Q&A Why Do I Do about My Thoughts during Sex?

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My husband's affair was with a girl 17 years younger than him, 15 years younger than me. After the emotional affair was discovered by her husband we began recovery work, did many seminars, read all the books, saw counselors, did EMDR & more. We had tons of hysterical bonding sex. I was very in the moment, in to my husband, desiring sex often, and enjoying him very much. Eight months later the affair partner contacted me and told me the real story. They were in love, he wanted to leave me and have babies with her (I'm infertile.) They had had every type of sex possible in every position and place you could have it. They tried bondage, watched porn together. They left no stone unturned. All encounters were 100% unprotected despite her being very young and fertile with two babies at home. Since D-Day two, something has gone terribly wrong in my head with sex. I can't enjoy it any more unless I imagine that I'm her, or imagine her being there forced to watch, pretend I'm a prostitute and other worse, filthy fantasies. What in the world is wrong with me? I am so ashamed to have these thoughts, but without them I can't perform, climax or feel anything. I can't kiss my husband any more, either. It feels wrong, even sickening, since he trashed our oneness and gave his love and body to her. I am ashamed to be married to him and no longer feel married. I put away my rings and wear a plain black band to keep single men away. I do love my husband, and we are trying to stay together and heal through EMSO, MFL & HH and more. There has been great improvement in our relationship in many areas, but sexually things seem to be getting worse day by day. Why am I thinking sick, detestable thoughts during sex? Is this normal, and how can I stop?



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The real story

Of course the AP didn’t give you the real story but the story she wanted you to believe - just like the AP in my life, she thought ‘the truth’ would make you kick him out into her arms - ie she knew she was fighting a bond she needed more weapons to attack - that his ‘being in love’ wasn’t enough. Accept this and that you are enough just as you are, and when you get intrusive thoughts recognize you are putting your life in her hands so stop. Better not to have sex at all or wait for it to happen joyfully however long that takes?

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