Does Time Heal All Wounds? Healing After An Affair

First of all... Wayne - Thank you for these videos. They are immensely helpful.

I am 15 months out from our initial D-day and had another one to a lesser extent about 6 weeks ago (a discovery of pornography use). In your video you said, "The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she'd realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would've allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. If she didn't cause it, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome."

Maybe I am still struggling with this and maybe not. I'm not sure. I understand that I didn't cause my husband to cheat. However, from the beginning, I have been convicted of my own failings as a wife. I have worked very hard over the last 15 months to change myself; to be the woman and wife God wants me to be. I hope it has not been as a means to control my husband but I'm sure there is an aspect of that in there if I am honest. I struggle with the idea that if I had been a better wife, this would not have happened. Isn't there a possibility that this is true? On the flip side, I have grown and changed a lot in the last year. I have worked hard on this recovery. When I found out that my husband had been lying to me throughout this recovery about pornography use, I did not react in the same way, knowing that I had been honestly doing my best to be the wife I should have been all along. Because of that, I was able to stand up for myself and insist that he really start working on his personal recovery. Prior to this, he was only willing to work on the marriage and would not do any personal work.

In many ways, I feel stronger and somewhat healed (although not completely). With this new discovery, I feel a new fear. I have released myself from the guilt I felt about my behavior during our marriage. With that release, I also feel free to walk away if he continues to lie to me about his recovery. This is not what I want. But I also don't want to stay in a marriage with someone who has been able to lie to me so easily if he is going to continue to lie and fake recovery. My fear is that I will uncover one more lie. There is no doubt now that he understands how important honesty is to me and to the continuation of our marriage. One more lie would mean the end. Is this what you mean when you said that I have very little leverage to control the outcome?

I just second everything Rick has said here. My wife was silent. I denied my pain. Only after years, many years, did I allow the pain to surface. Then I challenged myself to express the pain, in all its detail, and challenged my wife to full disclosure, apology, empathy & repair. As Rick suggests, untended wounds get worse, not better, over time. We're in a much better place now.

I am a WW - it's not just men. I thought Time would Heal - not true and that the A should never be talked about in all it's bad details. Again not correct. Coming clean and addressing the issues that I lied to myself (& him) about were so important to admit to myself. Then supporting my BH became more and more possible. Yes you need time but the work cannot be ignored.

I can totally relate to how focusing on my pain has held me back from healing. I just want answers: why, how long, other than the 2 I know about how many others? When caught 1, 2 5, 8th time why did you never stop see her but you now want to focus on us? I an confused and frustrated. I just want to get past this but having trouble without answers and truth.

I have been married to my wife for 32 years. 31 years and 9 months I have suffered in emotional and physical pain due to her betrayals. She will not talk to me about them, yet wants me to forgive and move on. The betrayals began after the first 3 months of our marriage, then the second, 26 yrs later. Three months ago I found out the second one was still going on after she promised on two different occasions
to stop. I caught her texting to him under the covers while in bed next to me at 2 am. This relationship has been going on now over six years. The extreme trauma, the pain and the anger from the first time I had found out, have have now overtaken me. I'm in a panicking mode. My wounds have never healed. They where just laying partially dormant, but always there.
My wife does not want to hear about the pain, she shows me no empathy, even when she has seen me breakdown. She does not want to discuss her affair and in marriage counseling denies it. I am tired of living with this pain. Our five children have grown and moved out to have families and make their way in the world. I just recently found affair recovery. I have signed up for the bootcamp. I need to find a way to heal. I'm 56 years old. I still love my wife, but I can't live the rest of my life hurting. I have contacted a divorce attorney. At the same time I will be inviting her to take the bootcamp with me. I want her to work with me to heal and create something better.
No, time in itself does not heal the wounds of infedility. It is what is done within the time.

Hi I just recently discovered my spouse cheated on me. i discovered a conversation with her and another man . I did not know how to confront her. So I tried dealing with it myself so I can feel prepared to talk about it with her. The next day I found an ongoing conversation with the person. She was lying about the time she got off work so she can get up with him. I saw the conversation going on , and tried to make plans with her so she wouldn't meet with him. But she continued with the lie. I confronted her that i knew what she was planning and i packed all my things and left. I left my job and everything behind because I don't know what would I do if I saw her. I need help please. i don't know what to do anymore!!!

My wife recently revealed that she has had an ongoing affair with a mutual friend of ours for over three and a half years. She won't agree to completely cut off communication with him, so I really don't know what our hope is for recovering and reconciling. At this point, I'm just trying to understand how to heal for myself and what possible options are available to me.

My husband is the one who did the cheating, it was a one night stand but unfortunately I was a witness to it. This happened 8 weeks ago. We are working on our marriage trying to figure out what went wrong. I guess I was one of those wives who believed we had the "happily ever after" kind of marriage. We would hear about friends divorcing over affairs and would tell ourselves "this would never happen to us". We love each other deeply but I think we just got too comfortable in our every day lives and we just lost our way. My biggest problem now is I seem to be suffering from PTSD, that one image of the two of them together remains in my mind from the moment I wake up to the time I got to sleep. When I have questions about the event he is more than willing to give me answers, he never brushes it away, he is always open about it. I can see the hurt and regret in his eyes and I do forgive him, I believe it was just a drunken mistake on his part. I just wish I hadn't seen them because that's the part I just can't get over. My heart is so broken that I don't know if I will ever be able to put it back together. I am no longer a trusting person no matter what the circumstances are. I just want my life back and I don't know how do achieve that goal. If time heals all wounds, can it also erase these images?

I have been in so much pain and no matter what I do my husband will not be open with himself or co-workers. Here is my poem: Life is about doing the right thing. Never throwing someone under the bus, so you would look good. . . Life is about loyalty, caring and respecting the people who you love. Love is about including others. Love is knowing what their needs are. Love is about honoring commitments. Love is cherishing the hard work your loved ones do. Love is noticing what they do. Life is telling the truth. Life is being honest. Life is doing the best you can do.
Well, after 34 years of marriage I am tired of the pain and can not take any more of it.

My wife left me 6 weeks ago, and I found out she was having an affair about a week later. We were married 14 years, knew each other for 16. After she left, she went into hiding, and didn't respond to calls or messages from family and friends. When I discovered who she was having an affair with, I texted her his name - and she responded "so now you know why I had to leave". I wanted to work on our marriage. Only a week before she left, we had a good conversation about steps we could take to strengthen our marriage. We made a plan together. Things were going to change. But a week later, she left. Every time I bring up forgiveness, and reconciliation she is not interested. She continues to see the new person. We have signed a separation agreement, and are selling the house. I am living in an apartment on my own now.

I have been battling depression for a long time, and she was always complaining about my physical appearance. She found someone who was an alpha male, physically fit, and she wanted to get sexual satisfaction from that. I feel abandoned, deeply hurt, and initially thought perhaps a friendship could be salvaged. However, all I feel is hate for her now. I never want to see her again. She broke a sacred promise to stay together through good times and bad, sickness and health - and lied to me as the affair was going on ( it started 3 months before she left).

In my opinion, our marriage was amazing 90 percent of the time. The last 6 months my depression was really bad. We dealt with so much together. Family loss, infertility, supporting each other through university. I thought this experience with the affair could be overcome, and it would make our marriage stronger. You go through a lot in 16 years - and now we basically can't talk anymore in a matter of a couple months. In my situation, there is no hope of getting back together, or getting over the affair. She is just not interested. I need to cut her out of my life, and move on. Maybe some day, she will feel regret, but for my to stop hurting, I needed to stop communication and block her out. After all, she doesn't deserve my friendship after what she did.

If there is one lesson I can take away from this experience, it is that a depressed spouse in a marriage can recover. I have an amazing support network, including my family doctor, friends, family, and some treatments for the depression. Despite what has happened, I feel great and am optimistic about the future - however I do think that my marriage didn't need to end and the problems were totally manageable. In the end, I will only see it as a tragedy.

I am 9 days into discovery. Unfortunately, tho he says he wants to save our marriage, he "can't remember" the details. Will he ever or has he "buried the details" forever?

Wow! Although I am very new to this entire process, I can SO identify with so many of the posts. I can take bits and pieces and put them all together to fit my circumstances. I am still in the tunnel of disbelief, sorrow, anguish and apprehension as to where this will end up. My faith has kept me strong, but I find myself weakening, especially when distrust enters time and again, mostly due to the indecision I see in him. He is SAYING he wants to stay and work, but does not seem committed to DO the work it will take to move forward. I do not expect an overnight change...I know it will take YEARS to rebuild what has been destroyed, but I know this will take outside help and work...hard work to ever be restored. The question has been asked, what do you get by staying? My prayer is that with help (God's and counseling) and a changed heart, we can have a better life than ever before. I am trying so hard to hold on to this.

I am a man who was betrayed. The betrayal is pretty recent. The discovery even more recent. And, worst of all, my wife doesn't seem to want to reconcile. And, as a Christian myself, I have asked the question that most are afraid to ask: "Where is God in all of this?" I have read the comments from the women who are betrayed, and they all seem to praise God for being there for them. I do not doubt that He was, nor do I really doubt that He is with me now. But, really, I feel a terrible sense of loss, and I have forgiven my wife...and I still love her, despite the damage, pain, anguish, and the work of healing we must endure now because of her betrayal. But, I have been asking where God is in all of this. I am so broken and so lost for any kind of footing...it seems, though God obviously knows about my situation, I feel He isn't doing anything to help it heal. At least all of you have a spouse that is willing to come back to the marriage after their betrayals. At this juncture, mine does not. It may be too early to tell for me right now...she may just be offering bluster...but I am having to forgive a spouse that may not want to be forgiven. This is like an amputation. Will I live? Yes.but I'd rather have my arm back...even if it is limited in it's ability to use. God will heal me...but I would rather have my wife back. Is ti so wrong to question God in this time? It is bad enough to have your emotions out of control, your manhood (or womanhood) stripped from you, self-worth reduced, your pain going straight to your bones...and now your faith is shaken. I feel betrayed by my wife...and yet trapped because I don't seem to trust God like I once did.

It has now been 7 years since my husband confessed that he had an affair, we struggled through 12 months of pain, poor advice, anger and hurt. Mostly trying to decide whether to remain in the marriage. Added with an alcohol problem, it was a very draining time, while he decided which women to stay with. It was very destructive. I then took our 2 young children and went back to my family. I spent 12 months with them. It was the best thing I did, giving us time to talk in a safe environment and to take the pressure off. I told him he had to make some decisions and changes before i would come back, if that was his choice. He visited frequently. I came back to our home with our 3rd child. Now 5 years after returning i am so glad that i tried and continued to walk through the process. Many of our friends did not understand how i could remain with him, but today the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Being willing to allow each other to move through the different steps is so important. My Dad gave me some advice that really helped. He said "Don't keep Him in a box, don't keep looking at him as unchangeable, allow him the grace to change." It is so hard when someone has hurt you and you loose your trust in them to accept that they have changed. Pretty words are not enough. There must be the fruit of repentance. A change in behaviour. Mostly now when i look back i see how much has changed but that is the privilege of hindsight, but you need time to see it. My biggest help came from God. He really is the only one who knows everything about your situation. So many issues came to light through out our process, for each of us many issues really had nothing to do with each other but pain from our pasts. Now i know that much of our success was because we were both willing to take the time and not give up. Willing to give time to each other, and to trust God to help us.

I am very fresh in this process.  Less than 10 weeks since my most recent discovery, however, this is one of many cheating instances we have gone through.   My partner has been cheating essentially since the day we met.     I have managed to forgive and move on each time until now.   This time the realization that he has a serious problem has hit me.  Everything I ever seen in him or believed about him has died and has to be rediscovered and rebuilt.   Some will never be the same.   Some will be better.   It is encouraging to read the posts and articles about so many people who have recovered and have better relationships.   For me, at this early stage, one of my biggest frustrations and sources of anger is his need to feel like things are ok.   They are not ok. They are far from ok.   While I desperately want to feel normal and I usually manage from day to day to act as though things are normal and to work hard at building new moments and memories,  he always manages to seem suprised and wounded when triggers occure or when I can't muster up the "feel good" "loving" attitude enough for his fragile security.   I resent that he put us here and yet I feel like it is my job to push the healing along as fast as possible so that he can feel safe and secure.    I also resent that he feels that because he is finally making an effort to learn why he does what he does that I should somehow feel miraculously better about what he has done or the lie our life now feels like to me.    

  My point in posting is to confirm that though time may heal all wounds, it is definitely what you do with the time that matters.   For those of us who have been cheated on,  it takes a LOT of time,  and a LOT of different milestones and trust building acts before we can begin to tear through the walls of anger and fear.   It is unfair to expect us to be the source of comfort and security for those who made choices to cheat in our relationships and it is unfair to expect us to maintain a constant loving spirit or sense of normalcy, no matter how much you want for us to be able to or want for us to believe in your again.   We NEED time to grieve and go through the stages of grief.   We NEED you to be strong enough to watch and feel us grieve and comfort us instead of wanting us to reassure you.   We know it takes two.  We know we have to forgive and move on.  We know we have to learn to believe in you and have faith in you.   But please please do NOT expect that to happen in the course of weeks, or even months.   We NEED To talk about it, face it, be angry about it and be sad over it, NOT to begin sweeping it under the rug days or weeks after it comes out into the open.

  We have dozens even hundreds of questions we need answered to help us come to terms and find understanding.  To know our roles and to also realize those things we never had control of.   I know that it is uncomfortable and painful to have the same discussions over and over.  I know that you cherish the good days between us and you don't want them to slip away and return to conflict and pain,  but you are chipping away at any foundation we will ever rebuild when you force our healing into overdrive just to make yourself comfortable.  When you feel warm and fuzzy that we have had a week straight of "normal" days, we may hurt inside because the source of our deepest pain feels like it is being avoided.   When you want to profess that you are a new and different person,  we most likely question the validity of that based on how willing or unwilling you have been to face what you have done.   If you are avoiding our pain,  it is very likely you are avoiding the truth about who and what you have been and that affects who you will be.   It's only logical that those things may also affect our ability to believe you will be anything different or whether we can be safe in a relationship with you or whether we must accept that your weaknesses may always require immediate comfort and or gratification from another person.   In short,  you have to build the foundation first if you want us to have faith in the security and stability of who you are.  

   I may be looking at this from the wrong perspective or maybe I am too freshly immersed in the deception and betrayal that rocked our world but I think there are others like me.  Who are weeks into the journey or even a year into the journey who feel this same frustration and sense of being caged in by our cheating spouses desperate and emotional neediness for us to heal and forget.    We read these articles that tell us rage is not the right response and that it all centers on forgiveness and we feel desperately trapped by it all.    I can not stress enough that time is of course specific to each individual but it is crucial not to rush it in those first few months to year.   Time is exactly what it is going to take.  Time and EFFORT,  not time and avoidance or time and insistance or time and pleading.   Time and EFFORT,  real proof of change, real proof of understanding.    And our needing that time does not indicate the incapacity to forgive or an unwillingness to forgive that you may want to believe it indicates.   It means we are human beings who need to grieve and that perhaps some of our cheating spouses are placing unrealistic expectations on us about how we are suppose to go about that.    And some of our spouses are being selfish in wanting to avoid the pain and the process in order to feel normal, comfortable and secure about themselves and their future.    I may be wrong but I do not believe that any amount of time will heal what has been broken when approached in that manner.