Q&A Why Did I Have an Affair? Was I My True Self During My Affair?

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Question: 

Hi Rick, I’ve been trying to figure out why I had an affair. I feel like I do and have expressed those to my husband. We’ve talked about them and the affair nonstop to the point where we’re so tired of it. My husband doesn't seem to accept the reasons. Like they aren't good enough or there should be more. Why is that? I feel like it’s impossible to satisfy him when it comes to why. He’s comparing things I did during the two month affair with now. He’s telling me it’ll be harder for him to get over my affair compared to tons of others because I was the woman and cheated and that he thinks I fell out of love with him during the affair. Is it possible to have an affair and do things with the AP and still somewhere inside be in love with your husband? Or by acting in ways with your affair partner that you may not have acted towards your husband at times such as me telling my AP things during the affair, like I would choose him, mean you fell completely out of love with your husband? I 100% know I want nothing more than to work it out with my husband. I 100% know I don't mean those things I said to my AP (even though I said them during the affair), but my husband believes that was me and I truly felt that way during that time.

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What if they say they always will love the ap?

I have no transparency but we are 4 months out since she wanted to divorce and be with him. I don't trust her, haven't come to feeling safe either. She has been doing cc with me since dec. I still see no shift to try to understand my hurt. With her words she says she doesn't say things she doesn't mean. So I have to ask then what about these letters? Is she still detoxing?

What if they say they always will love the ap?

I have no transparency but we are 4 months out since she wanted to divorce and be with him. I don't trust her, haven't come to feeling safe either. She has been doing cc with me since dec. I still see no shift to try to understand my hurt. With her words she says she doesn't say things she doesn't mean. So I have to ask then what about these letters? Is she still detoxing?