Q&A Why Did My Mate Continue to Repeat the Same Patterns with the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

My husband cheated on me 4 times. In 2007 when we were separated, she began texting him. We soon reconciled and he told her we were going to work on our marriage. He maintains all they did was text and talk on the phone at that time. On our D-Day, I discover that when he was at deer camp in 2012, she started texting him, he was drinking heavily and it progressed into him going to pick her up to “go for a drive and talk”. This transpired into sex in the backseat of our vehicle. The following year at deer camp she reached out again, he goes again. The next year, she doesn’t reach out so nothing happens. The year after that, she reached out again, he goes again - twice during that camp. Both times she reached out. He then admits that between our reconciliation and when it became physical, he would occasionally hear from her via text or phone call. He said it was always friendly and he would respond, not thinking much of it. He would delete it though because he knew I didn’t like her and he will do anything to avoid confrontation. His story is that after the first time, he stayed in communication to keep her quiet. If he ignored her, she would resort to threats. They never physically saw each other through the year. She would ask and he would put her off. He says he never felt anything for her and that his biggest fear was losing me. Why did he return every year then? I think keeping her quiet is a sad excuse for continuing to have sex with someone. So much of this is impossible for me to understand.

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My story

Thank you so much for answering my question. Just wanted to add to this to clarify some of the timeline. During 2007-2012, the texts were seldom, only here and there, just a quick “hi” after maybe running into him at the grocery store, etc. Telling him it was nice to see him, something like that. I also asked why he could turn her down during the year but not at deer camp - his answer was that when he was there he didn’t have to come home afterwards and during the year he would have. He also mentions that at deer camp they all drink pretty heavily while playing cards, etc. and that seemed to make it pretty easy.

My story

Thank you so much for answering my question. Just wanted to add to this to clarify some of the timeline. During 2007-2012, the texts were seldom, only here and there, just a quick “hi” after maybe running into him at the grocery store, etc. Telling him it was nice to see him, something like that. I also asked why he could turn her down during the year but not at deer camp - his answer was that when he was there he didn’t have to come home afterwards and during the year he would have. He also mentions that at deer camp they all drink pretty heavily while playing cards, etc. and that seemed to make it pretty easy.

My story

....and he also has not gone back to deer camp since discovery and will not ever be returning. He is signing up for hope for healing at the next registration as well.

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