Q&A Is It Ever Just Too Much to Get Past?

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After 36 years, my husband disclosed he’s been using pornography to masturbate during several periods throughout our marriage. He began before we met in X-rated movie theaters. He never mentioned it, despite our pre-marital conversations concerning infidelity and porn. Soon he began frequenting adult bookstores every 3-4 weeks to masturbate. [This is not addiction, as the behavior is not escalating in either frequency or type, and he refrains when there’s risk.] We then moved around in suburbia; each time, he’d go once, but stop, not risking his car being seen. Eventually, kids moved out. With no more risk at home, he used the Internet. I asked why: he said naked women and watching people having sex while he masturbates is an important part of his sexuality. I asked why he’s telling me now: he said it became all shame, no pleasure because of recent erectile dysfunction, and now he wants to save his soul. I asked why he’d married me: he said I was fun, the sex was good, and I’d be a good cover for him, as he desperately wanted to present himself as a man of integrity; but he never wanted me, loved me, or felt any connection. Now, however, he’s asking to build something together. How do I get past all the lies? Deceit? Hypocrisy? The way he way he’s treated me? Our families, friends, and women in general? Is it ever just too much to get past?



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