Rick's Q & A Call on April 28, 2014

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Actions vs. Words and Emotional Control

My husband had a lengthy emotional affair and short physical affair with an ex-girlfriend. (I knew about the emotional affair the whole time but I was told I was jealous, controlling, etc. when I voiced my displeasure with it.) Three days after discovering the physical part of the affair, we sat down and he told me everything. He cried when talking about his AP. In the past month since this he has made some steps towards making things better. He has not talked to his AP but she has not tried to contact him either, as her husband found out about everything too. He has agreed to do EMS online though we have not stared yet. He has been more helpful with our infant daughter and will answer my questions as long as he is not frustrated with me. All of which I greatly appreciate. A stumbling point that I am having is that he shows no emotion in regards to how hurt I am. He says he loves me and he doesn't like to see me hurting but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. This makes it hard for me to feel that he is really remorseful and contributes to me feeling very emotional, either good or bad. I'll be super happy to do something with him one minute but the second he doesn't seem greatful towards me or gets on my case about something I emotionally unleash. I know this is something I am prone to but he is hot tempered as well and then shuts me out which only makes me yell louder. I end up apologizing for being angry over and over. He has apologized a couple of times, in a very general sense, and doesn't believe he should have to say it again. He makes me feel like the bad guy for being angry with him. Two questions. 1) Is the a better way for us to remain calm with each other, even when not disgusting the affair? 2) Is it possible that he means what he says
, that he cares more about me than his AP and that it hurts him to see me hurting or do actions truly speak louder than words and I am just being lied to again?
Thank you for your time, Rick. I look forward to your insight.


Hi Rick,
We are about a year to the day from DDay. We attended EMS weekend, which was very helpful. He went to counseling for 9 months, which seemed more of a 'spiritual' counsel and didn't really delve into anything other than his 'sin' nature causing this affair. I continue to see my counselor. We haven't entered into couples counseling yet- its difficult to find anyone well-versed in infidelity where we live- but it is something we know we need to do. We've come a long way since DDay. Things lately have been pretty good. However, something continues to eat at me. Most of what I know about his 5 year long affair with a former coworker had been revealed though a secret email account I discovered and because I've asked questions over the course of months. He has never voluntarily 'told me the story' of his affair. Many questions I ask about specifics, ie: what he told himself to make it ok; what he was feelng; how often the met; where I was when he would meet her and where he told me he was; exactly when it began; where he met her the last time he was with her; what they talked about regarding me and regarding her husband and other questions are met with 'I don't remember'. He chalks the lack of memory to being able to compartmentalize during the affair. He keeps saying he may not ever remember details because he really packed it away in order to be able to cope with his guilt and shame. Will he ever be able to unpack that compartment and be completley transparent? Or is this him being evasive because of his guilt? I don't know whether to let it go and let it be...but it really bugs me that there are so many unanswered questions. I feel that I want to 'fill the holes" before I can really truly move forward. Will that ever happen? Or do I just accept that I won't ever know? Sometimes it just seems so unfair that he LIVED this secret life and can't seem to remember much of it and I - who had no clue this was going on- will never know the whole story. Thank you for your time, Rick.

What type of affair was it?

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