Q&A How Can We Create Safety When Talking about the Affair?

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Question: 

My husband had an 8 year affair, past 10 years of porn, masturbation our entire marriage and strip bars off and on a handful of times. All of this was discovered about 23 months ago with leaking along the way. During initial disclosure I divulged that I had a one night stand before we were engaged. Also disclosed a situation after we had been married 2 -3 years at a medical conference where I flirted with a doctor over the course of about 3 days and at one point exposed my breasts to him ( to show no tan line that he didn’t believe). There was no physical contact. My husband and I have been married 33 years now. We have done ems online and I am currently in harboring hope. 2 questions: first, my husband is still upset about what I disclosed. He calls my medical conference situation an emotional affair. I don’t feel like I was engaged emotionally but allow him to call it whatever he needs to. I feel it was a big flirt that could have ended up much worse and I’m glad it did not. What would the correct terminology be? My husband said if he had known at the time he probably would have divorced me. Lastly, I don’t know how to handle my comparison of each of our situations. Both of us are hurt due to the others choices; I understand that, but I get very frustrated when when we discuss them both and he sees mine as just as bad. It is hard not to see his that way...all the face time sex, her sex movies sent, etc. unfortunately it creates in me a wall between us...any suggestions on how to better handle these discussions? I am building up resentment that he gets so upset over mine when his had so many more components.

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