Preface: In Hope for Healing lesson 5, as a participant, I was asked to examine the difference between a prideful spirit and a broken spirit. At first, I thought maybe I had come up with the "wrong" answer because the other women in my group saw brokenness as a bad thing and a place to be ashamed of. I see brokenness as a catalyst for total transformation. Looking back on my journey through failure, disaster, and gut-wrenching pain, I came up with this definition of brokenness.
How Do I Define Brokenness?
Brokenness is the place where I realize we are all the least of these. In this place of being molded like clay, I accept that I am not defined by a career, position, title, abilities, or productivity. It's a place where I recognize at any moment I may become homeless, a refugee, disabled, or an...
When you decide to face your addiction and commit to recovery, it is vital that you surround yourself with others who are in a similar position. As Mickey likes to say, "there are no lone rangers in recovery." Even if this is foreign or uncomfortable for you, being humble and asking for support from other people on the same path is going to help you stay accountable and healthy in your relationships. Connection is key, and as you work through your program, your recovery community can actually become some of your closest friendships as you grow together. Today, Mickey talks about some practical ways you can start building your network of support to help you stay sober and make progress on your path to healing.
It's a typical scenario: the betrayed wants or needs to talk, and the unfaithful just doesn't have it in them at the moment. Enter the phrase that appears to diffuse the situation, yet only exacerbates the entire process of healing: 'let's just talk about it later.' I'm sure you know the rest; the truth is, "later" very seldom ever comes. The unfaithful struggles to find their words and hold on to themselves, and not circle the drain in shame. The betrayed is pining away, needing to talk and process their hurt and pain with their mate or partner, but is denied this opportunity to connect and emote. The result is often frustration, disconnection and eventually, rage. Yet, it doesn't have to be this way; both betrayed and unfaithful alike can create safety for each other to share their pain...
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If there's any one thing that reveals how irrational my thinking had become, it would be the above thought. I could only see one alternative: either I had to die, my wife Stephanie needed to die, or my affair partner needed to die. It seemed there was no way to recover from an affair. I wasn't homicidal or suicidal, but I honestly could not see a solution, short of one of us dying. Somehow, like many caught in the crosshairs of infidelity and disclosure, I had mentally restricted my options so much that there seemed to be...
Previously, Samuel interviewed Michael Webb to discuss a scenario between an unfaithful male and a betrayed female, and how developmental trauma affects both inner and outward conversations with our spouse. Today, Samuel follows up with Michael with the roles reversed: an unfaithful female with a betrayed male partner. Without an understanding of our wounded inner selves, we end up transmitting our pain, instead of transforming it. This typically ends in disaster, causing more and more disconnection between the couple. Today, you'll hear insightful and experienced insight into how to navigate difficult conversations with our spouse or partner, while also gaining a deeper understanding into the complex world of trauma care.
The following video is from 2018 Hope Rising speaker and Affair Recovery Survivors' Blogger, Samuel, reading "Apology from the Unfaithful".
You are not alone. We know healing from infidelity can feel isolating. At Hope Rising, our annual one-day conference for betrayed spouses, you can gain momentum, strength and community on your journey to wholeness. We've walked through this pain ourselves, and we've walked alongside thousands of others on this journey. You may not see it at this very moment, but in this dark chapter hope can rise. Hope Rising will be coming soon and you will not want to miss it!
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The blog below is...
After discovery or disclosure of an affair or sexual addiction, the betrayed partner is often overwhelmed with painful reminders, triggers, and insecurities. Re-engaging emotionally with the former unfaithful is difficult enough, but even the thought of resuming sexual activity with their mate can send hurt spouses into a panic spiral. As healthy as connection is, it is also terrifying to be vulnerable again, and both the betrayed and the unfaithful can be triggered in those intimate moments. When this happens there is a choice - to shut down, or slow down.
If you find yourself desiring connection more than disconnection, then being intentional, having a plan, and talking through complicated feelings with your spouse is key. While it may be difficult to believe, with the right...
For couples who are attempting to heal after an affair, it's a common struggle that one partner feels the need to manage the other's recovery or repair work. Maybe this sounds familiar: "Are you reading? Did you go to therapy? Did you see that article I sent you? Did you talk to your accountability partner today? Did you watch that new video?" While a normal temptation, the result is typically immense frustration and disconnection by both parties, not to mention a feeling of being mothered or fathered to no end. No matter what side of the infidelity they are on, no one likes to feel controlled. The good news is, there is a better way. Today, Samuel shares insight into why the controlling approach doesn't work, and what to do if you're looking for help in...
For those recovering from infidelity or sexual addiction, establishing regular routines for self-care is key. Finding ways to eat well, exercise, connect with others, and get enough sleep is crucial for continued success in recovery. When you are healthy and balanced mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, you’re going to feel good and be more likely to stay on track in your program.
One acronym that we use often at Affair Recovery is HALTBS, which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, or stressed. When addicts find themselves in that HALTBS frame of mind, they are more likely to fall back into old unhealthy patterns or act out in negative ways. Utilizing various types of self-care routines can help you get to a healthier space, so that you can continue to...
Rejection is an awful thing to deal with, whether it be from adolescence, high school, or years later from our significant other or spouse. Enter infidelity or addiction, and the rejection monster seemingly sprouts seven other heads. If we are going to move beyond the initial devastation of infidelity, it’s vital that we understand our need for a game plan to process through the painful litany of emotions and overall responses we've probably exhibited. The good news is, there is a way through, and there is a healthy approach for survivors of infidelity to utilize and rely on for clarity and healing. Today, Samuel lays out his own game plan that helped him heal and overcome his own devastation of rejection.
