Q&A Is This a Deal Breaker?

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Question: 

Rick, When I discovered my husband’s 4 year affair 20 months ago, he told me that he was relieved. He was very remorseful and immediately ended his affair. He insisted he never contacted his AP again and it wasn’t that hard to give her up when you see your life flash before your eyes. He has always maintained his feelings for her were waning and the affair had run its course. He said he knew he wanted our marriage more than anything and didn’t want to lose his family. Even though he has lied and minimized the truth through our entire recovery, I believed this part of his story and hung onto those words like a lifeline. Four weeks ago, he admitted that he contacted the AP 5 times in the early months after D-Day, and they spent another night in a hotel room. He initiated the contact each time. This has affected me deeply because everything I believed about his commitment to me is no longer true. This additional betrayal has caused a palpable shift inside of me and I actually sense that my unconditional love tap, that was so prevalent for the last 20 mos., has shut off. I was hanging on to the belief that he was that man who made a big mistake; not a man who can never make the right choice. I believed he took responsibility for the fallout of the affair; not the guy who needed comfort because life became so difficult at home (a result of his devastating actions). I thought he was ‘that guy’ who woke up from his denial; not the one who remained entitled to anything he wanted. I thought he was now protecting me and our family; not sharing my recovery with his AP. I thought he was a man who lied to cover up shameful actions; not a liar, who does so with ease. He says life was so volatile after D-Day and he wasn’t equipped with the tools and understanding he has gained from our EMSO course. He finally told me the truth because he knew it was necessary for our healing. He maintains that he has not contacted her in well over a year. I understand that we have to give up hope of a better past, but my past keeps changing. This doesn't feel like love or commitment to me and I don't consider this a mistake. I think he clearly made a choice. I just don’t know how to reframe my thinking on this. It feels like a deal breaker. Can you help?

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This is incredibly insightful

This is incredibly insightful and massively helpful. I think I would be posting exactly the same in the same situation (one I do expect to find myself in) and its helpful to get the alternative view point. I paint my husband black an awful lot and I think that's skewing my current reality. Lots to think on.

What type of affair was it?

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