I have asked the question to my fourth therapist and still no answer except "look in the front view mirror", not rear viw. Oh, and did I mention this is a repeated affair after the first one where the therapist focused on communication/marriage and we left happily.
Also, all these therapists had "affair recovery" in their qualifications.
I, too, feel that suddenly my husband can blame me for reacting to his withdrawl during an affair because he had an affair. I have refused to even talk about problems that did not exist BEFORE the two affairs. The person that is the new me, is a result of the affair and HE needs to learn how to deal with it. I have set new boundaries for myself and call him out every time he gives me a silent treatment, doesn't walk next to me, etc.