Q&A How Does Sexual Imprinting in a Women during Her Teenage Years Impact Her Desire to Be Intimate in a Marriage Compared to with an Affair Partner?

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My wife was raped when she was 14. She is 42 now. We have been married for 12 years and have three kids. She enjoys sex with me and can have an orgasm very easily. However, she has said she struggles with being intimate with me prior to her affair and now after. More because of her motivation on why she would be intimate with me. She had a 12 month physical and emotional affair. We are 3 months since 2nd d-day and no contact. We attended EMS Weekend in July. Rick said that women who have been through this find it easier to be sexual outside of marrraige than inside marraige. My wife agreed as she said the sex with the affair partner didn’t mean anything whereas she wants sex to mean something with me and that’s why it’s hard now for her. This is hard for me as I want my wife to “want” me like she did her affair partner and I feel he got the good exciting sex with passion and I want her to be as sexually excited about me. How can we find healing for this area of our relationship when we are both committed she is in Hope for Healing and I’m in Harboring Hope. We both want each other and want a better marriage. I would like for her to be excited about me sexually and to have freedom in this area of her life and selfishly I want to have great sex with my wife and want her to want me more than the affair partner.



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I have been listening and

I have been listening and engrossed in AR for around a year and I can say for the first time I did not like this answer at all. The whole “there are different parts of us that want another spouse and ...” snd “ same with the affair partner.. there prob were parts of her that loved being in an affair with the affair partner” etc. and “it takes time to sort through all those parts”. What??? Seriously we have gone to ems and done every other part of this. The advice is usually so
Comforting and helpful. But this answer is honestly gobbledygook. I understand he is certified in another kind of therapy and family systems but his answer loses so much of what this whole program teaches.

My opinion

If a woman makes easier for someone like an AP or a random person to get her into bed and is more willing to have show excitement towards someone like that than she is towards her husband, that shows me that she is only focused on her own wants and needs and places them far above the needs of her husband. If you have already married her and established a life together then you have already given her more effort and meaning than the AP or anyone else she was willing to sleep with. If that is not enough to make sex meaningful then nothing will ever be enough to make it meaning to her enough to show excitement. All of that just tells me she is a very selfish person. Another thing that has stuck with me from reading about relationship issues is "it is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than it is to feel your way into a new way of acting". She needs to put some emphasis on her betrayed husband's needs before she can even think about her own at this point. She may be a rape victim but the husband didn't inflict that damage, she did however inflict major trauma on him with infidelity.

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