Q&A What Safe Questions Can I Ask to Regain Our Openness but without Causing Me Pain?

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Question: 

My husband was involved in a 15 month emotionally entangled affair which he told me about 2 months into it. The rest of the time he was ambivalent until he finally decided quit his job and choose his marriage. The Affair Recovery resources were a big help. (He's also in hope for healing now). During those months I often asked where he was at in his thinking (and did many of the common mistakes of trying to convince him this was a bad idea, etc.) and the answers he would give were so hurtful (that he didn't have feelings for me; he cared about her so much, etc.). I want to build our intimacy by being open and honest with each other (we've historically had a very open marriage, it's been 12 years) but now I don't know what to ask. I don't want to know how much he still thinks of her or misses her. Also, do the questions I ask change over time? We are 2 months since the last of many d-days.

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