Q&A Should I Try to Make Amends for My Part in the Failed Recovery?

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Question: 

I am a betrayed spouse. D-Day #1 was 8 months ago. D-day #2 was 6 months ago. We were together four years before D-Day #1. Her affair partner was from a previous relationship that was itself an affair. She was the AP then. He remains married. I thought our relationship was wonderful. That isn’t to say we didn’t have some problems. But we talked about and worked on them. Before D-Day #2 she said she wanted to spend her life with me and work this out. She promised to not talk to the AP. She promised no lies and openness. She did not keep her word. Our attempts at recovery failed. She said that my anger, badgering, repeated questions, anguish, and impatience with her was abuse. She called the police and repeated this. The police insisted I leave. We are negotiating a separation. I am now in HH. Her affair was a mix of "Having your cake and eating it too", and an "Emotional Affair”. I still love her. I remain in pain. It is quite overwhelming at times. I also doubt I will ever trust her again. I can imagine forgiveness, but I am not there yet. Though we are separated, I want to own my mistakes and demonstrate responsibility for them. We barely talk. Should I make amends for my part in the failed recovery? If so, how? Should I try to make amends for my part in our failures before D-day #1? If so, how?

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Thank-you. This helped me

I followed this advice. It helped me feel that at least I was accountable for my actions and responses. Excruciating pain and terror are better descriptions than 'intense pain'.

I learned that my wife felt psychological and emotional fear when I confronted her on D-day 2. To her eyes my emotions kept varying and cycling. The emotional pain and fear she experienced convinced her to give up. We weren't worth it for her. That reveals how much she was actually committed to us as a couple. And that isn't enough for me. I don't think she gets how painful her affair and continued lying were. Maybe she never will.

I can say I owned what I know of my contribution to our failed recovery and pre-affair relationship. That won't save us. Somehow I thought it might.