Q&A How Can We Reconnect While Living Apart?

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I am requesting suggestions for reconnecting when we live in separate states for work. I asked for separation in 2014 when I found my spouse was unfaithful. His job took him to the new state 6 months later and the children and I did not follow- he'd made NO attempts at reconciliation at that point preferring instead to avoid me like the plague, I'd started a new job that I did not want to leave because I didn't feel secure depending on him and it was the middle of the academic year for the children. He visits every 1-3 weeks for 2-4 days and 2 weeks of vacation time annually. After the most recent affair, I don't trust him at all and can't stand the thought of him living in the space where he cheated on and betrayed me, yet, I don't want him in my space, either. We are emotionally disconnected and I'm scared to be with him but I know that in order to rebuild trust at some point in the future will require a higher level of emotional connectedness outside of the pain and trauma that I feel. I've started counseling to help me through this ordeal but do not know how to connect with the stranger that I'm married to when all that I want to do is scream at him. 1st D-Day for this latest affair was Oct 2018, second Nov 2018



RL_Media Type: 

Living apart

Your timeline and experience is quite similar to ours. The first D-day was October 2018 and the last was 22 November 2018. We have bee living apart since September 2018 when I left our farm for the city for a great job that would help pay the bills during a severe drought. My son who is also in the city needed me as he was going through mental health issues. To be landed with disclosure during this time has been horrible to say the least. But we recognise that we need to be together to fix this. Every time we are together we can eventually reconnect. But when we are apart the doubts, flooding and insecurity arises in me. We have rented out the farm sent cattle off to market and finished harvesting and he will be back in the city in a few weeks. But we have similar issues to yours in terms of where to reside. We’ve decided to rent somewhere new in the city so we can make a fresh start. Maybe you could suggest something similar. I believe it’s up to the unfaithful to make the sacrifice to move as they need to fix what they broke. I see it as a demonstration that my husband is willing to do whatever it takes to restore the marriage and heal himself.
All the best

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