Survivors' Blog

Who is your confidant? Who do you reach out to when you need to talk? Not just for friendly chit-chats about the latest movie or daily frustrations over child care. But who do you pour out your heart to when you're sad, lonely, scared or angry? More importantly, who listens to your deepest fears, heartache and pain over the betrayal you're living with? Have you found a confidant that you trust, that special someone who is there when you need to cry, mourn, yell or just sit and be held? Susan was that person for me. She drove twenty hours over two days so I wouldn't be alone in those first dark days after learning about my husband's affair. She kept me sane and grounded. Susan made sure I ate, listened without judgment, and held me when I cried. She didn't leave until she was sure I would be okay and then regularly called to ask how I was doing."How are you" wasn't a rhetorical question to Susan. She really wanted to know. She was the only one I shared my deepest fears, thoughts and emotions with. As the weeks moved into months and my husband and I started recovery Susan and I might not talk for a month or two but when we did we shared the fun and interesting things in our lives plus the frustrating and painful. Only Susan knew everything that happened before, during and after the affair. I told her things I never told my siblings. Not even my mother knows the details that I told Susan. It's important that you find a confidant after d-day. Do not think you can go through this agony alone. Women especially need to talk through their pain until it doesn't hurt anymore. Make sure that the person you choose to be your confidant isn't judgmental but will support you, your spouse and your marriage. This person must also support whatever decision you choose to make about your marriage without inserting their own opinions about what's "best" for you to do, which is a decision only you can make. The talking you do with your confidant is separate from the very important talking that you do with your spouse in order to heal your marriage, if that is what you choose to do. Your confidant is for you and you alone. It's for working through your innermost thoughts and feelings. To make sure that you don't keep them bottled up inside but get them out, work through them, and heal. Recently Susan's husband called and said that she was in the hospital. I flew out the next morning in time to say good-bye. It was a sudden and unexpected illness that took my dear friend. The only blessing was that she went without pain. As I write these words I can't stop the tears. I feel Susan's loss on a level that's difficult to explain. Yes, I lost a friend that can never be replaced. But I lost so much more.I lost a person who accepted me without question and loved me without judgment. Susan was genuine. She lived her faith in a way that few people are capable of doing. This isn't a negative reflection on others but a testament on the amazing heart of my treasured friend. Everyone needs a friend, a confidant, like Susan. If you haven't yet found one, reach out to someone and develop a friendship that is safe enough for you to feel comfortable sharing all of you with, not just the "safe" parts. It can be your mother, father, best friend, sibling, or anyone you trust to be there when you need to open your heart to them. For your mental, spiritual and emotional health, as you work through recovery, you need a Susan. Good luck and stay strong. You are not alone.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door - Part 1 Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Ending an affair requires more than a decision. If there is another person involved, the bridge to that relationship absolutely needs to be burned. I remember when my oldest child began speaking. The words she learned provided a new form of entertainment. When she wanted us to open something for her she'd say "door" because she'd heard us say "open the door." Door became her word for open. However there was one phrase she got right. Each night when we'd put her to bed and begin to leave she'd say "Don't shut the door." She wanted to see us and to hear us. That connection was as important to her as air and water. The attachment she shared with us left her panicked if that door was shut. Last week I said the first step to ending an affair was making an irreversible decision that it was over. The next step is closing the door. I shared the above example because if there's an attachment it may not come easily, you may even feel panicked. Ending a relationship may require breaking an attachment which is going to hurt, but failure to shatter that bond anchors you, your mate and your affair partner to misery for years to come. How to Close The Door: Use clear and concise communication. Take responsibility for the decision to end the affair: The affair is your responsibility not your mate's. You made the choices that led to the affair and it has to be your decision to end it. Let your affair partner clearly know it's over but in a way that is safe for your mate. If you're not the one closing the door it's too easy to open it back up. Your mate may be demanding you end the affair, and you should, but it must be because it's what you're choosing, not because they want you to. Playing the victim and blaming your mate or family for ending the affair only paves the pathway right back to your AP. Be clear that it's over: There can be no wiggle room. Saying, "I really want to be with you, but I need to do the right thing" isn't shutting the door. It conveys a desire to continue and encourages the affair partner to hang on. While you may be doubtful or even convinced the marriage can't work you've already made the irreversible decision to end the affair. Say it loud and say it clear. "This is over." Over means over: Let them know that over means no contact whatsoever. It may be tempting to lessen the pain by suggesting you can still be friends. Morphing the affair into "just friends" isn't closing the door; it's leaving it half open for the breeze to flow through. Speak in the first person: "I'm ending this relationship." Don't try and soften the blow by using the word we. If it's up to "us" to end this relationship then a covert alliance is maintained between the two of you and the door is left open to see how "we" are doing. They don't have to agree, in fact they probably won't agree. If they genuinely care about you and if you care about them, disappointment, hurt and anger will abound. But there's no other way. In affairs we promise things that others have first rights to, and when the illusion ends a harsh reality sets in. An Important Note: This is especially true if your affair partner first breaks up with you. You need to make your own decision to end the relationship with them and take steps to that end. It makes no difference if they did it first, this has to be what you choose and act on. Otherwise you'll find yourself in the role of the victim pining away for what you can't have. Be clear about whom you owe what: Ending an affair is messy and wounded souls abound in the aftermath of an affair, but your affair partner isn't the victim. If they knew you were married then they at least had the opportunity to make a choice to enter the relationship. Your mate had no choice in the matter (even if you felt they didn't want the marriage anymore, unless you asked for permission they had no choice). Restitution needs to be made for the victim, not the perpetrator. Your affair partner's healing isn't your responsibility. You can't end an affair by continuing to play "knight in shining armor." If you feel your decision places them at risk of self-harm then hand them off to someone who can help them by calling 911. Clearly communicate that you realize the damage you've done to your mate and family and that it's over. Let them know where your loyalties lie and that you're going to do all you can to help your family heal. Set clear boundaries: Clearly state that you want no contact and how you will respond if they attempt to reach you. Let them know you will not respond or that your mate will respond. Don't be naïve, your affair partner will most likely try to make contact, and for most there's a part of us that hopes they will. Letting them know up front how you will respond helps them understand that you're serious about ending the relationship. Vehicles for communicating it's over: If you've made an irreversible decision to end the affair, don't set yourself up for failure while closing the door. Using email or phone is far safer than having a face-to-face meeting. When ending my affair I knew it was impossible to meet face to face with my affair partner. I couldn't trust myself to maintain my new resolve if we were to sit and talk about it. My decision wasn't about her, it was about what I knew was best, and I didn't need her permission or agreement. More than likely the strong feelings generated by our relationship would have once again corroded my resolve and resulted in continuing the relationship. Staying Free (Avoiding Relapse) We don't fall back into the affair because we're weak, we fall back because we're prideful and we put ourselves in situations we think we can handle. I've never had anyone relapse because they're weak; we only relapse when we think we can do things such as meet in person to say goodbye. Don't be deceived, even if there is a part of you that wants out of the relationship, there is also another part of you that still wants the relationship. That is part of the struggle that comes from being human. Don't underestimate the strength of the attachment with your affair partner. Assuming you're too weak to handle meeting face to face will allow the door to be shut completely. Involving Your Spouse If at all possible, have your mate involved in the final communication. If it's a phone call let your mate be on the other line to hear what you say. If it's an email copy them on the communication. Stopping an affair isn't a conversation; it's a statement. Say what you have to say and no more. You're making this call or sending this email to let them know what you're doing about the relationship and how you're going to proceed from this time forward. Feeling guilt for the pain you've caused them by your choices is appropriate, but the point where you hurt them isn't telling them it's over, the point you wounded them occurred when you became involved with them in the first place. An example of such communication might look something like this: I am ending our relationship. Do not communicate with me. I now see this relationship was a mistake. My choices have deeply hurt my mate and my family and I'm going to do everything in my power to help them heal and find a better future. I only hope s/he can recover from my betrayal and I want you to move on with your life. If you try to contact me I will not respond, but I hope you'll honor my request of no contact. I will respect you by not contacting you. The Best Response is No Response Some relationships have already died and there's no need to say it's over. If discovery happens after the affair has ended and there hasn't been contact for a number of months or if it was just a one-night stand then let sleeping dogs lie. The best way to end a relationship is no response. If the affair partner reaches out and even gets a negative response it still increases the likelihood of further communication. Negative attention is still attention. Finally, closing the door to a relationship can be complicated and for various reasons what I've suggested may not work in every situation. If you feel your situation is an exception to the above mentioned guidelines then talk with an expert who can help develop a healthy strategy for ending the affair. I'd encourage you to sign up for our Hope for Healing course for the unfaithful spouse. You'll be happy to know we have both men and women's groups, safe not only for you and your pain, but also for your relapse prevention. Next week, we'll be discussing how to lock the door after you've shut the door.

Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decison Close the Door Lock the Door - Part One Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Most Wayward Spouses See No Way Out My Story: Suicide seemed the only alternative for ending my affair. Not wanting to cause any further pain eliminated honesty as an alternative. Mostly, I didn't want to be seen as "the cheater". Snared by conflicting feelings, I wouldn't decide. Despair hung over me like dark storm clouds. I could see no way out. Failed attempts at ending the affair ignited feelings of hopelessness and left me feeling absolutely out of control. Crazy as it sounds, death seemed the best alternative. I know right from wrong. My head knew I needed to end it but my heart cried no. I felt responsible for my AP and wanted to protect her. My deception had no end. Here are just some of the mental traps I fell into: It felt I couldn't live without her and I feared the outcome of a separation. I had never experienced such extreme and desperate feelings. I was sure this was my one chance for happiness. I believed she was my soulmate. I even worried that letting go would result in someone else getting to experience the life I'd given up. If I stayed married would I remain forever miserable? Would it be the right decision or would I forever regret this decision? I began to catch glimpses of destruction in my future. More misery than I ever imagined flooded my life. If the affair was so great why was I so desperate? I finally understood I had no choice. I couldn't break free even if I wanted. My own efforts were not going to be enough. That reality guided me to the truth: I was ensnared in a fantasy of my own making. Reasons to abandon the marriage were bountiful, but reasons to stop the affair seemed unimaginable. Determined, I began ignoring my emotions and thinking of "Reasons to stop the affair". At the very least, I needed to make a definitive choice one way or the other. Make the Decision Step one in ending an affair is firmly deciding to end it. This is a unilateral decision made for you and by you. It is NOT based on an agreement between you and your AP. Joint decisions between you and your AP leave you in a covert alliance and provide reasons to check in to see how things are going. This must be an irreversible decision you make to get your life back. It's not the same as wishing you could want to want to break off the affair. That's a mindset I call "W3" (wishing you could want to want to break it off). Without firm resolve and a strategy, the allure of the feelings generated by the affair will draw you back. There can be no wishing. This decision is about breaking free and has to be final. An Uncertain Future Ambivalence is two diametrically opposed desires effectively canceling each other out. It is a state of homeostasis that leaves you 50/50 when it comes to infidelity. We're stuck because 50% of us want the right thing and 50% of us want what we want. The more resolute you are about ending an affair the stronger the tantrum from the other half. Anticipate the civil war that follows the decision to walk. The stronger your resolve, the stronger the internal tantrum. Voices in your head will tell you to run back to your AP and that you can't live without them. The internal tantrum will shout that you're making the worse mistake of your life. You must decide beforehand that the inevitable backlash is simply part of the process and do not waver. Your reasons for ending the relationship are still valid and this is the defining moment where you remind yourself of the promise of freedom you're seeking. Freedom will not come in the shadows of secrecy. After all, it's the secrecy and darkness which empowers our failures and addictions. Understand why the decision is difficult. This helps counter the voices telling you to give in and go back. For more information read "Why Breaking Up is Hard to Do". Compromising your morals and values doesn't lead to peace. If you're reading this article, there's a good chance you're compromising your beliefs. You may think you're taking the right path, but I generally find there's at least a sense of internal turmoil. If I'm at war within myself, I'm violating my core self by my decisions. Breaking off your affair may be one of the most difficult struggles of your life, but until the decision is made the battle never really begins. Next Steps to End an Affair Seek out expert help from those who have walked down this road before and who are experts. Decide to be resolute, unlike any other time of your life. As of this moment the affair becomes not optional. Consider writing a cold-hard-truth letter to yourself on why you need to end the affair. Be blunt. Be straightforward. Put it away and read it later, time and time again. Tell someone you trust, who is a safe person and who will give you support about your decision. Share with them why you've made the decision and what they can do to help. Consider our Hope for Healing course and finding those who can walk with you in your recovery. You're not alone in your struggle, and you don't have to be alone in your recovery. Next we'll explore how to inform your affair partner that it's over. If you have been betrayed consider attending Hope Rising: A One-Day Conference for Betrayed Spouses. You can also sign up to live stream the event if you are unable to attend live in Austin, TX.

I want you. I want you now, yesterday, and forever. Above all, I want you to want me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not safe from your spell. At any moment, the image of your face smiling at me, of your voice telling me you care, or of your hand in mine, may suddenly fill my consciousness, rudely pushing out all else. The expression "thinking of you" fails to convey either the quality or quantity of this unwilled mental activity. "Obsessed" comes closer but leaves out the aching. A child is obsessed with Christmas. But it’s a happy prepossession full of excitement, curiosity, and expectation. This prepossession is an emotional roller coaster that carries me from the peak of ecstasy to the depths of despair and back again. Everything reminds me of you. I try to read, but four times on a single page some word begins the lightning chain of associations that summons my mind away from my work, and I must struggle to return my attention to the task at hand. Enter "Limerence" Have you ever uttered such words or known someone who fits this description? If so, then you witnessed the impact of what Dorothy Tennov refers to as "Limerence." Do you believe what’s expressed above is love, or is it obsession? Failure to understand the difference might cause the loss of what you hold dear. Dorothy Tennov coined the term "Limerence" in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. The term was used to describe a condition she had witnessed in her interviews with over 500 people on the topic of love in the mid-1960s. Tennov described limerence as an intense romantic desire. It’s a form of "crazy love" that consumes the thought life of those so stricken. Today that same condition is frequently considered to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but in the world of mental health a diagnostic code for "crazy love" has yet to be assigned. Perhaps that is due to the different states of love. Limerence isn’t a new concept, its dangerous power has been made known though the ages by authors such as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in his novel The Sorrows of Young Werther2 and by countless eerie "love" songs such as "Addicted" By Kelly Clarkson: It's like you're a drug, It's like you're a demon I can't face down, It's like I'm stuck, It's like I'm running from you all the time.3 Limerence is an intense form of romantic love characterized by an emotional attachment or even an obsession with another person, which usually is involuntary, and which contains a strong desire for the reciprocation of those feelings. According to Tennov, the romantic attachment is such that the emotional state of the limerent (the person who is in limerence) is dependent on how the relationship is fairing. If the other party returns their love and affection then they are euphoric, but that feeling is balanced out by the dread of losing the relationship. If they feel the other person doesn’t return their "love" or if they feel the other party is moving away from them they can become despondent, depressed and even suicidal. At any given moment the state of their emotional well-being is dependent on how the object of their affection responds or whether life’s circumstances support or block their relationship. According to Helen Fisher, PhD, in Anatomy of Love, increased levels of norepinephrine and dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain drive the passion of limerence, and since lust is involved there are also increased levels of testosterone. After about two years a couple will move into the attachment stage, where you see an increase of vasopressin and oxytocin, and the other hormones return to normal. Most couples in attached relationships have less sex than those in the infatuation stage. The phrase "addicted to love" applies to women and men who crave the excitement (and the sexual activity) of infatuation, floating from one intense affair to the next, leaving a pile of heartbroken, attachment-seeking partners in their wake.4 Being rebuffed by the other person or having the relationship impeded by external forces only makes matters worse. Unfulfilled desire requires the dopamine center to work harder to produce rewards, over-stressing the brain’s ability to maintain equilibrium. This is often the condition that then triggers the obsessive component of limerence. The Married Couple and Limerence While the obsession created by limerence can be life altering for singles, it is life destroying for those who are married. It’s not even something they have to go out and look for; it’s a chemical reaction that typically is involuntary. The resulting surge in norepinephrine and dopamine will almost immediately eliminate what ails the limerent. Those I’ve worked with through the years report an almost immediate improvement of depressive statesand a new sense of feeling alive. On those days where it feels the other person is moving toward them, the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the air seems fresher. If it seems for whatever reason things may not work out they can begin to feel more despair than they’ve ever known. For them and to them, it’s obvious their marriage is blocking them from what they need to be truly happy and fulfilled. It’s suddenly apparent that you’ve married the wrong person. Conviction and commitment tell you have no choice, you have to stay together for the kids and because of your beliefs about marriage, but you know you’ll never again feel happy in your marriage. Over time it becomes easier to morally justify the relationship. Your happiness, possibly even your sanity, is tied to the other person and you can’t conceive continuing to live in the despair that you feel in your marriage. Your relational air supply is now tied to one outside your marriage and you know you’ll suffocate if you can’t continue seeing the other person. Even if you decide to end the relationship out of guilt and conviction, the desire you once felt for your mate has vanished and you can’t conceive of ever again having interest in your mate. Love vs. Limerence Before throwing away all you once held dear, would you like to know if what you’re experiencing is real or if it is the chemical state of limerence? Here are a few ways to tell the difference. Love acts in the best interest of another person. Limerence acts in your own self-interest. You know you can never be happy unless you get to be with this particular individual, no matter the cost to others. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Even Jesus taught, "If you love someone who reciprocates and makes you feel good about yourself, what’s the big deal? But loving someone who is difficult to love is love divine."5 Limerence has no choice. Looking back over my own limerent state, something that disturbs me was my lack of choice. I wasn’t in control. I was being controlled by feelings stronger than I had ever imagined possible. Obsession isn’t love. Love consists of honesty and is willing to be realistic. Limerence is narcissistic by nature. According to Greek Mythology, Narcissus was the object of desire for Echo. Instead of responding he rebuffed her, telling her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life roaming lonely hollows until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. Notice Narcissus didn’t fall in love with himself, but with his own image. He reached out to his beloved, but the second his hand touched the water the image was distorted. He quickly withdrew his hand, but now there was no way for him to get the substance he so badly needed. Eventually he died at the side of the pool yearning for that which he loved. For the married limerent, it is much the same. The importance of the relationship is such that taking an honest look at themselves or the relationship disturbs the image and prevents them from getting what they so desperately need. Another aspect of limerence is what is called crystallization. The obsession of limerence robs you of your perspective and renders you incapable of properly weighing the negatives of your affair partner. You may be able to see the negatives, but in a limerent state those negatives are seen as strengths or assets. It’s not until the limerent state wears off that perspective is gained. Limerence is blind. To maintain the image of the relationship you have to ignore the obvious and desperately cling to how you want it to be. Love isn’t proud, but humble. At the most basic level humility is about trust. It’s about an ability to trust others with who you are. Thomas Merton said that humility consists of being "precisely the person you actually are before God." Love consists of a willingness to be intimate with who you are and what you’ve done.Limerence is rooted in shame. It is based on fear that you won’t get what you want and that others may see you as you really are. Love is about mutuality in relationships, about give and take. Limerence is about an infatuation with someone other than your mate. It leaves your mate in the dark with no clue to what is driving you. Love involves healthy sexual closeness and physical intimacy with your partner. Limerence is intially focused on attracting the affair partner’s attention and nothing more. The longing for the sexual connection within the limerent relationship is initially hidden to avoid pushing the other person away. Over time the sexual longing overcomes the will power of the one in the limerent state. Love is compassionate and caring to all those in your life. It is others-centered. Limerence is self-deceived and self-centered. One of my daughters was a Commercial Music Performance major at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. Only problem was she was she had severe performance anxiety. Her voice teacher was the one who cured her. Minutes before her recital her teacher pulled her aside and told her, "You are the most self-centered little diva I’ve ever worked with. All you ever think about is what others will think about you, instead of being worried about the message God has given you to deliver to others. Here’s the truth, if you are focused on what others think about you, you’re still only thinking about yourself, which makes you 100% totally self-centered. Now quit worrying about what others are thinking and get to the business for which you’ve been called." Love is about a healthy sexual relationship that is mutually satisfying. Limerence is manipulative, trying to get the other person to respond to you, while rebuffing your mate’s kindness and advances because now all that holds value to you is the attention of someone with whom you’ve become obsessed. Before making any permanent decisions about the fate of your marriage, have the courage to look at yourself. Do the work necessary to understand your personal contributions to this mess. Seek to understand your mate rather than trying to get you mate to understand you. You’ll be amazed at what being concerned for others can do for how you feel about yourself. If you’re in need of an ‘infidelity-specific’ approach, I’d highly encourage you to consider our EMS Online course. It’s a safe place for both spouses to heal and not only discover a way out of Limerance, but a way out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair. Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence. Kindle Edition: Rowman & Littlefield, 1998. Goethe, Wolfgang von.The Sorrows of Young Werther. New York: Signet Books, 1774. Print. Clarkson, Kelly. Addicted. RCA, 2004. MP3. Fisher, Helen.Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: Ballantine Books, 1994. The New International Version Bible. New York: Oxford University Press, 2009. Print. (author’s paraphrase)

My Beginning with Stephanie In the beginning, my relationship with Stephanie was anything but monotonous. I first saw her on a church retreat she attended with her boyfriend of three years. From the first moment I saw her I knew he wasn't right for her. The fact that he went to bed early Saturday evening, leaving me with the opportunity to impress her with my skills as a singing troubadour, only confirmed my belief. Alas, as the weekend drew to a close I failed to get her number, but not to be discouraged I called her good friend and acquired the necessary information. It was 8:17PM, only a few hours after I last had seen her when I made my fortuitous call. "How would you like to get together next weekend?" I asked. "John's in the living room and he just asked me to marry him" she replied. "I first need to give him an answer." Her boyfriend had literally just said, "Will you marry me?" when the phone rang. In those days there were no answering machines so Stephanie had stepped into the bedroom to answer the phone. Without skipping a beat I asked, "When do you think you'll know by?" "I think Wednesday," she told me. "Then I'll call back on Wednesday." Thankfully when Wednesday came she said yes which marked the beginning of our relationship over 40 years ago. The first stage of our relationship was torrid. I proposed within the first two months of our meeting. Nothing in life was more enjoyable than spending time with my girl and the only thing limiting that enjoyment was the 123 miles separating Lubbock from Amarillo. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" certainly seemed appropriate in our case. When apart, I was miserable, but when we were together I was lit up. "Then We Got Married . . . ." At that moment we went from wanting what we didn't have, to at times, having who we didn't want. At the start our relationship had been about enjoying one another, but once we married it became about pleasing one another. I now felt responsible for her happiness and began trying to meet her needs in the same way she now began trying to make me happy. As time went on, instead of enjoying one another as we once had we now felt the increasing responsibility for pleasing one another and meeting each other's needs. The only problem was, in my opinion, she was impossible to please and I'm sure she felt I was just as difficult. No matter how hard I tried it was never good enough.I was certain she wasn't as committed in her quest of pleasing me as I was in pleasing her. As years went by we seemed to drift further and further apart. Where was the talk of man and mate that at first had captured our hearts? Why had things become so dull and commonplace? Bad Marriages Don't Cause Affairs . . . Bad Choices Do Before I go any further, I don't think bad marriages cause affairs, bad choices do. Nor do I think good marriages prevent affairs, but they might help eliminate some of the temptation we face. Contrary to many memes and tweets out there,it's impossible to affair-proof a marriage we can only affair-proof ourselves. However, part of affair-proofing ourselves comes through our own journey of growing up both as an individual and in our marriage. Immaturity along with lack of investment in one's relationship can certainly set the stage for infidelity. But certainly many couples can relate to what happened with Stephanie and me. Instead of ongoing flames of passion burning for our mate, we end up at a place of ‘monotonous monogamy' where life becomes routine and boring. What dulls the passion and energy from which our relationship's spring? Typically, while we crave some illicit list of reasons, it's often times nothing more than expectations and routine. Pitfall #1 of Monogamy: A Paradigm Shift To begin, our goals shift. In the beginning we're about enjoying one another, once married we move to a paradigm where we believe it's about pleasing each other. It's your job to meet my needs in the same way it's now my job to meet your needs. But once I'm responsible for pleasing you, who then becomes responsible for my success? You!!! I can try has hard as I want, but if Stephanie's in a funky mood there's a good chance nothing I do will cause it to improve. However if my goal shifts to that of enjoying her, who is now responsible for my success? I am! She can be in a foul mood, but whether I enjoy her is now my responsibility. Once I made my goal that of enjoying her instead of pleasing her, everything changed. Instead of feeling like a failure when she was short, I was now master of my own destiny; I controlled whether I chose to enjoy her. Even better, the more I enjoyed her the more she looked forward to being with me. She could sense I was excited to see her and interested in her. It's natural to feel what irritates, but we have to be intentional to find what we appreciate. I read a quote the other day I found quite interesting: "what we appreciate, appreciates." After infidelity, if we want to build an extraordinary marriage, shifting the lens through which we see one another is imperative. The pain of betrayal causes the hurt spouse to be keenly aware of every flaw exhibited by their mate. The guilt of the betrayal certainly tempts the unfaithful spouse to focus on their mate's flaws as a way to justify their failure. Choosing to enjoy our mate and focusing on what we appreciate is imperative if we want to move from our ruts and back into our grooves. Pitfall #2 of Monogamy: Following Old Scripts The second pitfall of monogamy is the ridged scripts we create when we first marry. If I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times, "I could express myself in the affair," or "we were able to talk in ways I've never been able to in my marriage." Why is that? It's because marriages typically operate off scripts created by newlyweds in their twenties which don't allow for new forms of expression as they mature. If a couple is stuck in a sex role script created by two twenty year olds, why wouldn't the freedom afforded by an extramarital affair provide for a new and previously suppressed form of expression? What's tragic is the marriage could have also provided a safe haven for self-expression if only they had known how to break free from old scripts and felt the freedom to express themselves in the marriage. Lest someone thinks I'm condoning affairs, I am not; but I do think it's tragic when marriages become rigorously monotonous. It doesn't have to be. Pitfall #3 of Monogamy: Just Being Close Isn't Going To Cut It Couples often settle for closeness and safety instead of intimacy. Intimacy is about a willingness to fully know another and a willingness to let them know you, not only who you are, but what you're thinking and doing. Part of what makes emotional and physical affairs so appealing is intimacy. Almost anybody can be intimate in an affair, but can they do it in a marriage? That takes hutzpah. In the beginning of a relationship there's always a fresh newness of life as we share our heart and soul with another and find they still love and accept us in spite of our flaws. I know that's part of what I enjoyed in the initial stages of my relationship with Stephanie, and it's also part of what I enjoyed as I began my affair. Intimacy in my marriage had long since gone missing, but why? Once married, intimacy isn't typically validated as it had once been in the beginning. In marriage, intimacy typically creates short term instability rather than closeness. If I share something I've done that I'm sure my mate won't agree with, instead of validation I may get condemnation. If I share my wants and preferences about our sexual relationship and my mate isn't interested in the same things, it may well create instability. What if what I find erotic and how I want to express myself sexually is different from my mate? Will they join me or reject me because I'm different than them? To avoid instability we settle for closeness, which is a pseudo-intimacy. Instability is minimized, but stability comes at the cost of passion. We pretend our wants are the same as our mate's in an attempt to avoid conflict, but in the process it often feels we've lost our soul. We have the security and safety we thought we wanted, but it leads to monotonous monogamy. We're not victims however, my passion is my responsibility not my mates, and choosing an emotional affair to address unmet needs is certainly easier in the short run, but it never helps us mature. Anyone can do intimacy in a romantic relationship, but can they learn to do it in a long-term committed relationship? In the emotional affair intrigue and mystery are abundant, but do you know how to keep intrigue and mystery alive in a marriage? The paradigm of closeness and security require us to truncate our mate, making assumptions about their motives and thoughts to fit how we choose to see them. To admit that maybe we don't fully know them opens us up to a world of discovery and unpredictability. While that may be exciting for those in the beginning stages of a relationship or in an affair, it's both challenging and wonderfully rewarding for those in a marriage. Pitfall #4 of Monogamy: Individual Sovereignty is an Aphrodisiac Passion and eroticism require distance, not sameness. The security generated by closeness can cause our mate to feel more like a sibling rather than a lover. Eroticism is about the ongoing expression of desire for our mate. It requires individual sovereignty where I take responsibility for my own desire and arousal, not abdicating my responsibility by placing that burden on my mate. It's refusing to believe I know my mate and instead choosing to see them as a deep mystery that I could spend 100 years trying to uncover only to still be surprised. It's not my mate that has to change, for passion to occur. I have to change how I see my mate and be honest with myself about who I am and who I am not. Maintaining passion also requires the courage to accept the "shadow of the third." How quickly we forget the gift given by our mate when they choose to spend their life with us. There is no shortage of people who would love to be with them, but they choose us. Devaluing our mate, by failing to remember there are others who would certainly love to be with them but for some strange reason they continue to be faithful to us, robs us of a true appreciation of their love. An appreciation for the shadow of the third reminds us of the value of our mate's ongoing commitment. We don't have to settle for this discouraging and hopeless monotonous monogamy. There are better ways, but they take effort and expert strategy. As I said earlier, bad marriages don't cause affairs, bad choices do. In fairness, that's not to say there aren't factors which make our marriages vulnerable. Why would you want to live in a lifeless marriage when there's a wonderful alternative without embarrassment or shame? I'd like to encourage you to consider the possibility that maybe what you're seeing and experiencing isn't all there is to the restoration process? Maybe what you both need is a paradigm shift? Maybe you're not as messed up as you think? If that's you, please consider enrolling in our EMS Online course for couples. It just might be the vehicle which leads to awareness and restoration. General help just isn't the full answer my friends. Finding a safe place which provides an infidelity-specific protocol is key for you and your partner's healing. I hope you'll consider getting the help you need today.

How does infidelity impact those who get divorced (i.e. divorce recovery) and what are their unique challenges? This week I'd like to focus on the specific barriers the betrayed spouse faces and the baggage they may actually carry into future relationships. Moving on after divorce, especially when infidelity is involved, is just not easy nor without new hurt. After 26 years of marriage and three beautiful children, Martha discovered her husband was cheating on her with girls closer to her children's ages than her own. Her first response was to kick him out. There was little or no remorse on his part. He felt she should just get over it. Eventually she invited him back, prematurely she now admits, for the sake of the kids. She wasn't even sure what she needed to forgive given his lack of disclosure. Change was not something that interested him, in fact the only change he felt necessary was on her part; she needed to get over it, lighten up and be more fun. Eventually her husband's unwillingness to commit to a monogamous relationship led to divorce. "How do you move forward when the best of who you were has been shredded and rejected?" she asked. That harsh reality is now 11 years past, but healing didn't begin until recently. Charged with charting a course for her family, she ignored her own need for restoration. In her mind, financial survival and raising children were the top priorities. As she put it. . . "I didn't even feel I had the right to have needs. It was all so scary. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost my whole life. I lost the majority of things that made me who I am: my home, many of our friends, my identity as his wife, my confidence, my security and my future." Life after divorce and betrayal creates unique challenges for the injured spouse. While divorce may be the best next step for some, those who divorce have a difficult journey ahead of them. They will have to overcome issues with . . . 1. Mistrust: Infidelity shatters the reality of the injured spouse so thoroughly that they often have trouble trusting their realty, their judgment, others and even themselves. Moving on after divorce, how can you know you aren't making the same mistake again? How do you release your heart to the care of another? Even finding Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful doesn't necessarily solve the dilemma. It takes a great deal of individual work before enough healing occurs for self-confidence to return and hope for the future is recovered. Until that healing comes, releasing one's soul to the care of another is a challenge at best. 2. Triggers: Betrayal is frequently a traumatic experience for the injured spouse. Divorce in no way remedies the problems of emotional flooding. Reminders of what happened can create strong emotional reactions for years to come. While an unfaithful spouse may understand the root cause of that reaction, others who weren't involved at the point of crisis may find their reactivity confusing. Failure to take the time to process the trauma of the betrayal on top of divorce recovery can leave them susceptible to emotional flooding for years to come. 3. Jealousy: Life after divorce and betrayal can leave the injured spouse with an unfounded fear regarding the faithfulness of future partners. It's understandable, but the need for safety can be higher for these individuals. Choosing not to mistrust is frequently a daily struggle and key to divorce recovery. It's no wonder that hypervigilance becomes a natural part of their being. The old saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" rings truer than ever before. The last thing they want is to be hurt again and in their mind "better safe than sorry" can become a limiting factor for future relationships. 4. Risk aversion: For those who divorce, infidelity often creates a problem with intimacy avoidance. One approach to avoid future pain is to always hold a part of self back in future relationships. Being "all in" can present a serious challenge if you choose to avoid the risk of future pain. While there's a part of us that longs to be connected to a special person, taking that risk may seem next to impossible if betrayed in a previous relationship. You may find, while moving on after divorce and into future relationships, that you feel as if you have hit a wall when the relationship progresses to a deeper level of intimacy. 5. Negative lens: Betrayal may create an aversion for anyone of the opposite sex. To create safety, a person may choose to believe that all men cheat, or that all women lie, etc. Divorce does nothing to correct the stereo-typing of an entire people group. As a matter of fact, life after divorce potentially creates more bitterness and mistrust of the opposite sex. The inability to find a place of forgiveness and reconciliation can create a jaded perspective of life, which prevents them from ever reconnecting again. Eleven years later, Martha is still single. Until last year she longed for a new relationship, but still struggled with issues of trust. She went through "Divorce Recovery" and even led divorce recovery classes, but was still limited in her ability to move forward. Last year she entered Harboring Hope. "I never thought anything could go deep enough for my healing. The other women in my group refused to let me avoid looking at my pain. I finally recognized that I had legitimate needs that had to be addressed and Harboring Hope systematically led me through the necessary steps for healing." On the importance of community for specifically healing infidelity, she adds, "The girls in my group are still serving as a healthy support for one another months later." At Affair Recovery we know the wounds of betrayal can be healed. Regardless of whether your spouse has left you or not- don't lose hope. You have legitimate wounds as a result of the betrayal and you owe it to yourself to do the necessary work to heal. If you’re open to the possibility of marital restoration, our August EMS Weekend still has limited openings available. Our weekends provide safety for both spouses to address their own hurt, while also caring for the wounds of the marriage.

When disclosure happens, the life you thought you had seemingly crumbles in your hands. It's like the floor caves underneath you and you're in a free fall. The chaos, the fear and the dread, it can seem as though you're stuck in a vortex of chaos and agony looking for any sort of relief. You feel like you can't tell anyone, and those that you do tell, can't remain objective. "If it were me, I'd divorce him." they say . . . "I'd be done with her if my wife did that to me" they chant . . . The fact is, everyone says what they would do if infidelity transpired, until it actually happens to them. What do you do when it happens to you? Where do you turn when infidelity and uncertainty knock on your door? This week, I'd like to share with you three helpful videos specifically for the betrayed spouse. If you're in pain due to infidelity or addiction whether you're male or female, you are likely feeling alone and thrown to the wolves to fend for yourself. But, you don't have to be. There is hope and there is an online course to help you heal and quite possibly, help your relationship heal. I hope you'll take a few minutes to watch these videos, taking into account that at AffairRecovery.com, we value being a safe place for both the unfaithful and betrayed, to heal and find new life for your own recovery and even your relationship. Affair Recovery offers a weekly Expert Q&A with many of our subscriptions, courses, and retreats. Find out more in our Programs and Courses section. Our Harboring Hope course includes an additional monthly Expert Q&A with the authors of the course. This resource is private and only accessible to those participating in Harboring Hope which makes it a safe place to ask your important questions. Our YouTube Channel is a great place to stay up to date with our free videos. If you haven't subscribed yet, we encourage you to. I'd like to introduce you to our program specifically for betrayed spouses called Harboring Hope. It's a 13 week, online course, specifically designed for those who are on the receiving end of infidelity and betrayal. You'll find expert care, objectivity, small groups assigned by gender, and all of it in a safe place for you to heal. We can't control what our spouses do, but we can control what our own response to infidelity or addiction is.

When Hope Crumbles: A 2 Part Series by Cindy Beall: Surviving Infidelity: When Hope Crumbles - Part 1 Surviving Infidelity: When Hope Crumbles - Part 2 This week, we’d like to share part two of our guest post series from our friend and fellow pioneer in caring for couples in crisis, Cindy Beall1. As you’ll remember, Cindy is a friend, writer, speaker and mentor of women who are on their own journey of healing from the effects of infidelity. Her first book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, was released in 2011 and has been a wonderful source of encouragement and hope to many. We are privileged to have Cindy as the keynote speaker for our first annual Hope Rising One-Day Conference for betrayed spouse's coming up in October. When Hope Crumbles - Part 2 One would think that making the decision to honor my marriage vows when I could have walked away would have made things instantly better. Yes, a peace fell upon me as soon as I decided to trust God for clarity, but the pain and heartache took its own sweet time to diminish. On the days when I could barely lift my head from the pillow, God gave me strength for the journey. Finding truths to stand on is vital for our faith life - and never more so than when we have been let down by others, ourselves, and a lack of truth in our lives. You truly do feel lost at sea once lies wash over you and threaten to carry away the life you once had. Wisdom from godly people will help you stay afloat, but it will be God’s truth that carries you to solid ground, where you have a better perspective (not to mention a safer one).1 When the images would come flooding into my mind, I was able to turn to prayer or scripture for peace. When the pain bombarded me and suffocated me like a blanket in 100° weather, I knew where to turn for comfort. Had I never needed comfort, I would not have known the Comforter. Now I can’t promise all the storms will be removed from your life. I also can’t promise that you’ll have a comfortable, pain-free existence on this earth, even if you choose to do what seems like the selfless, admirable thing. I can’t even promise that you’ll get everything you want by pursuing restoration. What I can promise is that when you are weak, He’ll be strong. When you think you can’t take another step, He’ll carry you. When you are in despair, you can still find hope. We find these truths from a passage in the book of Isaiah: "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30-31 There are many things I don’t know... I don’t understand algebra or physics. I don’t get how a heavy airplane can stay up in the sky and not fall to the ground. I wish I knew why innocent people have to suffer, why children have to die. If I did, I’d bottle up the formula to fix their problems and give it away. I don’t know lots of things. Here’s what I do know. According to the Bible, I serve a big God. He created the Universe in less than a week. He formed mountains and scooped out valleys with His hands. He is everywhere, all the time. He can change a heart with the snap of his fingers. He can bring sight to a blind man with some dirt and saliva. He can part a sea and allow his people to cross on dry land. He can make walls fall down with the blast of a trumpet. He can keep a man from being eaten by lions. He can bring forth a child through a virgin. He can turn a Pharisee into a martyr for Christ. He can transform a fisherman into a minister of the gospel. He brings peace that no one can explain. He is truly a remarkable God. My marriage is living proof. Even if you think your situation is beyond repair, please believe this truth: God is the God of the impossible. He is faithful and loving and kind and tender and good and miraculous and amazing. He is true to His word and will do what He says He is going to do. Nothing is too difficult for Him. Join us for Hope Rising One-Day Conference on October 6th and see Cindy live! I hope this two-part series from Cindy Beall has provided a ray of hope in the midst of what may feel insurmountable. It may seem hard to believe, but there are countless stories of restoration and incredible transformations. Infidelity is a pain like no other, and no one is saying it will be easy. In those caverns of despair, look to those who have uncovered an entirely new marriage from the ashes. There is no such thing as being too far gone. Where ever you are in your story, there is hope. Transformation is typically packaged much differently than we would like. It takes incredible courage to pursue what options may exist for you both after the discovery of infidelity or addiction. If you’re looking for real stories of healing and restoration, you can read or watch testimony after testimony of people who actually participated in our Programs and Courses. If you’re looking for a hope that dares to try and the tools that teach you how to work out your recovery, I’d like to invite you to consider our EMS Weekend. If you’re still stuck in the "What now?" phase of recovery, I hope you’ll give our free First Steps Bootcamp a try. We hope it will help you decide what your next step could look like. 1Beall, Cindy. Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House, 2011. eBook.