Survivors' Blog

"Learn how to be okay when things are not okay." When I first heard this statement I thought it was dumb and much too simple. It was almost insulting – like trying to treat an intensive care wound with a band aid. However, ten long months into recovery, this statement has been a foundational thought in getting through many hard days. Like many unfaithful spouses, my tendency and need to control situations have been off the charts. When you are hiding behind your affair, there is an illusion of control (and complete self-absorption) you live under because you never think about the harsh reality that you might lose your spouse because of your decisions. Much like the character in the Wizard of Oz, an insecure shell of a man hiding behind an image, walking in the truth of my actions has revealed my insecurity, shame and fear like no other. It has been terrifying to face both the pain my actions have caused as well as the waiting while my spouse chooses whether to stay or go. But I’m learning, albeit slowly, how to become okay even when everything else isn’t. If you also navigate dark days of uncertainty where you feel anything but okay, I want to share some of the ways I have found solace in the storm: Focus your eyes on something constant and bigger than yourself. For me that has been Christ. I must keep my eyes focused on Him. If you do not subscribe to faith I recommend putting your belief in something bigger than your humanity or your spouse’s choice to stay or go. Take a break from all social media. Not only am I too vulnerable and fragile to carry or care about the on-goings of the world, but it’s also too much of a trigger for me as I do not want to associate in any way with my past life. The temptation is too great. Pay attention to what you listen to. When I’m not listening to a hymn that speaks truth, or a podcast that helps me heal, then I usually find that I simply need quiet. This means slowing down, less radio, less TV, less overall noise and junk. Feel the feelings. Like my husband and most of you, I don’t like uncomfortable feelings. Particularly when I feel ashamed, alone, discouraged, angry, hurt or afraid. But the only way out of feelings is through them. Choosing to not feel is what got me into this mess initially. When I choose to feel I can remind myself it will be okay and it will eventually pass. Find a group or community of people that share your pain. Hope for Healing and Harboring Hope are life lines to fellow people who share our hurt. Through their stories we begin to see how far we’ve come and how far we still have to go. It is so incredibly comforting to know we are not the only ones who have felt this way or have been through this. Some days in recovery can feel like an eternity. The pain can be so intense that it feels like anything but normal or okay. But there’s something I’m beginning to realize. On the days I’m not okay, I notice details and moments I’ve missed during all my years of hiding and making it about me. I am now acutely aware of my new found clarity and gratitude. Just the other day I couldn’t stop looking at the color of my husband’s eyes. Perhaps the road we have traveled thus far has made me see them in a shade of blue I had never noticed in all of our years together. In the midst of the stillness, quiet, and sadness, I can find appreciation for things I would have previously overlooked. And... I’m still breathing. Although my heart is breaking, it is still beating. The sun continues to rise in the morning and its beauty is indescribable. Even though my marriage remains uncertain, I know God is still at work. Knowing this helps me be okay without it being okay. I hope and pray the same for you.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door – Part 1 Lock the Door - Part 2 Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On My internship during my senior year in college was with a thoracic surgeon working with terminally ill patients. At 22, walking patients and family through the stages of grief was more than I had bargained for. The year was 1975 and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book titled "On Death and Dying" had only been out six years. Sad to say my maturity level in those days kept me trapped in grief's early stages of denial and anger. When I wasn't pretending everything was going to be okay I was pumping a clinched fist at the heavens for allowing such pain. I had yet to discover the stages of bargaining, depression and acceptance. To this day I'm still learning about grief work. But one thing I've learned for sure: the stages of letting go apply just as much to ending an affair as they do to death. Both require moving to a place of surrender to what is, and allowing for a transition to something new. Failure to let go leaves you forever trapped in the land of the "no more and not yet". Letting go and moving on are two separate processes, but we'll cover both in this article. Letting Go Letting go is more than a decision; it is a behavior. It's about surrendering the dreams imagined, and embracing the fullness of current reality. To begin, the denial about your affair partner has to be relinquished. Openness to a larger collective pool of knowledge is necessary for acquiring new perspective. Talking about the relationship with others who are safe and can help you gain perspective is critical for letting go. If you continue to live in denial and ignore their faults, you'll maintain the illusion of an unrealistic future. Failure to move beyond denial makes acceptance next to impossible. Failure to move beyond denial makes acceptance next to impossible. If you have not come to the point where you see as many negatives with your affair partner as you do with your mate, then you're most likely still in denial. Impeding Anger Anger also impedes letting go. Frequently, anger is used to avoid the pain. It's easier to be mad than sad. Rather than facing the emotion we try to transmit it to others and that is simply not fair. The solution to anger is identifying the emotions behind the anger and having courage to walk through that pain. Suppressing the feelings through rage will only delay the process. Find others who have gone through something similar and who can understand and talk about what you're feeling. Beating yourself up for what's happened won't move you forward. Instead be compassionate and work to forgive yourself as well as others to eliminate the bitterness. Bargaining After anger subsides our mind begins to bargain, trying to avoid the inevitable end of the affair. Bargaining is a vain expression of hope that somehow the relationship may yet be salvaged. To move through the bargaining stage, remind yourself that this decision is irreversible. This is what you've decided is best and that half measures will only prolong the pain for everyone involved. Remind yourself this too shall pass and over time you will heal. Stay focused on your own personal growth to begin seeing ways the loss will be transformed to something more meaningful and beneficial. At times it's facing the inevitable loss of the affair that triggers depression, but that may be a necessary stage to letting go and finding new life. Likely Depression Depression is the next grief stage. Some define depression as the inability to create a vision of the future. Letting go requires accepting responsibility for your future and accepting that your future will only be as good as you choose to make it. With loss sadness is natural. But sadness isn't the same as depression's inability to see a new future. While you may not yet see the new possibilities, it begins by believing it's possible. You don't know what it will look like, but allow yourself to dream new dreams and even better possibilities that do NOT include your affair partner. Moving Towards Acceptance The final stage of grief is acceptance. It's getting to the place where you see that it is what it is. It's over and it's time to create an even better life. Acceptance is the final stage of letting go. I no longer even long for what was, rather I begin seeing how the loss is being transformed and creating new possibilities. Acceptance allows you to freely face your future without an anchor of regret holding you in the past. It's usually not until this stage that we're ready to write our letter of termination. This is a letter that's NOT meant to be sent, but something that serves as a reminder and puts into words our final surrender of the relationship. An amazing freedom comes with endings which then open paths to new beginnings. Don't be afraid to let go and follow a new road. Moving On Moving on is about more than letting go. It's a "do over," a second chance to do something better the second time around. It's the opportunity to break out of the mold of other's expectations, take lessons life has taught, and build a more authentic vision for your life. Many of us who've been involved in affairs have written our mate out of our future, replacing them with our affair partner. It's depressing indeed if we consider renewing our life with our mate when we either have no vision of a future with them or if all we can see is the negative vision we created to justify our affair. I once heard a story of a man who obtained an audience with a "holy man" he had always admired. When they sat down together the young man immediately began telling this man what he was learning and how he was growing. Eventually as the conversation lagged, the "holy man" asked the young man if he'd like a cup of tea. "Of course," he replied. The holy man then took a cup and began pouring tea. Only he didn't stop when the cup was full he just kept on pouring the tea, filling the saucer, and then spilling tea all over the table as cup and saucer over flowed. "What are you doing?" cried the young man. "You are so full of your own opinions, how can you consider something new until you first empty your cup?" Moving on requires a willingness to "empty our cup" to make room for new possibilities. Consider the possibility that you don't really know your mate. Allow yourself to be curious about who they are. Be open to having new conversations. When I'm working with someone who's moving on (away from the affair), I encourage them to begin getting to know their mate anew. To try and look beyond the history and the stories you've told yourself about them and consider them as a mystery that has yet to be solved. I have couples begin doing strategic planning where they identify a mission and mutual goals. I have them create milestones that allow them to see forward movement. I have them dream dreams of a wonderful future together. Moving on also requires the support of others who can set an example for new ways to interact. As Einstein says, "No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it." Focus on what needs to be done to build a healthy marriage and minimize those things or people that tear it down. Be intentional. The chapter you're in now, doesn't have to be the last chapter in the book. As we say at our EMS Weekend Intensives, every great story has at least one bad chapter. If you want tips and direction on how to strengthen your marriage, consider attending one of our upcoming EMS Weekends.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door – Part 1 Lock the Door - Part 2 Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Last week we talked about why locking the door is absolutely necessary in recovery. This week I'm going to tell you how to lock the door. If you fail to plan, you've intrinsically planned to fail. Recovery is not for the faint of heart. To succeed over the long haul, you'll need to create a plan for yourself and your marriage to be prepared when a tempting situation arises. Remember, even on your best day you are still most likely only 60 percent sure change is what you want. Make sure you do not fall victim to easily avoidable traps by using this guide to lock the door once and for all. What's The Right Motivation: The first key to locking the door is possessing the right motivation. Closing the door for the sake of your marriage is rarely enough motivation to keep the door shut. When someone comes in asking for help ending an affair, I ask why they want to end it. If they tell me because they want to save their marriage, I usually tell them that's not going to be enough. It's going to take time and effort ending an affair, and somewhere between now and 24 months from now, they may not even care if their mate divorces them. In fact they're probably going to want to divorce their mate at some point in the midst of the emotional turmoil, so why would they stay the course? Locking the door takes internal motivation. It's something that has to be done for self and, if you subscribe to faith, for God. Whatever the reason, it needs to be well thought out and recorded to serve as a reminder of why you locked the door and why opening it serves no good purpose for you, your marriage and your future. Having A Plan: It's naive to believe you won't try to reopen that door. Without a plan on how to keep the door locked it won't be long till it swings open. Failure to preplan our response leaves us like a construction worker on a job site without a hard hat. Predetermine how you'll respond in every conceivable situation. When locking the door I generally have my clients write a list of 20 "what if's" where others or self might try to open the door. For example: "What if my affair partner leaves a note on my car at work? I won't open it; instead I'll take it home to my wife and let her open it. We'll decide together how to respond." "What if my affair partner sends me a text using someone else's phone? I'll forward the text to my mate and we'll decide together how or if we're going to respond." "What if I have an argument with my mate and begin to long for the approval of my AP? I'll go for a 20 minute walk and recite memorized text, leaving my phone at home. When I return, I'll talk to a safe person." "What if something triggers a memory of my AP and I want to text them to check in? Instead I'll text my spouse 5 reasons I appreciate them, or I'll call a friend who is safe and stay accountable to them." Let it Die: It's common for the affair partner to occasionally reach out to see how you're doing. I call that fishing with a lure. They cast the lure to see if you'll bite. To keep that door locked you don't want to respond. In fact you want to act like nobody is home. Not rising to the bait causes them to eventually move on to a different fishing hole. If you keep unlocking the door to respond, you keep the game alive and only increase the probability of relapse. Avoiding Self Sabotage: One form of self-sabotage is continually asking new people for their advice. Remember there are two sides to each of us. When the healthy part of us locks the door, the other part looks for an excuse to open that door. Through the years I've seen countless people ask advice from others who are far less experienced in an attempt to find someone who will tell them it is okay to reopen that door. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the stew. Once your course is set, surround yourself with others who are walking a similar path and will encourage you to stay the course even on days you don't want to. Fill the Void: Those of us who've been involved in an affair understand the high associated with that relationship. Closing that door leads to withdrawal and intense personal pain. Betrayed spouses, I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth. An affair is an addiction, and withdrawal pains are very real for your mate. To keep from reopening the door, the time previously consumed by that relationship needs to be replaced with something healthy. Instead of texting the affair partner, find other same-sex individuals like yourself who also need someone new to text. Recovery groups and those supportive relationships are critical when it comes to filling that void. Participating in groups such as Hope for Healing, Celebrate Recovery, SAA or SLAA help provide the necessary community to replace that void. Create Safety on Your Side of the Door: Locking the door can be a difficult decision, which is why you want to do everything within your power to make things healthy on your side of the door. Safety begins with your responses. Do what you can to be concerned for your mate as well as being respectful. In the long run your example of respect will help deescalate their pain. Keep recovery on a positive path by working your own healing and staying focused on your personal recovery plan. Keep Realistic Timelines: Be patient; this is a marathon not a sprint. Remember it's normal for the hurt spouse to take longer in recovery. Realistic expectations are crucial for keeping the door locked. If you mistakenly believe things should be better in a couple of months, you're going to be sorely disappointed. It takes 18 to 24 months for almost all couples. You're not going to be the exception. Unrealistic expectations will only lead to discontentment and increased temptations to personally unlock the door. Don't underestimate how long it takes for feelings for the affair partner to subside. That also takes about 18 to 24 months. I've often heard people say at about six months that they still have no feelings for their mate and their feelings for their affair partner are as strong as ever. They believe this somehow means they've made the wrong choice. To keep the door locked, your commitment has to be long enough to allow circumstances to change. You must allow the process to work and give it time. Now What? Next week we'll discuss another vital piece to the puzzle: how to throw away the key. If you want your life back, you need to throw the key away and move forward. Now go lock the door. Are you and your spouse looking for a way to maintain safe and open dialogue during this process? Look into our EMS Online course that guides you in joint recovery work.

Why is hiding so tempting and where does the desire come from? Hide and seek. This is a game my kids play for hours, even now as teenagers. There is such terror and anxiety in the moments you are waiting but the best part of the whole game is the feeling you get when you are found. I remember when my girls were little and would find great hiding spots. They were so excited they would often yell out, “I’m in here, come find me!” I often wonder why the game was so delightful for them. I’m guessing it had something to do with the smile and embrace they received upon discovery. If that was the case for everyone hiding, who wouldn’t want to be found? Oh, how saddened I am to think of how we, the unfaithful spouses, have sorely misapplied and manipulated the rules to this game. D day (discovery day) was the most painful day in my husband’s life. And if you were anything like me, too cowardly and afraid to expose all of the deception the first time, you gave your spouse two d days. I can only imagine the horror the betrayed spouse experiences when they find us in our hiding place with all of our dark secrets. I know for me, there were moments in my affair I wanted to be found. But selfishly I wanted to avoid any pain or consequences that would come with telling the truth. I now know God has much to say about that. He calls us fools, as only fools despise discipline. (Proverbs 1:7). The truth is - other than being an utter fool - I was terrified of judgement and losing this reputation I had built for myself. I admire people who are willing to admit their mistakes and shortcomings. However, I had believed the lie that my transgressions were too many. I was terrified my husband would surely leave me if he found me in my hiding. So I continued to hide. And lie. And manipulate my image to portray nice and perfect while I was frozen and dark inside. I have often thought about how unfair d day was for us. This was the second time my husband had to hear “well, there’s more.” He had to experience even more excruciating pain as he discovered the wretchedness and selfishness of all of my lies. I would have preferred to have been struck by lightning. For years I had believed the lie that I would die before letting my darkness come to light. How selfish of me. How sad of a thought. As he was receiving the weight of my shame, the amount of freedom that came from sharing every last detail of my secret was unfathomable and enormously unfair. I transferred all of my darkness onto my husband. The only currency I have to spend in our relationship are my actions. I wish I could change everything. Take it back. Spare him even an ounce of the pain he has endured. But I can’t. So I have to continue the work of figuring out how I got here. So what makes us hide? I can’t answer for anyone but me, but hiding, lying and shame have been the norm beginning in my family of origin. Did your family keep secrets? Were there things you found out about years later or did either of your parents have a secret addiction? Did anyone hide spending? Drinking? Family shame? I can put a check mark next to all of those. It’s not an excuse for my actions, but I have realized I have come from a history of hiding. I have recently talked with my therapist about this. He seemed shocked when I told him that as a little girl I believed you took bad things and buried them so deeply you just never brought them up again. Sadly, that little girl grew up and still lived this out as a wife and mom. This is a pattern I have lived all of my life. From something that happened to me in 5th grade, to an abortion I had in college, the pattern was there. Bury it. Never speak of it again. Smile and pretend it didn’t happen. Little did I know I had been hardwired for dishonesty. Admitting that is terrifying and freeing. But being found is something God has always longed for. He has something so much better for me and rewards my courage to bring every single thing to Him in the light. I know the damage in my own marriage and family has already been done. We haven’t told our kids yet, but plan to one day. With His help, I have to change the legacy of secret keeping. Are you still hiding anything? And if so, what are you afraid is going to happen to you if found? I pray today you trust that God is delighted in you and you find the courage to come out of hiding.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door Part 1 Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Are you really willing to do whatever it takes to change? Sad to say many people aren't when it comes to ending an affair. As the old saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," but behavior doesn't always follow our intentions. Locking the door is about avoiding self-sabotage. Steph and I have a friend who's a flight attendant. She's nice enough, but years of service in the airline industry transformed her into a safety czar. Not only do seat belts have to be fastened appropriately, but everything has to be stowed away and fastened down. She searches for everything that might become a flying missile were there to be an accident and anticipates and corrects what might go wrong. While it seems like a hassle, she's probably the safest person I know to travel with. She takes no chances. Anticipating Vulnerabilities Locking the door is just like that: it's anticipating vulnerabilities and preplanning the response. Anything short leaves the door unlocked. It's not that we plan to fail, we fail to plan. That omission leaves the door unlocked with possibilities for reentry. Humans live in a state of duality. Even when we decide to change course there's still a part of us that longs for what we've given up. Carlo DiClemente, PhD, and James O. Prochaska, PhD, pointed this out in their work1 on how people change. We tend to view people as being either in recovery or in denial. In reality, change is a progression. You can see this with any type of change—diet or exercise, for example. Stages of Change Denial The first stage of change is denial. In the denial stage of change, I'm not even considering there's a problem. Someone says I need to do this or that, but I'm thinking, "What's wrong with you?" because I refuse to see it as a problem. This is the stage we're in before we even consider closing the door. Ambivalence The second stage is ambivalence. This is that stage where we're torn and don't know what to do. I am 50/50—where 50 percent of me wants to shut the door but 50 percent of me really doesn't want to. I become ambivalent, trying to stay balanced, trying to stay on the fence. When someone puts pressure on me to change, I may push back. But there's a good chance that if challenged with, "You're never going to change," I will respond, "Oh, yes I will." Determination The next stage of change is the determination stage. In the determination stage of change, I decide to shut the door and begin planning how that would look. There is probably 53 percent of me that wants to shut that door. But I forget there is still 47 percent underneath that really doesn't want to. Many times I've had someone come in saying they've been unfaithful and want to end the affair. They express fear about what will happen if this goes public and tell me they're willing to do anything. They'll say "Just tell me what to do so I can stop." When I answer with, "Tell your wife about the affair" they usually say, "You've got to be kidding. I'm not going to tell my wife. Surely there is an easier way." Is that person willing to do whatever it takes? No. Action At this stage, the issue becomes what am I willing to do and what am I not willing to do? Nevertheless, I come up with my plan on how to approach that door and close it. Closing the door is called the action stage. I begin to take steps. That's how you know somebody is willing to change. They tell their AP it's over. They tell their mate they are coming home. Initially the action stage is really kind of energizing, because you begin to see some progress and maybe for the first time you feel you've made a decision. The only problem with this stage—where now probably 55 percent of me really wants that door shut—is that 45 percent of me that still doesn't want it shut and is certainly not interested in locking that door. Next I move to the maintenance stage. Maintenance This is where I have to lock the door and where the excitement of my change begins to wane. I begin questioning if I made the right decision. In this stage, maintaining the new routine seems difficult with little reward. Old habits seem to reappear and I can become discouraged. And while now there may be 56 percent of me that wants that change, there is still 44 percent that longs for my old ways. Research reveals that it takes from eighteen to twenty-four months just for the change to begin to feel natural. It's not uncommon for people to give in before that time. Relapse *DISCLAIMER* I am not saying every single person will relapse, nor am I saying that if someone does not relapse they have not changed. I just need you to know that if your mate relapses it does not mean all the work has been for naught. Our goal with this article is to avoid relapse, not give approval for it. Realistically, however, if the worst thing happens, we need to know how to respond and learn from our mistakes. Failure to intentionally lock that door leaves it susceptible to being blown open by any gust of wind. This explains why the next stage of change is sometimes, relapse. Research shows that relapse can be an important part of change. It is one of the stages of change. For those of you thinking, "I've already sworn if this happens again, I'm done," I know this is not what you want to hear. Yet relapse, or even relapse type behavior is really an important stage of change because relapse is where I learn what it takes to actually lock the door. As humans, we rarely learn by obtaining more head knowledge. Most lessons are learned through failure. Next week, I'm going to give you a step-by-step guide on how to lock the door. Hopefully you see how important locking that door to old behaviors is for the safety of yourself and your spouse. Recovery in many ways can be about locking some doors and opening up other doors. Our EMS Weekend is a safe and expert driven place to help you and your spouse open up your heart again. I hope you'll consider attending our next EMS Weekend. 1Prochaska, James O.; Norcorss, John C.; DiClemente, Carlo C.; Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward, New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1994. Print.

Who is your confidant? Who do you reach out to when you need to talk? Not just for friendly chit-chats about the latest movie or daily frustrations over child care. But who do you pour out your heart to when you're sad, lonely, scared or angry? More importantly, who listens to your deepest fears, heartache and pain over the betrayal you're living with? Have you found a confidant that you trust, that special someone who is there when you need to cry, mourn, yell or just sit and be held? Susan was that person for me. She drove twenty hours over two days so I wouldn't be alone in those first dark days after learning about my husband's affair. She kept me sane and grounded. Susan made sure I ate, listened without judgment, and held me when I cried. She didn't leave until she was sure I would be okay and then regularly called to ask how I was doing."How are you" wasn't a rhetorical question to Susan. She really wanted to know. She was the only one I shared my deepest fears, thoughts and emotions with. As the weeks moved into months and my husband and I started recovery Susan and I might not talk for a month or two but when we did we shared the fun and interesting things in our lives plus the frustrating and painful. Only Susan knew everything that happened before, during and after the affair. I told her things I never told my siblings. Not even my mother knows the details that I told Susan. It's important that you find a confidant after d-day. Do not think you can go through this agony alone. Women especially need to talk through their pain until it doesn't hurt anymore. Make sure that the person you choose to be your confidant isn't judgmental but will support you, your spouse and your marriage. This person must also support whatever decision you choose to make about your marriage without inserting their own opinions about what's "best" for you to do, which is a decision only you can make. The talking you do with your confidant is separate from the very important talking that you do with your spouse in order to heal your marriage, if that is what you choose to do. Your confidant is for you and you alone. It's for working through your innermost thoughts and feelings. To make sure that you don't keep them bottled up inside but get them out, work through them, and heal. Recently Susan's husband called and said that she was in the hospital. I flew out the next morning in time to say good-bye. It was a sudden and unexpected illness that took my dear friend. The only blessing was that she went without pain. As I write these words I can't stop the tears. I feel Susan's loss on a level that's difficult to explain. Yes, I lost a friend that can never be replaced. But I lost so much more.I lost a person who accepted me without question and loved me without judgment. Susan was genuine. She lived her faith in a way that few people are capable of doing. This isn't a negative reflection on others but a testament on the amazing heart of my treasured friend. Everyone needs a friend, a confidant, like Susan. If you haven't yet found one, reach out to someone and develop a friendship that is safe enough for you to feel comfortable sharing all of you with, not just the "safe" parts. It can be your mother, father, best friend, sibling, or anyone you trust to be there when you need to open your heart to them. For your mental, spiritual and emotional health, as you work through recovery, you need a Susan. Good luck and stay strong. You are not alone.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door - Part 1 Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Ending an affair requires more than a decision. If there is another person involved, the bridge to that relationship absolutely needs to be burned. I remember when my oldest child began speaking. The words she learned provided a new form of entertainment. When she wanted us to open something for her she'd say "door" because she'd heard us say "open the door." Door became her word for open. However there was one phrase she got right. Each night when we'd put her to bed and begin to leave she'd say "Don't shut the door." She wanted to see us and to hear us. That connection was as important to her as air and water. The attachment she shared with us left her panicked if that door was shut. Last week I said the first step to ending an affair was making an irreversible decision that it was over. The next step is closing the door. I shared the above example because if there's an attachment it may not come easily, you may even feel panicked. Ending a relationship may require breaking an attachment which is going to hurt, but failure to shatter that bond anchors you, your mate and your affair partner to misery for years to come. How to Close The Door: Use clear and concise communication. Take responsibility for the decision to end the affair: The affair is your responsibility not your mate's. You made the choices that led to the affair and it has to be your decision to end it. Let your affair partner clearly know it's over but in a way that is safe for your mate. If you're not the one closing the door it's too easy to open it back up. Your mate may be demanding you end the affair, and you should, but it must be because it's what you're choosing, not because they want you to. Playing the victim and blaming your mate or family for ending the affair only paves the pathway right back to your AP. Be clear that it's over: There can be no wiggle room. Saying, "I really want to be with you, but I need to do the right thing" isn't shutting the door. It conveys a desire to continue and encourages the affair partner to hang on. While you may be doubtful or even convinced the marriage can't work you've already made the irreversible decision to end the affair. Say it loud and say it clear. "This is over." Over means over: Let them know that over means no contact whatsoever. It may be tempting to lessen the pain by suggesting you can still be friends. Morphing the affair into "just friends" isn't closing the door; it's leaving it half open for the breeze to flow through. Speak in the first person: "I'm ending this relationship." Don't try and soften the blow by using the word we. If it's up to "us" to end this relationship then a covert alliance is maintained between the two of you and the door is left open to see how "we" are doing. They don't have to agree, in fact they probably won't agree. If they genuinely care about you and if you care about them, disappointment, hurt and anger will abound. But there's no other way. In affairs we promise things that others have first rights to, and when the illusion ends a harsh reality sets in. An Important Note: This is especially true if your affair partner first breaks up with you. You need to make your own decision to end the relationship with them and take steps to that end. It makes no difference if they did it first, this has to be what you choose and act on. Otherwise you'll find yourself in the role of the victim pining away for what you can't have. Be clear about whom you owe what: Ending an affair is messy and wounded souls abound in the aftermath of an affair, but your affair partner isn't the victim. If they knew you were married then they at least had the opportunity to make a choice to enter the relationship. Your mate had no choice in the matter (even if you felt they didn't want the marriage anymore, unless you asked for permission they had no choice). Restitution needs to be made for the victim, not the perpetrator. Your affair partner's healing isn't your responsibility. You can't end an affair by continuing to play "knight in shining armor." If you feel your decision places them at risk of self-harm then hand them off to someone who can help them by calling 911. Clearly communicate that you realize the damage you've done to your mate and family and that it's over. Let them know where your loyalties lie and that you're going to do all you can to help your family heal. Set clear boundaries: Clearly state that you want no contact and how you will respond if they attempt to reach you. Let them know you will not respond or that your mate will respond. Don't be naïve, your affair partner will most likely try to make contact, and for most there's a part of us that hopes they will. Letting them know up front how you will respond helps them understand that you're serious about ending the relationship. Vehicles for communicating it's over: If you've made an irreversible decision to end the affair, don't set yourself up for failure while closing the door. Using email or phone is far safer than having a face-to-face meeting. When ending my affair I knew it was impossible to meet face to face with my affair partner. I couldn't trust myself to maintain my new resolve if we were to sit and talk about it. My decision wasn't about her, it was about what I knew was best, and I didn't need her permission or agreement. More than likely the strong feelings generated by our relationship would have once again corroded my resolve and resulted in continuing the relationship. Staying Free (Avoiding Relapse) We don't fall back into the affair because we're weak, we fall back because we're prideful and we put ourselves in situations we think we can handle. I've never had anyone relapse because they're weak; we only relapse when we think we can do things such as meet in person to say goodbye. Don't be deceived, even if there is a part of you that wants out of the relationship, there is also another part of you that still wants the relationship. That is part of the struggle that comes from being human. Don't underestimate the strength of the attachment with your affair partner. Assuming you're too weak to handle meeting face to face will allow the door to be shut completely. Involving Your Spouse If at all possible, have your mate involved in the final communication. If it's a phone call let your mate be on the other line to hear what you say. If it's an email copy them on the communication. Stopping an affair isn't a conversation; it's a statement. Say what you have to say and no more. You're making this call or sending this email to let them know what you're doing about the relationship and how you're going to proceed from this time forward. Feeling guilt for the pain you've caused them by your choices is appropriate, but the point where you hurt them isn't telling them it's over, the point you wounded them occurred when you became involved with them in the first place. An example of such communication might look something like this: I am ending our relationship. Do not communicate with me. I now see this relationship was a mistake. My choices have deeply hurt my mate and my family and I'm going to do everything in my power to help them heal and find a better future. I only hope s/he can recover from my betrayal and I want you to move on with your life. If you try to contact me I will not respond, but I hope you'll honor my request of no contact. I will respect you by not contacting you. The Best Response is No Response Some relationships have already died and there's no need to say it's over. If discovery happens after the affair has ended and there hasn't been contact for a number of months or if it was just a one-night stand then let sleeping dogs lie. The best way to end a relationship is no response. If the affair partner reaches out and even gets a negative response it still increases the likelihood of further communication. Negative attention is still attention. Finally, closing the door to a relationship can be complicated and for various reasons what I've suggested may not work in every situation. If you feel your situation is an exception to the above mentioned guidelines then talk with an expert who can help develop a healthy strategy for ending the affair. I'd encourage you to sign up for our Hope for Healing course for the unfaithful spouse. You'll be happy to know we have both men and women's groups, safe not only for you and your pain, but also for your relapse prevention. Next week, we'll be discussing how to lock the door after you've shut the door.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decison Close the Door Lock the Door - Part One Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Most Wayward Spouses See No Way Out My Story: Suicide seemed the only alternative for ending my affair. Not wanting to cause any further pain eliminated honesty as an alternative. Mostly, I didn't want to be seen as "the cheater". Snared by conflicting feelings, I wouldn't decide. Despair hung over me like dark storm clouds. I could see no way out. Failed attempts at ending the affair ignited feelings of hopelessness and left me feeling absolutely out of control. Crazy as it sounds, death seemed the best alternative. I know right from wrong. My head knew I needed to end it but my heart cried no. I felt responsible for my AP and wanted to protect her. My deception had no end. Here are just some of the mental traps I fell into: It felt I couldn't live without her and I feared the outcome of a separation. I had never experienced such extreme and desperate feelings. I was sure this was my one chance for happiness. I believed she was my soulmate. I even worried that letting go would result in someone else getting to experience the life I'd given up. If I stayed married would I remain forever miserable? Would it be the right decision or would I forever regret this decision? I began to catch glimpses of destruction in my future. More misery than I ever imagined flooded my life. If the affair was so great why was I so desperate? I finally understood I had no choice. I couldn't break free even if I wanted. My own efforts were not going to be enough. That reality guided me to the truth: I was ensnared in a fantasy of my own making. Reasons to abandon the marriage were bountiful, but reasons to stop the affair seemed unimaginable. Determined, I began ignoring my emotions and thinking of "Reasons to stop the affair". At the very least, I needed to make a definitive choice one way or the other. Make the Decision Step one in ending an affair is firmly deciding to end it. This is a unilateral decision made for you and by you. It is NOT based on an agreement between you and your AP. Joint decisions between you and your AP leave you in a covert alliance and provide reasons to check in to see how things are going. This must be an irreversible decision you make to get your life back. It's not the same as wishing you could want to want to break off the affair. That's a mindset I call "W3" (wishing you could want to want to break it off). Without firm resolve and a strategy, the allure of the feelings generated by the affair will draw you back. There can be no wishing. This decision is about breaking free and has to be final. An Uncertain Future Ambivalence is two diametrically opposed desires effectively canceling each other out. It is a state of homeostasis that leaves you 50/50 when it comes to infidelity. We're stuck because 50% of us want the right thing and 50% of us want what we want. The more resolute you are about ending an affair the stronger the tantrum from the other half. Anticipate the civil war that follows the decision to walk. The stronger your resolve, the stronger the internal tantrum. Voices in your head will tell you to run back to your AP and that you can't live without them. The internal tantrum will shout that you're making the worse mistake of your life. You must decide beforehand that the inevitable backlash is simply part of the process and do not waver. Your reasons for ending the relationship are still valid and this is the defining moment where you remind yourself of the promise of freedom you're seeking. Freedom will not come in the shadows of secrecy. After all, it's the secrecy and darkness which empowers our failures and addictions. Understand why the decision is difficult. This helps counter the voices telling you to give in and go back. For more information read "Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Compromising your morals and values doesn't lead to peace. If you're reading this article, there's a good chance you're compromising your beliefs. You may think you're taking the right path, but I generally find there's at least a sense of internal turmoil. If I'm at war within myself, I'm violating my core self by my decisions. Breaking off your affair may be one of the most difficult struggles of your life, but until the decision is made the battle never really begins. Next Steps to End an Affair Seek out expert help from those who have walked down this road before and who are experts. Decide to be resolute, unlike any other time of your life. As of this moment the affair becomes not optional. Consider writing a cold-hard-truth letter to yourself on why you need to end the affair. Be blunt. Be straightforward. Put it away and read it later, time and time again. Tell someone you trust, who is a safe person and who will give you support about your decision. Share with them why you've made the decision and what they can do to help. Consider our Hope for Healing course and finding those who can walk with you in your recovery. You're not alone in your struggle, and you don't have to be alone in your recovery. Next we'll explore how to inform your affair partner that it's over. If you have been betrayed consider attending Hope Rising: A One-Day Conference for Betrayed Spouses. You can also sign up to live stream the event if you are unable to attend live in Austin, TX.

I want you. I want you now, yesterday, and forever. Above all, I want you to want me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not safe from your spell. At any moment, the image of your face smiling at me, of your voice telling me you care, or of your hand in mine, may suddenly fill my consciousness, rudely pushing out all else. The expression "thinking of you" fails to convey either the quality or quantity of this unwilled mental activity. "Obsessed" comes closer but leaves out the aching. A child is obsessed with Christmas. But it’s a happy prepossession full of excitement, curiosity, and expectation. This prepossession is an emotional roller coaster that carries me from the peak of ecstasy to the depths of despair and back again. Everything reminds me of you. I try to read, but four times on a single page some word begins the lightning chain of associations that summons my mind away from my work, and I must struggle to return my attention to the task at hand. Enter "Limerence" Have you ever uttered such words or known someone who fits this description? If so, then you witnessed the impact of what Dorothy Tennov refers to as "Limerence." Do you believe what’s expressed above is love, or is it obsession? Failure to understand the difference might cause the loss of what you hold dear. Dorothy Tennov coined the term "Limerence" in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. The term was used to describe a condition she had witnessed in her interviews with over 500 people on the topic of love in the mid-1960s. Tennov described limerence as an intense romantic desire. It’s a form of "crazy love" that consumes the thought life of those so stricken. Today that same condition is frequently considered to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but in the world of mental health a diagnostic code for "crazy love" has yet to be assigned. Perhaps that is due to the different states of love. Limerence isn’t a new concept, its dangerous power has been made known though the ages by authors such as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in his novel The Sorrows of Young Werther2 and by countless eerie "love" songs such as "Addicted" By Kelly Clarkson: It's like you're a drug, It's like you're a demon I can't face down, It's like I'm stuck, It's like I'm running from you all the time.3 Limerence is an intense form of romantic love characterized by an emotional attachment or even an obsession with another person, which usually is involuntary, and which contains a strong desire for the reciprocation of those feelings. According to Tennov, the romantic attachment is such that the emotional state of the limerent (the person who is in limerence) is dependent on how the relationship is fairing. If the other party returns their love and affection then they are euphoric, but that feeling is balanced out by the dread of losing the relationship. If they feel the other person doesn’t return their "love" or if they feel the other party is moving away from them they can become despondent, depressed and even suicidal. At any given moment the state of their emotional well-being is dependent on how the object of their affection responds or whether life’s circumstances support or block their relationship. According to Helen Fisher, PhD, in Anatomy of Love, increased levels of norepinephrine and dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain drive the passion of limerence, and since lust is involved there are also increased levels of testosterone. After about two years a couple will move into the attachment stage, where you see an increase of vasopressin and oxytocin, and the other hormones return to normal. Most couples in attached relationships have less sex than those in the infatuation stage. The phrase "addicted to love" applies to women and men who crave the excitement (and the sexual activity) of infatuation, floating from one intense affair to the next, leaving a pile of heartbroken, attachment-seeking partners in their wake.4 Being rebuffed by the other person or having the relationship impeded by external forces only makes matters worse. Unfulfilled desire requires the dopamine center to work harder to produce rewards, over-stressing the brain’s ability to maintain equilibrium. This is often the condition that then triggers the obsessive component of limerence. The Married Couple and Limerence While the obsession created by limerence can be life altering for singles, it is life destroying for those who are married. It’s not even something they have to go out and look for; it’s a chemical reaction that typically is involuntary. The resulting surge in norepinephrine and dopamine will almost immediately eliminate what ails the limerent. Those I’ve worked with through the years report an almost immediate improvement of depressive statesand a new sense of feeling alive. On those days where it feels the other person is moving toward them, the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the air seems fresher. If it seems for whatever reason things may not work out they can begin to feel more despair than they’ve ever known. For them and to them, it’s obvious their marriage is blocking them from what they need to be truly happy and fulfilled. It’s suddenly apparent that you’ve married the wrong person. Conviction and commitment tell you have no choice, you have to stay together for the kids and because of your beliefs about marriage, but you know you’ll never again feel happy in your marriage. Over time it becomes easier to morally justify the relationship. Your happiness, possibly even your sanity, is tied to the other person and you can’t conceive continuing to live in the despair that you feel in your marriage. Your relational air supply is now tied to one outside your marriage and you know you’ll suffocate if you can’t continue seeing the other person. Even if you decide to end the relationship out of guilt and conviction, the desire you once felt for your mate has vanished and you can’t conceive of ever again having interest in your mate. Love vs. Limerence Before throwing away all you once held dear, would you like to know if what you’re experiencing is real or if it is the chemical state of limerence? Here are a few ways to tell the difference. Love acts in the best interest of another person. Limerence acts in your own self-interest. You know you can never be happy unless you get to be with this particular individual, no matter the cost to others. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Even Jesus taught, "If you love someone who reciprocates and makes you feel good about yourself, what’s the big deal? But loving someone who is difficult to love is love divine."5 Limerence has no choice. Looking back over my own limerent state, something that disturbs me was my lack of choice. I wasn’t in control. I was being controlled by feelings stronger than I had ever imagined possible. Obsession isn’t love. Love consists of honesty and is willing to be realistic. Limerence is narcissistic by nature. According to Greek Mythology, Narcissus was the object of desire for Echo. Instead of responding he rebuffed her, telling her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life roaming lonely hollows until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. Notice Narcissus didn’t fall in love with himself, but with his own image. He reached out to his beloved, but the second his hand touched the water the image was distorted. He quickly withdrew his hand, but now there was no way for him to get the substance he so badly needed. Eventually he died at the side of the pool yearning for that which he loved. For the married limerent, it is much the same. The importance of the relationship is such that taking an honest look at themselves or the relationship disturbs the image and prevents them from getting what they so desperately need. Another aspect of limerence is what is called crystallization. The obsession of limerence robs you of your perspective and renders you incapable of properly weighing the negatives of your affair partner. You may be able to see the negatives, but in a limerent state those negatives are seen as strengths or assets. It’s not until the limerent state wears off that perspective is gained. Limerence is blind. To maintain the image of the relationship you have to ignore the obvious and desperately cling to how you want it to be. Love isn’t proud, but humble. At the most basic level humility is about trust. It’s about an ability to trust others with who you are. Thomas Merton said that humility consists of being "precisely the person you actually are before God." Love consists of a willingness to be intimate with who you are and what you’ve done.Limerence is rooted in shame. It is based on fear that you won’t get what you want and that others may see you as you really are. Love is about mutuality in relationships, about give and take. Limerence is about an infatuation with someone other than your mate. It leaves your mate in the dark with no clue to what is driving you. Love involves healthy sexual closeness and physical intimacy with your partner. Limerence is intially focused on attracting the affair partner’s attention and nothing more. The longing for the sexual connection within the limerent relationship is initially hidden to avoid pushing the other person away. Over time the sexual longing overcomes the will power of the one in the limerent state. Love is compassionate and caring to all those in your life. It is others-centered. Limerence is self-deceived and self-centered. One of my daughters was a Commercial Music Performance major at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. Only problem was she was she had severe performance anxiety. Her voice teacher was the one who cured her. Minutes before her recital her teacher pulled her aside and told her, "You are the most self-centered little diva I’ve ever worked with. All you ever think about is what others will think about you, instead of being worried about the message God has given you to deliver to others. Here’s the truth, if you are focused on what others think about you, you’re still only thinking about yourself, which makes you 100% totally self-centered. Now quit worrying about what others are thinking and get to the business for which you’ve been called." Love is about a healthy sexual relationship that is mutually satisfying. Limerence is manipulative, trying to get the other person to respond to you, while rebuffing your mate’s kindness and advances because now all that holds value to you is the attention of someone with whom you’ve become obsessed. Before making any permanent decisions about the fate of your marriage, have the courage to look at yourself. Do the work necessary to understand your personal contributions to this mess. Seek to understand your mate rather than trying to get you mate to understand you. You’ll be amazed at what being concerned for others can do for how you feel about yourself. If you’re in need of an ‘infidelity-specific’ approach, I’d highly encourage you to consider our EMS Online course. It’s a safe place for both spouses to heal and not only discover a way out of Limerance, but a way out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair. Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence. Kindle Edition: Rowman & Littlefield, 1998. Goethe, Wolfgang von.The Sorrows of Young Werther. New York: Signet Books, 1774. Print. Clarkson, Kelly. Addicted. RCA, 2004. MP3. Fisher, Helen.Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: Ballantine Books, 1994. The New International Version Bible. New York: Oxford University Press, 2009. Print. (author’s paraphrase)