Q&A How can I Manage my Anger in a Healthy Way?

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My husband of 45 years had a 19 month long affair with a woman 20 years younger than himself which ended December 2012. I love him dearly and want to save our marriage but am struggling.

He says that, although he thought he loved her then, he now believes it was simply a justification. If he loved her, the affair was more acceptable in his eyes. He says he has not missed her since it ended and he has certainly showed no evidence of missing her. We tried couples counseling but didn't feel it helped. However, one thing the counselor did say was that she was surprised I showed so little anger. I believe that I was in shock and the only feeling I was aware of was unbearable pain. But for some time now I have indeed felt dreadful anger and still great pain.

My husband says he has always loved me and wants our marriage to continue. He has certainly done his best to change and for the first time in 40 plus years is genuinely willing to discuss things with me and empathize with me. However, I seem to be unable to move on and let go of my hurt and anger and I fear that he may stop trying soon.

I believe that one reason I am afraid to move on is because he had a 6 week affair 38 years ago. I foolishly believed that seeing my pain and devastation would stop him from doing it again and I felt safe. He admitted to me that the costs of the first affair didn't even cross his mind as he embarked on his second one because it was a long time ago.

How do I work through my anger without causing more damage to our marriage and how can I trust his promises when previous ones meant nothing to him?



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