Q&A How Do I Combat My Feelings toward the Unremorseful Affair Partner?

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Hi Rick, I’m embarrassed to admit; my husband and I are both the betrayers in our love story. Mine was first with a guy I knew from college. Chris and I are childhood sweethearts, having been together since I was 14 he was 15, married at 20. My affair was VERY superficial on my end. Pure escapism and nothing else. My biggest regret. We are truly poster children for why recovery work is so pivotal! No matter how hard or embarrassing it feels, sweeping it under the rug is a recipe for disaster later. 6 years later he chose to have a 4 month affair with his co-worker while wrapping up work in D.C. The fact that we have both been in each other’s shoes has actually been healing as our reasoning and views of our AP’s are virtually identical. An analogy we toss around frequently: “they were the needle not the drug.” Still I’m REALLY struggling with being like Jonah on the hill waiting for God to exact punishment on her! I know that makes me hypocritical. I’ve also developed a bad habit of occasionally looking her up on Facebook - sure enough there she is traveling, still wearing her fake mask while going on missions trips and seemingly living life as if nothing happened. She’s been acting as if she’s the victim of a ‘bad break up’ with my husband! Help me combat these feelings of her being so unremorseful. Do all unmarried AP’s get away with murder?



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justice in the universe?

I have been struggling with the same thing. The AP has been telling anyone who will listen that she was victimized and manipulated by a "predatory older man", her literal words, yet in private will then send text messages asking why they can't work together or be friends anymore. She will also do things to poke at us like show up places we've asked her not to out of respect for our marriage and our commitment to recovery. She has taken no responsibility for her part in the affair (ex. getting pregnant on purpose to break up our marriage) and continues with this victim narrative every chance she gets. Her hypocrisy kills me! We have mutual friends but I have remained silent about what I know about her and it takes every ounce of self control that I have not to out all her toxic/crazy behavior.

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