Q&A How Can I Set Boundaries While my Spouse is Having an Affair?

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Question: 

My husband of 9.5 years had a two year affair. I found out on Valentine's Day and he has only been home for only 2 brief visits. He has been traveling and struggling to find new work during this time but just signed a new contract for work out of state. I am in the dark about much of the affair, but I think he may still be living with the AP. He says that he stays in the company hotel, but stays with her when he travels to her area. He has essentially abandoned me and my 16 year old stepdaughter –whom I helped raise. We were communicating and evaluating the opportunities and challenges for our marriage until recently. He pulled back and expressed that he needs time to figure himself out. That his actions and feelings are telling him that he does not have a burning desire to work on the marriage, that he can't be emotionally available to me, that he plans to continue seeing her, that he doesn't know if he wants a divorce and for me to do what I need to do. Recently, I asked him to do just one thing for us and he agreed. I booked the EMS weekend. He looked at it online and talked to an intake advisor. He is now reluctant about the group session nature, perceived lack of cultural diversity, and it being too soon. He has agreed to come home next week and have a professional help us decide what we should do next. Should that be our old marriage counselor, priest, or you? I feel we need to be at an infidelity specific place.

Second question:

How should I set boundaries and not enable? I am here devastated and taking care of the house, bills, debt, dog and my stepdaughter (out of love). None of our friends or family knows (only our priest, my counselor and one trusted friend that lives out of state). I carry the burden of those questions. I have been trying to protect him and us. Everyone thinks he's traveling for work. I feel used and wounded daily and we are clearly stuck. My priest has suggested stillness and silence. God has not revealed anything other than uncertainty and affairrecovey.com. Should I file for divorce? Should I offer an ultimatum? -EMS weekend or divorce- Should I cut off communication? Should I demand financial support? When I asked him to come to EMS weekend, he asked what would be the consequence if he didn't; I didn't have the heart to give an ultimatum. I simply said that we may not make it to the next one.

Thank You!

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