Q&A How Can I Continue to Establish Trust?

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Question: 

I found out about my husband’s affair with a subordinate/family friend 15 months ago. At the time he reported the affair was emotional and included sexting, but had not become physical and that he’d ended it. After the original D-day, I found out months later that it continued after the original discovery and was physical as well. I am embarrassed to say I found out about the continued affair by looking through his emails because I had a nagging feeling there was more to it. In the past I reacted very angrily, vocally, and was controlling, he also lost trust for me due to my snooping. I’ve done an incredible amount of work on myself as he is not willing to do so, and am working to make positive changes on my side of the street. We have stretches of forward progress and then take a few steps back, this has been going on for months. Recently after an evening out that involved drinking, I lost my temper and yelled terrible things about him and the AP, something I have not done since early discovery. I am so ashamed and terrified he will hold my words against me indefinitely, I’m so disappointed in myself. I do not plan to drink anytime soon as I never would have shared so freely sober. In my heart, I’m just so hurt and don’t understand why he can’t see this. I get so frustrated by his lack of trust in me, by his refusal to discuss the affair, while also insisting that the ups and downs stop. If he won’t talk about the affair or his feelings about our marriage, how do I continue to establish trust after setbacks and reaffirm that staying in our marriage is a positive decision to make?

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