We are in MFL on wk 7 "freeze &withraw". We used to engage much more ie; lots of examples of find the bad guy and protest polka. Now I see us sliding into Freeze &withdraw much more, but yet we both seem to really want this relationship to continue. In MFL will we get to the skills that give hope. Yes, we are both shameful but when do we get to "tearing up the debts" (as I heard it so eloquently stated on the radio today?? I'm getting nervous that we are developing new dangerous patterns instead of new loving ones. What can I do in the meantime to stay hopeful and focused on my issues?

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and together for 24. We were High School sweethearts and currently have 2 awesome kids (9 and 11). 4 months ago I found out my wife was having a 6 month affair (2 month sexual and 4 month emotional) with her boss. I found out by reading her Email and in the email besides some VERY hurtful things was her telling him she needed to see if here marriage could be saved. From the discovery she was not sure if she wanted to do the work to save the marriage. She talked (and continues to) about her happiness and why she shouldn’t be able to be happy. From the beginning of discovery I sought out marriage counseling. She was reluctant to go but she did. As we went through the counseling however, she did not do the work the counselor suggested. During that time I also started going to a counselor to work on me. I have encouraged her to do the same (an exercise in futility). We have stopped going to marriage counseling about 3 weeks ago. She is still ambivalent not sure what she should do. She stopped working directly for him 3 months ago but occasionally will see him at a district office. She tells me she continues to have thoughts for him. She has thought about leaving but is struggling with how the kids would respond as well as our family and friends. She is sharing this pain with one other person (her work subordinate). I have 3 friends that I have talked to about this. Otherwise nobody knows. I have spent the last 4 months trying to process the pain inflicted on me. I know Christ is walking with me during this time and he has truly given me strength. In addition, I have taken this time to identify those areas where I can be a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. I know I cannot continue to push my pain aside for the sake of her. When should I say Enough! Thank you!

Hi Rick, I have several questions today. First I will give you a bit of background information because I am not sure if your anwers are dependent upon certain scenarios. My husband and I are about a year into recovery. We have been married almost seven years and he was unfaithful while we were dating and started engaging again in sexaul acts with co-workers when I became pregnant about 3 years into our marriage. His last affair was the only one that was long term and became emotionally involved as well. It lasted about 3 to 4 months. I discovered the last affair and through counseling my husband came clean about his past. That was about 3 months into seeing our therapist. We have both worked very hard towards recovery. I read everything on your website and talk about this with many people who are supportive. we also continue to see our therapist. The pain is still very much there for both my husband and myself. so I will continue with my questions. The information given to me by my husband came out in the ever so wonderful "installment plan" so it left me very unsettled for quite some time. Through all of this and all the coversations we have I still can't seem to remain rational when asking him questions. The pain and anger still floods me. It then creates a very tough situation for him to continue talking to me about the affairs. We have went over and over his thought process, his rationalizations, his past, his childhood, and many of the details that I probably now regret knowing. when I step back and don't take such a "personal" viewpoint I can find some understanding of why things happened. His story follows many of the patterns of others entangled in this behavior. However, when I am standing in my own world with my personal thoughts and experiences I still find this so difficult to truly understand because it is so irrational. Is it okay for me to surrender to the fact that I can accept what is being told to me by my husband, my therapist and all the great informaiton I read but personally it will never make sense to me and what I have been through? When should I stop asking my husband questions? How can I remain rational when I do ask him questions and I feel such pain? My husband would also like to know what he can do to diffuse the situation when I lose control while questioning him. Many times I have asked something and he has told me and it has caused a great deal of pain and then I go on to "why would you ever do that, it just seems so stupid." Many times he doesn't have a great answer for why he did a certain thing or didn't do a certain thing except for just plain stupidity. The further we go into recovery I think it is a little harder for him to even recall all the excuses and justifications he used because now he truly sees how flawed his thinking was and how self absorbed he was. My next questions pertains to the no contact rule with the ap. We still live in the same place where all his affairs occured. There is no contact with any of the affair partners but there is a chance that we could pass by one at some public social event or something of that nature. Is it possible for me to completey heal with that being the situation and does that break the no contact rule for my husband? We truly have no possibilty of moving and to tell you the truth I don't want to. Even if we did, we have many ties to our home and would be back frequently. Does everyone reconciling their marriage have to leave the place in which the affairs occured? Thank you for your help.

My wife and I saw you a few times this summer and we are currently completing your online EMS course. I have a question as to how best to stay accountable with my wife and how to become less "emotionally constipated" as you put it during one of our sessions. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Submitted for Anonymous

My husband and I are currently in the EMS Online course. My husband cheated with purpose and gusto from day one in our relationship. After 15 years with him, I finally got proof a year ago. • Here are some facts: • He has given me an STD • There were many women involved over 15 years two of which he “loved”; • He twists, evades, hides, still lies, blames me, minimizes, has a stunted ability to empathize, lacks empathy, has anger issues; can't be decent to me when he is unhappy, stressed, or angry. Rick, he still will not answer my questions as it is strongly recommended in EMSO. I feel I have the right to know every nook and cranny of these relationships with the other women. Anything I do that makes him feel bad, anytime I try to talk about the facts of the infidelity, if it makes him feel bad or ashamed I get blamed for that. I am very careful to talk about the behaviors and what has happened - not degrade him. But it doesn't matter - he gets angry with me, misplaced anger, when we try to discuss it. I am ready to give up and walk away. I see some signs that he has some empathy but it only happens when the course or I remind him he should be feeling empathy. Otherwise, there is no empathy - only a complete and chilling coldness towards my pain and grief. I am even beginning to think that as long as he is in my life, the healing will never take place because he will continue to hurt me. How do you know when to walk away? It has been a year yesterday when I found the first thread. Sorry for how long this is, but I don't know what to do or if there is hope with the continued denial, unwillingness or inability to just walk openly with me volunteering information, hearing his processing the affairs, where he has come from and where he is, the minimizing, hiding information, blaming me, anger misplaced at me when he feels guilty for what he has been doing. What advice can you offer? When does a spouse know when to walk away? Submitted for Anonymous

Hi Rick, My husband and I started EMO program back in July. We attended the intro call and the first week call. In which the first week he didn't do the homework. Then he got to busy at work to deal with our marriage crisis. We ended up quitting before we even started. This is nothing new to me.we did the same thing with H&H. He has betrayed me thru out our 20 year marriage with porn, strippers,emotional affairs and 2 oral sex partners. He even confessed to me that our first year of marriage he went out with the intentions of having an affair but nothing happened. I honestly have to say from that day on things between us were never the same again. I always felt in my heart he had a sexual encounter with another women that night. I even suspect a few more affairs but denies it. We don't discuss the affairs anymore. We cannot communicate. He can't seem to answer my questions he gets angry and blames me. He shows no empathy, no remorse at all. He has this attitude of " just get over it already". Why is it so hard to openly communicate for him to reveal freely on his own will. Rick, I feel until the whole truth is revealed we can heal, I just feel he is not ready to heal. When will this occur and how do I know he is being honest with me? My husband is a pathological lier, a compulsive lier. He lies about everything, even the littlest thing to the biggest thing. I don't know what to do anymore. He promises to make things better and doesn't comply. He makes promises he doesn't keep. I was just wondering if you had some suggestions on what to do next. Thank you for your time, Jessica