Q&A How Does a Betrayed Spouse Get past the Hurtful Words Said by the Wayward Spouse?

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Question: 

We are 6 months from D-Day #1 and have done EMSO. My wayward spouse has said many hurtful things that, while are the truth of how he feels and what he thought, they cut me pretty deeply and it is hard to overlook them so I can reach forgiveness. I am glad he was honest but his honesty even now hurts almost more than his affair. How do I forgive something that hurts me so deeply that he honestly feels about me not only during the affair but even now? He has stated that he did not want me. He wanted her until she broke it off with him. That he no intentions of staying in the relationship and he did not care about me until she broke it off. That he really did believed her to be better for him than I was and he believes she would have made him happier than I did. There is many more things that hurt, some worse than these, but he says he is being honest and wants to stay truthful with me. How do I let these very hurtful truths of his go so I can begin to forgive him if he still believes them and had she not broke up with him, he would have left me and didn’t care about me at all?

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This is my story too.

I watched this video hopefully but can’t say it’s enlightened me unfortunately. It is however helpful to me to know someone else is experiencing the same as I am, so I share my story in the hope it might help others too.

I’m now a year since D Day 2 which came just a few weeks after D Day 1, with my father’s death in the middle. I’ve done a lot of reading and also HH, but my husband has only done some individual counselling. He believes nothing can help him because his feelings are totally unique... He never loved me, never felt a spark, I’m not even his type, that kind of thing. A year on, he still stands by the hurtful things he’s said to me, but now he just refuses to discuss them. He says his ‘honesty’ hasn’t helped us and he wishes he’d just kept his affair secret. I’m glad he told me (I suspected anyway) but he’s right - his home truths have not helped me to heal and have caused immense distress. I wish that if he’d really felt that badly about me for so many years he’d told me BEFORE having an affair. I never forced him to marry me after all.

His behaviour towards me softened after about 10 months and I think his ‘fog’ is gradually lifting, but he’s still not completely out of it. He doesn’t seem to understand how badly I feel and he just wants me to forget about his affair so we can go back to how we were before. Part of me longs for that too, but the things he said to me are still so raw and painful that I keep flooding and I don’t know how to begin to forgive or move on. The other woman had to reject him before he somewhat grudgingly decided he wanted to stay with me! He still works with her though (including many trips away) and won’t acknowledge how hard that is for me. He just says I don’t need to worry as he won’t do it again! Oh that’s ok then... ;)

If we didn’t have kids together I don’t think I would be considering reconciliation after all the agony. I hope one day he will truly acknowledge the pain he has inflicted on me and our family. However, I’m not sure that attitude counts as ‘forgiveness’! I too am struggling with how to deal with the hurtful words which have shattered my self esteem and made me question everything - our history, my sense of security and self. I wish he would just say sorry, genuinely and beg for my forgiveness, whatever it takes. Maybe one day...

This is my story too.

I watched this video hopefully but can’t say it’s enlightened me unfortunately. It is however helpful to me to know someone else is experiencing the same as I am, so I share my story in the hope it might help others too.

I’m now a year since D Day 2 which came just a few weeks after D Day 1, with my father’s death in the middle. I’ve done a lot of reading and also HH, but my husband has only done some individual counselling. He believes nothing can help him because his feelings are totally unique... He never loved me, never felt a spark, I’m not even his type, that kind of thing. A year on, he still stands by the hurtful things he’s said to me, but now he just refuses to discuss them. He says his ‘honesty’ hasn’t helped us and he wishes he’d just kept his affair secret. I’m glad he told me (I suspected anyway) but he’s right - his home truths have not helped me to heal and have caused immense distress. I wish that if he’d really felt that badly about me for so many years he’d told me BEFORE having an affair. I never forced him to marry me after all.

His behaviour towards me softened after about 10 months and I think his ‘fog’ is gradually lifting, but he’s still not completely out of it. He doesn’t seem to understand how badly I feel and he just wants me to forget about his affair so we can go back to how we were before. Part of me longs for that too, but the things he said to me are still so raw and painful that I keep flooding and I don’t know how to begin to forgive or move on. The other woman had to reject him before he somewhat grudgingly decided he wanted to stay with me! He still works with her though (including many trips away) and won’t acknowledge how hard that is for me. He just says I don’t need to worry as he won’t do it again! Oh that’s ok then... ;)

If we didn’t have kids together I don’t think I would be considering reconciliation after all the agony. I hope one day he will truly acknowledge the pain he has inflicted on me and our family. However, I’m not sure that attitude counts as ‘forgiveness’! I too am struggling with how to deal with the hurtful words which have shattered my self esteem and made me question everything - our history, my sense of security and self. I wish he would just say sorry, genuinely and beg for my forgiveness, whatever it takes. Maybe one day...