Q&A Who's Responsible?

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Question: 

I want to thank you, Samuel and the rest of the AR team for all you do. I am beyond grateful. I do have concerns with the discussions regarding the unfaithful being vulnerable to an affair and the betrayed needing to own making the marriage vulnerable. I believe both parties have part in the vulnerabilities however, I see issues with the focus of these vulnerabilities being on the betrayed spouse. I also believe, most often, BOTH parties are not getting their needs met and are lonely and dissatisfied in the marriage. The same couple in the same marriage and one cheats and the other doesn't. It's not just a matter of opportunity. The person's character matters too. The betrayed AND the unfaithful made the marriage vulnerable to an affair for themselves as well as for their spouse THEN the unfaithful cheated and the betrayed did not. The unfaithful have ownership for the state of the marriage before the affair too. Meaning they BOTH created an unhealthy cycle together and neither were getting their needs met. The fact the betrayed did not turn to someone else says so much about that person that is never addressed in recovery. Additionally they are labeled as making the other person vulnerable. Why are they to carry the focus of burden when they had better character and integrity in keeping their vows even in the "worst" in the same struggling marriage?

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Comment

Vengeance is not why some have affairs. Not all who have affairs have bad character either. I am bothered by this. Some are broken. Through this journey they are finding how they are damaged people and maybe that is why they made this choice. Saying they have bad character make them feel bad when reality thats probably how they were always treated. Nothing they did was right. It just feels like there is a lot of judgement on the unfaithful and I feel like it can be unfair. The betrayed is is not exempt. Not all stories are the same. Not all people are the same.

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