Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

How do you respond to blackmail? Part II

Last newsletter I began to discuss problems and difficulties created by highly emotional people, (HEPs for short). I promised to make recommendations on how to respond and how to control those emotional outbursts that are harmful to self and others. I’m using the term HEP because this person could be the hurt spouse or the unfaithful spouse. As you read, please remember that trauma created by infidelity causes highly charged emotional states. Please be patient with those going through this …
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Thank you for this. I believe

Thank you for this. I believe this can help me a lot. I am both the hurt spouse and the unfaithful spouse. I can use these techniques to help myself and my husband. It has been over 3 years since the revelation but we are still experiencing some pain. Working through it all is taking longer than I ever expected, but I know that in order to get our marriage to a better place we have to be committed to putting in the work.

  Thank you for this.


Thank you for this. Although I´ve  given up trying to talk about the affair or how I feel to my unfaithful mate I can use the teqniques you describe to help myself out of the pit of dealing with my own love for and my own addiction to an unrepentent mate while determing wether to stay with a chronic liar, learn to live with it or leave for good. So, everytime he´s caught in his lies, or when I fall into my old pit of trying to connect to him and share with him the hurt I´m trying to process, only to find out yet again he still responds with feeling very sorry for himself, tries to blame others for what he did, still caught in big and small lies, avoidance, justifications, rationalisations and seems unable to show empahty for anyone else than himself ( unless when he is trying to maintain his image towards a third party or get what he wants with me)…..then I can soothe myself with       " All is well"  or try visualise my living room  kumquat orange :-) 

-And then….continue my journey of getting on with my life, a better future and sharing my hurts and feelings with God and safe people only. 


All is Well?

When he blows up, I'm to say to him "All is well?" He'll look at me like I've lost my mind and berate me even more. And I don't mean this in discussions about his affairs; I mean this regarding anything. He blows up so quickly over the slightest perceived injustice even when there is none, especially now that I know about the affairs (which he has yet to stop).

HEP - "You left the room. I stepped out for a minute and you're gone. Why did you leave the room?"
Betrayed - "To go to the bathroom."
HEP - "Without telling me?"
Betrayed - (pause, calming breath) "All is well."

That's just not going to work.

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-D, Texas