Q&A How Can I Get My Mate to Create Safety?

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Question: 

I have been struggling with feeling like there is a safe place for me to share my concerns and thoughts the past few weeks. When I bring up something that I feel I need to make me feel safe, instead of feeling like my spouse is open to the idea and wants to do it for “us”, it’s turned around into me feeling like I am forcing him to do something he doesn’t want too. Which makes me feel uncomfortable even asking. His cell phone was a main enabling mechanism for him to reach out to his AP, unfortunately early in discovery we deleted her cell phone number before blocking it. So there is always the possibility of her reaching out at any time, call or text, to reconnect. This is something that keeps me up at night as I worry that if this happens it’s too easy for him to delete this without me knowing as he is still on his parents cell phone plan, do I have no access to his phone records as a safety check. We have discussed the importance of him switching to his own plan to create a safer space but that has not happened yet. I also feel that it would really help me rest easier if he also changes his number when we go this to fully close that door behind us. When I bring this up I am met with anger and resistance since he’s had it for 15 years. My argument is it shouldn’t matter since anyone who needs his number can easily be contacted and given the updated contact information with ease, I’ve done this numerous times, and feel in the long run it will only help keep us safe and honest and prevent that mode of reconnection. I feel like I’m crazy for thinking this. I don’t want to push him away or cause him to feel the need to relapse, but also feel I should be able to feel like I can share my feelings with hopes of them being received in a positive manner.

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