Q&A How Could Sex Mean Something with Me When My Mate Still Wanted It with Someone Else?

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I am 15 months past discovery of my husband's year long affair that was many years ago. We completed EMS Weekend and Harboring Hope. He has great empathy and has done significant work to understand what happened and is nothing like the man he was then. He is very comforting and supportive to me in my pain. During the affair, my husband went back and forth between me and his affair partner having sex and experiencing other sexual interactions. He described sexual acts with her as being hurried and without foreplay or cuddling. He states sex with her was not meaningful and sex with me was always meaningful, even during his affair. I don't understand how this is possible and it feels like he just saw me as an interchangeable body - a means to an end. I feel used and worthless. I assume he was comparing us without my knowledge every time I undressed or he touched me. He swears he never compared us. I feel that he must have preferred everything about her, and maybe even felt disgusted by me, in order to go to the lengths required to carry on his affair. I don’t know why he bothered to have sex with me if he was getting what he wanted elsewhere. How could sex with me have meant anything to him at all if he continued to want it with someone else all along? I want to believe him on these things as I think it would help me heal.



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