Q&A How Do I Ever Get Those Holidays, That Used to Be Our Holidays, Back?

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Question: 

It has been 10 months since our blowup on Christmas Eve and I still cry every day for what he has done. Then I found out he was intimate with two other women last year and he was still talking to several other women and sending them vile texts that I read and will never get out of my mind. I logged into his Facebook, Instagram, email, etc. I saw the pictures and read all the stuff he sent to them. I looked at his old phones to find out he was still sending texts to one of his liaisons from 25 years ago. I don't know how to ever get the words, pictures, and images out of my head that those conjured up. My husband has been working very hard to win me back but the sparkle is not there. He seems very happy about getting remarried and swears it will never happen again. But how do you believe that after 9 affairs that I know about. He says he knows what he has to do to not put himself in those situations and he is very happy to have me by his side 24/7. But I really want to believe that he has learned his lesson this time. Even as I type it, it sounds ridiculous. Why am I not running away? We have been married 30 years and were looking forward to our retirement in less than 10 years but I'm so afraid of being hurt again. The thoughts and everything are unbearable.

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