Affair Recovery

I was studying for a message the other day and stumbled upon a fantastic sermon. I didn’t catch his name, but I heard an analogy that was spot on for crisis and transition in life.

When in the birthing room, there are typically three key individuals in the room: the mother, the baby, and the midwife. In the process of birth, the baby comes to what they call the “point of transition,” or “the point of no return.” The baby is no longer in the womb, and but is not yet in the world. It’s a transition, but it’s a unique place. It’s this backdrop which creates the image of the three key players, or in this case, three stages we go through as a couple or an individual who is trying to heal.

The mother is consumed by the pain. Of course she is, it hurts like hell. She is...

If you’re like me, you hate transition or change. Actually, I love change when it benefits me, makes me more money, or brings some sort of blessing. What I hate is the time period where you are in-between where you were and where you want to be. It’s miserable, agonizing and will most certainly stretch you for all your worth. As my father-in-law says so well, “It will most certainly test your metal.” Consider the story from the book of Luke below….

22 Now on one of those days Jesus and His disciples got into a boat, and He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side of the lake.” So they launched out. 23 But as they were sailing along He fell asleep; and a fierce gale of wind descended on the lake, and they began to be...

Of course they are, is the harsh, straightforward answer.

The cold hard truth is, they are in an affair, and they are in their own mind, happier when they are with their affair partner. Most definitely they are comparing you to their affair partner.

However the fact is, you can’t win in this game. It’s destined for failure.

The reason you can’t win is you are competing with a fantasy, and in our own fantasies we get to play God. Both in life and in fantasies we can’t beat an all sovereign God and in the mind of an unfaithful spouse, they are typically captivated by the emotional or sexual component (or ‘hook’) that the affair partner has in them. They play God and design their own euphoria.

To compare a spouse who has other responsibilities and real life...

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is, yes, because you cannot have a relationship of that magnitude and simply turn it off.  It’s a process to break free. It will take strategy for sure and it will take rock solid commitment to the process. There will be ups and there will be downs, as there is when healing from any life changing event. However, it’s more than possible for your spouse to break free from the hold of their AP.

It’s been 8 years since our own F5 tornado touched down in our lives.  We call that D Day. For the first 6 months or so post disclosure, I played with my phone almost every day, all day out of habit. My AP and I texted all day every day and life after the affair was radically different. Samantha was not in a place to talk to me that often...

Navigating the process of recovery after infidelity is not for the faint of heart. There are some crucial dos and don’ts that need to be applied if there is any chance for success. Success in this cauldron of trauma is not just ‘moving on.’ It’s about finding hope, finding healing, and giving you and your spouse the best chance at restoration. Keep in mind restoration may happen now, one day in the future, or possibly never if they prove to be unsafe. I’ve put some thought into some universal needs that you may want to consider implementing in your recovery plan.

1. You’ll need courage. The future of your marriage and your family is definitely uncertain. Even if your spouse says they will do ‘whatever it takes,’ it’s easier said than done. When the rubber meets the road and...

It’s a common question I hear from spouses: can my spouse really change?

The easy answer is YES.

The harder answer is, if they want to and if you take the right steps.

The most difficult answer is, if they want to, and if you take the right steps, and there are no guarantees even if you do get the right help; but it’s probably worth the journey to find out before you end it.

I’ve seen very tough cases over the years, and I truly have seen change, breakthrough, and yes even miracles you’d have never thought possible.

But it almost never comes by doing the same thing over and over again. It usually requires a different approach and it usually requires the motivated spouse who is trying to see change, to take some either drastic or calculated steps...

Oddly enough, when my affair became public, I had an immense amount of internal anger. I didn’t know it yet, but it was there.  However, I didn’t dare express MY anger. After all, I was the unfaithful spouse.

My affair in large part (though of course not completely) was in direct result of anger I had towards Samantha, which had grown over the years. Sadly, my affair partner knew of my anger and it only fueled the affair in more ways than I can count. Unmet needs, physical rejection and disrespect all made a nice recipe for perceived rejection and my anger, though unprocessed, was off the chart.

Like most unfaithful spouses though, when the affair becomes public, we usually don’t address our anger. We are waiting for the storm and the chaos to blow over and settle...

I was talking to a gentleman the other day and sharing some experiences from the past, and I remembered a time I wanted to share with you all. It’s a bit of a difficult one, and will be controversial to some I’m quite sure, but I never said I wouldn’t be honest here. My hope is that my story and my pain may explain your spouse’s behavior, or give credence to what you may be fighting today.

Years into recovery, WE had relapsed and I was not happy with the way things were going. I felt like Samantha was retreating away from what she had agreed to work on, and I felt as though we were going backwards, fast. It was as though the new found dedication Samantha had to our marriage was nowhere to be found, and I had worked harder and harder to change and let the focus be on me. Add...

"If you weren’t so cold and unloving, I wouldn’t have had the affair,” he yelled.

“So now it’s MY fault you cheated and blew up our lives?!” she screamed back at him.

It happens time and time again. Almost all of you at some level could finish the dialogue above. It’s pitiful how many blame their affairs on their spouse, and many won’t take any responsibility for the marriage.

I love what Rick says: “The marriage is 50% your responsibility, 50% your spouse’s responsibility. The affair is 100% the unfaithful spouse’s responsibility.”

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there was a litany of things I could have done before I had an affair.   

Forever it will be my fault I had the affair, and forever it will be wrong. There’s just...

One of my favorite authors, Richard Rohr, uses a 12 step term called being “present.” To be present is “to know what you need to know in the moment. To be present is to allow the moment, the person, the idea or the situation to change you.” It’s the concept of “simple, clear and uncluttered presence.”

Now that my kids are getting older, I’ve been realizing just how much I wasn’t ‘present’ years before. From traveling, busyness and speaking engagements to just being overwhelmed with pressures and life, I wasn’t present often times. I certainly wasn’t present for Samantha in the least bit once life took off. I sincerely tried to be, but we can be sincere, well meaning, and at the same time just plain distracted and self- absorbed.

Lately though, I’ve been remembering the...

If there is one thing about the crisis of infidelity, it’s that life as we know it changes. Maintaining a “business as usual” approach to crisis is a mistake. The ‘usual’ of our lives has been shattered and at some level, though life and time refuse to stop, it becomes more surreal than we ever thought possible. It’s the betrayed spouse who is forced to wade through the layers of pain (and B.S. from the unfaithful spouse quite frankly) and seek to find some new ground zero. 

It’s not that I didn’t try to operate in a business as usual mentality when our lives were turned upside down. I yearned for some sense of normalcy to our lives, as I’m sure you do too, but it was gone. It was gone for quite a while now that I think of it. I see many couples try to treat it as though...

Rescue: to free from confinement, danger, or evil. 

I’m convinced, as is Samantha, my meltdown and the complete disintegration of our lives was a rescue. If you subscribe to Christ and a Christian worldview, it’s easy to believe it was God rescuing us. Should you subscribe to a different approach to life and an alternative worldview, you too would see the hand of fate reaching out to rescue us from where we were heading. Looking back, with each year that went by, we were picking up speed in the wrong direction and I had my foot on the gas.

Just yesterday I was taken by the fact that it really was our lives, and our marriage and our future being apprehended from where we could have ended up. More than likely another divorce and another broken family in the string of...

The writer of Ecclesiastes 3 makes some startling observations:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to...

Continuing our discussion on the gap between where we start recovery and where we want to end up, many have commented the last couple days about the gap they are in. Some have said it’s stretching them and even more have said it’s ripping them apart and some would even say it’s “serving its purpose.”

It’s one of those things which isn't fun, but very necessary. Well, it’s only necessary if you want to heal and if you want a more enriched life and marriage. It is possible to not have much of a gap at all, but after what I've been through, and helping the amount of others I've been fortunate enough to help, I’m convinced there has to be some amount of ‘gap’ in order to provide space for the process to work.

Here are a few more lessons Samantha and I learned in the Gap:...