Q&A How Do We Handle All of Life's Issues without Losing Focus of the Infidelity?

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Question: 

My husband and I are spending countless hours reading, talking, watching videos, working with counselors, etc. to heal from his 5 month affair. It's been 7 months from D-day and we've been able to uncover a lot of his low self-esteem issues, childhood abuse, narcissism, negative perceptions that were major contributing factors to him having an affair out of nowhere (started on a drunken bachelor weekend away) during a time that was seemingly a happy time in our 17 year marriage. I truly want to help him through all of that and help him become a better person. He really wants me to heal and I think this work will lead to that. My fear is that we often get off track from what he actually did when we spend so much time understanding. Talk of the affair often triggers his guilt and shame and shuts him down or enrages him. I feel I was "punished" for his childhood as he cheated on me not his mother or family of origin where these issues arose. How can we resolve what he actually did to me and how he chose to act out his inner demons in a way that truly hurt me while allowing him to tackle those demons?

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We are going through the

We are going through the exact same thing. If the person who submitted this question would be comfortable, I would really love to get a private message. I noticed this video was filmed 1 year ago so I am very curious as to what has been going on with addressing the issues/affair now. I am 4 months from DDAY and my husband is a MEM - Mother Enmeshed Male - with HUGE consequences to his well-being. Like your partner, he is working so very hard. We both are. However, I know exactly what you mean when you said you feel like you are being punished for other peoples abuse. All of my husbands projected anger, hatred, lies for 8 years and a 3 1/2 year affair was a result of his guilt and shame brought on by his mom. Instead of addressing it, he targeted me and destroyed his moral character. It's so very sad but I feel a huge sense of loss too since I was the target of all of this pain for things that happened to him before we even met. :(