Q&A How Do I Maintain My Own Identity While Still Being Safe in a Relationship?

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Question: 

My mate and I are currently enrolled in EMSO and attempting to develop a healthy relationship with each other. Throughout this process I have been forced to confront past traumas which has been not only difficult, but insightful as well. I am beginning to realize that I exhibit codependent behaviors in relationships. My father was an abusive alcoholic, while my mother was passive towards him. When realized she could not control him, she began to control everything I did. I was sheltered and lived in fear of my parents. In my romantic relationships, I gravitated towards people significantly older than me. In past relationships, I was often financially dependent and placed their needs before my own. Engaging in this cycle left me feeling confused in my identity. I am 25 and feel I have a limited idea of who I am separate from my mate. I have recently expressed the desire to go to more events that cater to my hobbies (art, music, etc). My mate says this makes him feel unsafe and reasons that he sacrifices places he wants to go for me. I feel that is a false equivalence because he was the unfaithful person in our relationship. He refuses to go to the events with me, but does not want me going alone. I have no friends outside of our relationship. He believes I am being selfish. How do I maintain my own identity while still being safe in a relationship?

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