Q&A How Can We Create Safety During Military Deployment?

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Question: 

My husband is in the military and was deployed around a year to various locations around the world for 5 years. He had multiple one night stands plus a pornography issue. It has been 6 months since full disclosure and we are one week 9 of EMS Online. We are both christians and my husband is very remorseful for his actions and your program has given us the right information to navigate through this process. I have heard it said that you will be able to see that your spouse is becoming distant if they are relapsing. I am concerned that with future deployments I will not be able to spot the distance because we are apart. Should we do polygraphs after each deployment or long separation? I want to trust again but I know infidelity is the keeping of secrets and my husband is an addict. If he were to relapse then I fear that he might revert back to secrecy and that I will never know due to long separations.

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Some things that work for us

Hi, I too am dealing with situations similar to yours. My UH was in the army for 32 years and did multiple deployments. He’s now a contractor in Afghanistan so I thought I’d share some things that have been helping us. Believe me, I know how difficult it is due to the secrecy of their jobs. One of the first things we did was both of us use iPhones and I’m able to check anything I want on his phone or tablet. I have full access to his email accounts (including his work email). We FaceTime twice a day and although I know that can be difficult with active duty, and the conms blackouts, I think if he shares with his command the reason the communications are so important right now they will understand and even be helpful. I don’t know what rank your husband is but be careful sharing too much information so he doesn’t get in to trouble for adulterous actions unless his command already knows about it and has dealt with it. Another resource is your unit chaplain. They will help with keeping communication open. I implore you to take advantage of the couples retreats your chaplain does before and after deployments whether you and your UH are religious or not, these retreats are helpful in so many ways. Unfortunately en thinkstatistics say that military couples have an 80% higher divorce rate but I think it’s because the army changes the way most men think, they are trained to hide emotion, no pda while in uniform (which let’s face it, they are in uniform more often than not and that leads to unhealthy ideas of intimacy), they are trained not to be seen as weak. These are not to be used as excuses or justification, just a bit of what they have been trained to do. If you don’t mind sharing how long you’ve been married, how much of that tine has he been military, and what rank he is I can certainly give you more ideas. Please feel free to private message me. I haven’t found many other wives experiencing the same things I am so I’d love to chat. Praying for our healing.

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