Q&A He Says I'm 50% Responsible for His Affair. Is That a Sign of Denial?

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Hi Rick, We are in EMSO and 3 months out from our final D-day when my husband finally terminated his affair. This is his second affair the first was 20 years ago, but was always denied - even though I knew. In our discussions about relapsing he has focused his comments mostly not on his affair, but on behaviours in our marriage. He considers that it is these behaviours that are responsible for his affair - ie our failure to talk/communicate at an intimate level. I agree wholeheartedly that our lack of intimate communication has caused a real dysfunction in our marriage. However when discussing relapse he told me that I was 50% responsible (that the affair occured because we didn't talk). He also stated that he viewed his AP as a symptom of our failure to communicate. I am feel that these comments indicate that he still not taking responsibility and that denial is still an issue for him. What are your thoughts and what is the best way to address this? Thank you - I so wish I had found your site 20 years ago, maybe we wouldn't be here again today.



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Thanks Rick, What i didn't

Thanks Rick, What i didn't say is that he is not taking responsibility for his first affair either. THis one according to him, was because we were living apart (we were apart temporarily due to my taking a job in a different part of the country). His veiw is that it never would have happened if we hadn't been apart and that this, my absence, was the cause. A very clear pattern of not taking full personal responsibility for his choices. I am very worried by his difficulty facing himself. He has always suffered from shame and feelings of unworthiness. I think that his shame gets in the way of him honestly assessing and admitting his own behaviours. Would hope for healing help him climb out of his shame and start to honestly look at himself?

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