Q&A Can You Help Me Understand What Happened?

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Question: 

My husband of 28 years had seven years’ emotional affair with a coworker. D-day was 11 months ago, we’ve completed EMSO and started MFL. At the beginning of our relationship my husband told me about previous girlfriend and female friend that never existed, which I found out recently. He isn’t able to give me explanation why he fabricated such stories back then. From that context, I found his affair confusing. His AP sent him a lot of pictures of presents, she would give him “if she only could”, never real ones. They spent hours online choosing luxury clothes to her, which she never bought, but instead dressed very commonly. My husband also used hours to comfort her with her boyfriend problems and challenges to get pregnant. However, this boyfriend never really existed, which we found out later. He supported her with her numerous unusual health issues such as electricity allergy, which many could describe as imaginary. They had conventional affair activities too, like restaurant dates, but I found this remarkable imaginary part confusing and weird. During this seven years’ affair my husband refused to have sex with me completely. You can imagine my pain thinking that my rational husband traded a normal, happy married life and intimacy to… something so strange. We aren’t able to discuss about it, he either gets mad or says I’m absurd with my suspicions, and I found their imaginary activities similarly absurd.

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Thank you for this answer, I

Thank you for this answer, I see and feel that you truly want to help. However, I found this hard to absorb. I’ve listened it many times, and really tried hard to understand, and still found it challenging, perhaps due to my intense pain. I mentioned that my husband refused to have normal, physical sex with me during that affair, which alone is traumatizing. To be the woman who is unwanted even by his own husband. To find out that the activity that replaced me, was imaginary presents and choosing women’s clothes online night in nights out, is overwhelming painful. Should I just accept that he just happens to have had these kind of needs, and get over it?