Q&A How Do I Help My Wife Move past the Offense of My Betrayal and into Healing?

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Question: 

We are almost at the 1 year mark past D-day and no contact with the affair partner after a 6 week affair with a coworker. We are beginning the 13th week of EMS Online and I have begun Hope for Healing. We have been through 2 couples counselors, both of which my wife has seen on her own as well. She is on antidepressants now and she has finally agreed to see a counselor to talk about EMDR. I strive each day to be patient and continually take responsibility for all my actions and bad choices. We seldom have good days. Most conversations now she is flooded. She continues to ask questions reviewing over and over how I mentally got to betrayal and goes through the entire affair asking questions about how I did this or that and what I was thinking at this time or that. She then tells me "it doesn't make sense" or "either I'm lying to her or to myself" and endure another lecture about all of it. I have tried to set boundaries to stop the name-calling and belittling. Now she just calls the affair partner names and then tells me I'm just like her. I feel like she wants to move forward, but trauma is stopping her, yet it is hard to get her to recognize she is out of control and destructive. I don't know how to help her move forward and heal so that we can progress together.

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