Q&A What Do I Do about My Spouse Refusing to See His Affair Partner Negatively?

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What do you do when your unfaithful spouse refuses to see the affair partner in a negative light? They have cut off all contact and he feels that should be enough. But every time I bring her up, he shuts down. Or he’ll spew out generic facts about her and then add a disclaimer of how she was good. (I.e. Bad in bed but have good oral sex). 
Every major setback we've had in this six month recovery has come from his refusal to speak about feelings for her (past or present) and his refusal to speak of her negatively. 
I have literally asked him to say it as, “I used to think this, but now I think  or feel this”. 
I need to feel safe that he has no more feelings or attractions towards her.



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Thank you! Your response

Thank you! Your response makes sense and matches what my husband has tried to explain. He says he doesn't want to focus on her because he was the one who did wrong. He is trying to own all the behavior and even though she was extremely manipulative and conniving he doesn't want to focus on that but what he did wrong. And in hearing you say it seems like a positive and not as a defensive of her as I was hearing it.

And yes my husband feels great shame and guilt which can be debilitating!