Q&A Can the Unfaithful Really Not Have an Answer to the 'Why'?

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Question: 

I’m having a problem moving forward because of all of the romantic things my husband said to his AP. When I ask him what made him want to have an affair and tell this woman all the loving words, straight out of a harlequin romance and what made him call her loving names, he says “I don’t know”. I never got the romance from him in those 29 years and never called the endearing names he called her. I’m an affectionate person and he never was. At least not until her. He said he doesn’t know why he got involved with another woman or what made him say those things to her, even promising her a future. He said he never loved her & never planned on leaving me. How can I move forward if he doesn’t know why he was able to give her all of this romance that he never gave me? He gives it to me now, but why not before? I feel like I got her left overs. Is it possible he really doesn’t know why?

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This remains an incredibly

This remains an incredibly important question for me almost one year later and one I realize I will never have answered. I just finished reading “Not Just Friends” - which I highly recommend - in it, she describes a technique she uses to help with this. Instead of having the unfaithful say why, ask him/her to say why not. For example, they didn’t do it because they didn’t love you, they didn’t do it because you were too heavy/thin/tall/ etc. So in the end, why isn’t answered, but there is some additional relief to the betrayed. I really appreciated that suggestion.

I keep thinking if he knows why, then.....

I keep thinking if he knows why he had an affair, it will help to prevent a new affair. If he can see for himself why he got to the place where he could have an affair, then he can figure out how to avoid those things in the future.

What type of affair was it?

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