Q&A How Do I Know What to Believe?

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My unfaithful sex addict wife is working hard towards recovery, and I'm grateful. I'm hitting a block in my recovery work. It's hard enough to get over her multiple affair partners, the sex acts she did, the random faceless encounters she had, the sexting and on-line sex, and the long-term affair with a significant emotional entanglement. On top of all that, I'm struggling with comparison issues -- and that's where I'm getting really stuck. Before disclosure and after, she's told me things that make it very hard or even impossible to feel special. She's told me on several occasions that she prefers different anatomy than mine (I'm blessed with length; she's very bluntly told me she prefers girth). On a couple occasions she's tried to get me to kiss differently from how my heart and body naturally kiss. She used to make me feel special with how I pleased her sexually, but after D-day told me that her emotionally entangled AP did that for her as well. So, how do I accept it when she now says I'm "great" and there's nothing wrong with me? I can't change my anatomy, and I won't train myself to kiss like one of her AP's. She's trying to make me feel special as a person, and she's doing a TON to save our marriage; but as a lover I feel criticized, degraded, devalued. I feel compared, because I was -- and came up wanting in her estimation. It's not enough for me to be chosen for my character, or my loyalty, or my ability to provide financially, or her trust in me. Those are VERY important, but I feel like she's lying when she says I'm a great lover and "perfect," and she told me the truth when she told me what she REALLY wants in a lover. I don't want to be a great guy she has sex with sometimes. I want to be the great guy she chooses emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. That last part isn't everything, but I won't be her boring, insufficient, B- sexual choice. That'll just gut me over time.



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