We are less than a week from D-Day and my husband has decided that he wants a separation for the whole month of May. I feel abandoned and rejected, and that being honest backfired on me. I have come to realize over the last several months that I have very low self esteem and a very weak sense of self. I have spent most of my life performing and achieving to gain people's love, acceptance and approval. I haven't intentionally lied to people about who I am, but I have adapted myself to everyone's expectations and therefore made myself into a hologram of whatever would be desirable in a certain circles. I feel like I don't even have an identity because of this. I truly don't want to live this way but I don't know how not to. I'm even seeing now that part of me was only honest with my husband to win the approval and applause of my EMS Online classmates and to boost my self-esteem by saying "see, I'm trying". Now that my husband has left me I have thoughts like "being honest backfired, now I know why I don't do it" and the like. And the feeling of abandonment and rejection leads me to feel like I should just put my mask back on and keep performing and achieving to win my husband back because I am realizing my dependence on his love for my own self worth. I know this is bad but how do I get out of it?