My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I had a very strong limerent affair 7 years ago. Disclose was 5 years ago and since discovery I have felt the most horrendous guilt and shame for what I did. I gave everything I possibly could to loving my husband and trying to fix the marriage. Even though I did not want anything with the affair partner, why was I still concerned about what he thought of me and wanting him to see me and think I was still amazing. At one point I even went to a place where I knew he would be to show off how good I looked. I wasn't interested in any interaction, just the feeling that I was being desired. I come from an extremely damaged childhood. My father was very abusive, my mother was an alcoholic, had an affair and left my Dad for her affair partner. He ended up beating my mom to death when I was 17. My childhood is one massive blur and I know I came into this marriage extremely damaged. I am now struggling with extreme guilt about my actions after disclosure. Why would I still have done these things and had these thoughts after my disclosure. I was never in love with this guy but it did feel like a drug. How do I let go of the intrusive thoughts on my actions? I so badly want me and my husband to finally heal from this, however I feel if I don't get to the bottom of the reason I would be able to move on and help my husband.