To the dear husband, I can speak to your situation because I'm a wife who had a same-sex affair.

I believe that having a male-wired brain perhaps causes you to be blind to the explanation of the situation. Men have affairs because they want sex and respect and are likely not getting it in their marriage. Simple, no? Well, women have affairs because they want to be loved and experience emotional intimacy and connection and are likely not getting it in their marriage, also simple. So, like men, women choose to go outside the marriage.

Depending on her childhood (and kind of abuse) she experienced will have a heavy influence on whether she goes to a man or a women. It's that simple. I was abused by my brother who forced me to give him oral sex and I formed a pattern of thinking in my mind that said "men are selfish and will do anything to get personal sexual satisfaction at the expense of innocent women". So, I developed my own sexual identity physically as a female but mentally as a male, protecting and providing for women. Over time, I developed relationships where I played the more "male" role, eventually leading to homosexual relationships even though I'm a born-again believer, saved by Jesus Christ and know that living in homosexual lifestyle is a sin and does not end in eternal life with God. What happens is that when women are offered love and emotional intimacy with other women, it naturally leads to physical and sexual intimacy just as it does with men. A man who can be emotionally intimate with his wife won't even see her go anywhere but to him!

I think that's why your wife says it has nothing to do with gender, because it doesn't. It has to do with emotional connection. She isn't connected to you if you're in your man cave, watching sports, not sharing your heart and thoughts with her, not helping her around the house, not leading spiritually, not caring for her heart, etc. Some women get emotionally dependent on their kids - it's not any healthier for her but it's such an obvious breach of one of the 10 commandments and it's not frowned on in society so no one says much... but many husbands have unmet needs in turn... and the cycle can go on!

I truly pray that you are able to swallow you pride and hear my thoughts with humility and that my perspective has helped in some way. Even if my story isn't the same as you wife's, Satan still has the same agenda for her, you me and my husband: STEAL, KILL & DESTROY. So, I encourage you to be a courageous man and walk through the trauma you AND your wife have experienced together, loving her as Christ loved the church (which means sacrificially, yep, it's gonna cost you more than you deserve in this life for sure). It's likely that she wants out so desperately but has an actual addiction (like to alcohol) to emotional dependency that she isn't aware of (that was my case).