Q&A How Can I Trust Someone Who Has Manipulated Me So Much?

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My husband and I have been married 40+ years. About two and a half years ago he had a 6 month affair. We immediately separated, he went to live with her and then left and wanted to try to reconcile with me. The problem is that he has trickle truthed me for 22 months. Recently I found out he was so proud of his relationship with her at the time that he confided in the town gossip and his female best friend (encouraged him). I was under the impression that we had kept this private and now I feel so violated, soul raped. I asked numerous times "who knows about this?" to which he replied that nobody knew. He told me that he didn't want to lose me and knew how private I was about my life and he knew I would be devastated by everyone who knew about the affair while it was happening so he withheld this info. How do I overcome the humiliation, the grief and pain of knowing I have been stripped and made a public spectacle and that my husband has manipulated me again? Is the continual covering the truth a sure sign that it is time to file for divorce? How do you ever overcome and trust someone like this? Everything he has "disclosed" is now suspect, and I am back to square one.



RL_Media Type: 

Manipulation and lies

Hi Rick. Before this question was answered by you I got further disclosure that has devastated me. He has had three affairs at the beginning of our marriage and a 20 year off and on physical and eventually emotional affair. When she got divorced, he stopped having sex with her but continued the conversations because he truly enjoyed her ego stroking and her constant praise of everything and anything he said I did not support. She encouraged his 6 month affair and helped him with information about divorce. He ended the "friendship" because upon discovery of his last affair I told him he could not have any female acquaintances if he even wanted to have a chance with me. I did not know the truth about them then. She was very upset that he was trying to return to me and that he was even listening to me but he did not relent and told her he would not be calling her and she should never call him either. I have gone through all that time of pain and was beginning to see a ray of sunlight and now I feel like the pit of hell opened up and swallowed me whole. The grief is unbelievable and I know I don't want to go through the effort it would take to get all the truth. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. This made me realize how little he thought of me, how disdainful he was of me and how naïve I was. She was the wife and I was the mother. What did he need me for? But, it has given me a new sense of the need to be set free to be whoever I am, should have been, and will be in the future. I have nothing to lose.....I never had it to begin with. Tears............

I'm so sorry for the pain you

I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel.

I too have had a lifetime of betrayal. 28+ years with a man who was never faithful.

It's a whirlwind of emotions I don't even know how to identify. Still getting new revelations of his behaviors during our marriage, during times when I was broken, begging for him to reassure me, etc.

All the while never a slowdown in his cheating. Many, many confrontations about my insecurities, suspicions, fears. No regard for my heart, our marriage, our children.

It's devastating. I pray you find peace and forgiveness. I'm working towards it.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas