Rick's Q & A Call on April 15

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Dealing With Emotion

Hi Rick, Thank you for your response a few weeks back concerning the discouragement I was feeling over a super tough weekend we had had where I dealt with some major reminders. I really appreciate it! Fast forward a few weeks later to the weekend we just had, and I'm now dealing with the wreckage and fallout of some major emotion I had over the weekend. I'm a new mom and left my career to stay at home with my now sweet 7 month old Grace, but it is definitely a trying job at times and I'm finding that I feel like I wish I could take a week off! However, Grace doesn't bottle feed and to make a long story short I am only able to take up to 3 hour breaks at a time. This weekend I think I was feeling a lot of stress about that, and we went to church and I was feeling good yesterday, but then after I felt a huge crash and just felt really unloved by Steve. All the sudden a lot negative feelings about him completely overtook me. Last week we read each other our empathy letters, and in my letter (to me from him from me haha) I expressed some really deep things that I wish he would say of do or feel for me. I really hadn't brought some of those things up before and I for some reason thought all the sudden he'd "get it" and start treating me how I want to be treated. But no - nothing really changed at all this week and coupled with the burnt out and angry emotion I felt after church it just compiled up to a huge lash out and freak out from me. :( I am ashamed to say that I sometimes react in these out of control moments with feeling like not being here and I told Steve as much (specifically that I just basically wanted to die) and then I ran outside on a very rainy day in my socks, jeans, makeup and laid down in the sopping wet grass. I can't believe I did this. Then I came back in and just yelled and swore up a storm and it just kind of happened on and off the rest of the day. :( Today I feel back to normal (meaning, not feeling great but not feeling crazy either), yet am definitely left to deal with the wreckage I caused me and Steve. Wondering if you have thoughts on this. The chapter on reminder/emotion a few weeks ago was really helpful, but I am obviously a major work in progress here. Thank you again for your ministry, Kristal

Spouse can't make decision

I had 2 D days, if you will. The first was last May when he told me he was talking to someone he really liked. I started then to really work on the behaviors I had that were contributing to our problems, and he told me he stopped talking to her. Then, in September, I discovered it was a physical relationship and they were "in love." He told me then, in November, and again in January he would stop seeing her. He got a new job this month (they were coworkers), but I discovered a go phone he is using to communicate with her. I love my spouse and want to save our marriage. How long do I support his ambivalence? Is there ever a time for ultimatums? I feel in a constant state of paranoia and torture. This is beyond awful. I just need him to make a decision. Thank you!

Confused about Recovery

My husband and I participated in an EMS conference. At the time we were there, I still thought that he had not fully disclosed everything about the affair he had over 3 years before that lasted 6 months. He had told me that it was an emotional affair and that he had only kissed her once. 1 month later after EMS, I found out that I had a sexually transmitted disease. He finally confessed that they had sex, but only one time. Right before I found out about the affair he was talking to her on the phone for 3-4 hours a week, and was still seeing her one on one weekly. He told me that the one time they had sex was 3 months prior to discovery. My questions for you is - Once you have started having sex with your AP and you have totally disengaged emotionally and sexually from your spouse, is it really possible that you still see the AP for three months more without continuing to have sex with the them?

Two weeks later he rededicated himself to Jesus during a worship service. From that time on he supposedly came clean on other lies that have happened over our 33 years of marriage, some voluntarily and others I received only vague answers. In my heart, I believe that there is still more to many of the things I asked about. As we travel down this road of recovery, how important is it that he be completely honest about all the hurts and lies from the past with me and himself? What concerns me, is that he may not really be recovering, but moving on. Is this where I need to leave his recovery in God's hands?

His infidelity in unknown by any of our family and friends as far as I know.  Should I suggest that he needs an accountability partner besides me?  I don't want to shame him more, but something about all the secrecy around our problems makes me uncomfortable.

Thank you.

Starting over

Rick, My husband confessed to me this weekend that he has still be in personal contact via phone and internet with his affair partner when he was at work and he will probably lose his job over it. For the last 13 months he has been only going through the motions of recovery and ironically, I have always questioned his motives from the beginning. He seemed to do everything for me, said he didn't need healing, but that I did because he was the one who had hurt me. He has always been very defensive and agitated when I would try to talk about things with him. After his confession Saturday morning, I have seen a broken and humbled man, all of the behavior I had been wanting to see all along. He has talked with our EMSO group leader and confessed it all, wants to tell our group this week, confessed to our children, my parents and even stood before our entire packed church and confessed everything to them. He said he is willing to do "whatever it takes" and even though I do not trust him or his words, I want to give him the opportunity to "walk the walk" to do whatever it takes. I haven't fought everyday for the last 13 months for the life of our marriage to just quit now. My question is this.... What do I do? It has hit me that we are back to "ground zero" and I am understandably a little numb and shocked. I want his AP to know that he has confessed it all and that he is breaking it off completely. Should this be done? What should I expect to see from him? Do we start our EMSO class over? He believes he needs to start seeing our marriage counselor again (he quit going about the time his communication with the AP started back up) and has already reached out to a few men in our church. I want to hope but i am so scared right now. I am just going day by day right now. My mind is spinning and I need someone to help me make sense of it all and guide me right now.

What type of affair was it?

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