Q&A Was it Really Love?

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We are 8 months out from discovery that my husband’s four-month affair was sexual…for two months prior to that I had thought it was only emotional. He ended the affair before I found out it was sexual. His affair partner continued to get in touch periodically after that and they last spoke 2.5 months ago. He initially blamed his affair on me and the deficits in our marriage, but recently he has started to say he created some fallacies in order to allow himself to continue. Nevertheless, he still holds fast to the “if I felt you had loved me, I wouldn’t have had an affair” belief. He also holds firm in that he thought we were “as good as divorced” at the time of his affair and that we would eventually divorce, even though we had no plans for that and I had asked for marriage counselling (which he refused) during the middle of his affair, which was still a secret from me at the time. He also now says that, although he knows cognitively that it must have been a fantasy and that it wasn’t real love, it felt like it and still feels like it was real. He is confused by that. He also doesn’t speak of his affair partner in negative terms at all, and in the beginning spoke of her very fondly. Due to work circumstances, he will be seeing her on an overseas trip soon and I am very concerned that if he feels it was real on a limbic level (hopefully I have that term correct) and he still has some justification going on in his head, that he is at high risk of falling back into it with her. He recently started Hope for Healing and I had hoped he might be one of those who realizes it was all false, but is it possible that it wasn’t and that he really loved her? Our therapist says there are people who are perfectly able to love more than one person at a time, but since he says he didn’t think about me and replaced me with her then perhaps this is the case, that it actually was real for that short time.



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