Q&A Are We Trying to Recover Too Fast?

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The infidelity consisted mainly of transactional sex via dating sites that stems from some childhood trauma and other factors we are learning about together. Following disclosure, we spent several marathon sessions talking, sharing, and unpacking. These sessions never felt emotionally flooded, though there were intense emotions and we took many breaks, we kept a curious level headed communication style. My husband never showed an ounce of defensiveness, has continued to be forthcoming and patient when I ask questions, has demonstrated deep empathy, and is doing everything right to understand and heal his own wounds and to heal my pain and our marriage. I am deeply hurt but feel like we are truly doing well, and I haven't struggled much with intrusive thoughts or hypervigilance especially in recent weeks, though I certainly did at first. After disclosure we did seek therapy and we are currently in EMS Online. Sometimes I wonder if we are somehow missing something, like a student who finished their exam "too early." Poor metaphor since this is not a test, nor does it have checkboxes or an end! Neither of us feels that way, though, nor do we feel that we've rushed, minimized, or stuffed or intellectualized our feelings or the process. I'm curious if you have encountered couples like us and if so, what perspective you might offer.



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Same same

My husband and I are also in a very solid path having done Bootcamp, EMS Weekend, Beyond EMS, and Harboring Hope (me, week 10). D-Day was May 8th - just over 3 months ago, but our recovery has been very open, very civil, and very compassionate on both sides. We’ve not only done and are doing the work (I mean, it’s a lifetime commitment after all), but we have taken all the tools and lessons and apply them daily. We also have deep discussions every night instead of watching tv. We accept that the past can’t be changed, we confront the issues square on, and we have both given each other forgiveness and grace. When both sides do the work and are committed to the same goals, it doesn’t have to be an endless process. Best of luck to everyone.

Same Boat

Hi there. We are in the same boat. I often worry we are recovering too quickly and does that mean we are doing something wrong or not really processing. We were very lucky because my closest friend went through an affair discovery about 6 weeks before I discovered my husband’s affair. I probably discovered it because her situation made me more aware of my intuition that something was off. On the day I discovered my husband had been lying to me I called her and she said 1) you have to confront him and 2) you need to get on affairrecovery.com. I did confront him and he immediately said he wanted to make our marriage work so I said you need to get on this website and then we need to talk some more. The 20 mistakes of the unfaithful was eye opening for him so we were lucky that from day 1 we could begin to move into recovery. On day 2 or 3 we began boot camp. I think on my part there wasn’t much anger, just a ton of hurt. His empathy and distress over hurting me went a long way toward me moving forward. I think when people can truly be open to what it takes to move forward then the process can move along smoothly. We are just now starting EMS online so maybe this is premature, but I feel like we are doing pretty good for only being 2 months past D-Day. In fact I have a hard time finding articles and Q&A’s that apply to us. I’m glad you are both doing what it takes to recover and build a stronger marriage. Good luck!

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-D, Texas