame needs to overcome me. I'm tired but I know I cannot stop. Shame is powerful. It cannot be easily dismissed. It is demanding and impatient. It lies and manipulates and can squelch joy in an instant.... But it isn't real... it isn't authentic... and somewhere deep down in all this darkness I will find the power inside me to truly put it in its place. To that end I patiently aspire. Meanwhile, looks like my counselor has a cancelation tomorrow... so I press on....

One of the things I have found to be true about the walk of recovery from infidelity, is the longer I walk, the less I know. And the less I know, the more I feel. The feeling that has overwhelmed me of late is one of pretty intense sadness. It seems I feel sorrow in every bone and fiber within me. I feel it deeply, and it feels like a dam around my heart that can break loose at any moment. When I look at my husband, I just feel so sad for what I did to him and what I have put him through. I don't feel sorry for him. I know he will be okay and he has really, in light of it all, handled this far better than I would if I were in his shoes. There is something incredibly beautiful and moving to me when I see betrayed spouses carry such pain with dignity and grace. I don't know that I would be able to handle my hurt that way. One of the things I am particularly sad about is how much I missed of our life and marriage. The other day I was in Target and I passed by the aisle full of Easter candy. There I saw them: the fifteen-dollar gigantic chocolate bunnies that every kid dreams of getting on Easter morning. I remember vividly the first time as a child I bit into one of those and to my shock and dismay, it was hollow! There was supposed to be chocolate all the way through! Oh, how I have been exactly like those dumb chocolate bunnies on the shelf. Hollow and empty. Nothing inside. When we first started with Affair Recovery, I remember not feeling or understanding how my husband kept grieving the loss of our marriage and vows. I know that may come as a shock to some, but I really did not feel anything. I had no idea how unattached I was. I was pretty much void inside...of any of the really good stuff anyway. Things like compassion, grace, empathy, understanding and honesty were not overflowing in my heart. I was compartmentalized and in hiding and fear. Over the last year and a half I have become pretty attached to my husband without even realizing it. I miss him when I don't get to see him. Most days, I see his decency and humanity and I just downright like him. I genuinely find him pretty funny. I long to just be near him and sometimes sit in wonder at why on earth he would still see any hope and goodness in me after all I have put him through. How and why could I have been so cruel and inconsiderate? Never once in my affair, did I stop to consider how he must feel. Basic human decency went out the window. I hate how he now has to battle with feeling disregarded and unimportant because that is EXACTLY what I did to him. I hate the demons that betrayed spouses have to fight. If you are unfaithful, you may not feel any of this sadness yet. I know I couldn't for a long time. I don't know your story, but for me I think I had to begin to feel sadness for my own story first. That may seem odd or selfish, but by giving myself compassion for how I got to the point of being unfaithful (let us just say we could all buy a new car with the amount of money we've invested in my therapy!), I now am a little less hollow than before. The saying 'you can't give away what you don't have" applies here. I have a heart full of love and therefore only a full heart can be broken. Every time I even think about all of us at Affair Recovery….I just feel sad. If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for letting me lean into the sadness of your own stories. For what you've done and what has been done to you. It's just not the way it's supposed to be. "Her sins. . . and they were many----are forgiven. For she loved much; but one who is forgiven little; shows little love". Luke 7:47 In sorrow, Elizabeth