Q&A How Do We Reach Full Disclosure If My Wife Doesn’t Remember the Details?

To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
Gain unlimited access to over 1,800 articles and expert Q&A videos.
Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.


My wife and I have been married for four years. We are high school sweet hearts and have been together for 12 and 1/2 years. We are 7 weeks past D-Day where she came clean about a 6 month affair she was having. 5 days later I had asked her about a situation from 10 years ago that made me suspicious that she was cheating then also. She eventually came clean to cheating on me 10 years ago, and having a 3 month relationship with her cousin (not related by blood but they grew up as cousins her whole life). She was 18 and he was 10 years older and married with children. My wife quickly realized she needed to be honest about all of the details of the affair with the second affair partner and answered all of my questions. I believe we have reached full discovery/disclosure with the recent affair but since the first incident happened 10 years ago and she spent those 10 years trying to stuff it down, she doesn’t remember important details like how it started, how it ended, did he break it of or did she, how often they were together, how many times they did anything sexual, etc. She is trying to remember and knows I need to know these details to reach ground zero. My concern is we are in week 2 of EMS Online (Getting to ground zero) and we keep reading in the workbook and watching videos that full disclosure (ground zero) must occur before healing can happen. My question is how do we reach full disclosure if my wife doesn’t remember the details? Also since I’ve known him as family for 12 years, should I confront him and try to get the answers from him? I’m willing to do the work to repair our marriage, but I can’t fix what she doesn’t remember.



RL_Media Type: 

Full Disclosure

Because for the past 6 years after D-Day, I have found new discoveries. Upon each new discovery it starts with denial then saying he forgets, and eventually to anger that I can’t just move on. I can accept someone forgetting specifics, e.g. dates, content of messages, etc., but it’s hard for me to accept total forgetfulness. He often has said it was years ago so how can he remember what occurred. With more recent discoveries he has said he can’t recall because he had been drinking and besides I already know everything. He feels there is nothing more he can tell me. Would it be detrimental to my wellness or to the rebuilding of our relationship to perhaps give him some questions for him to think about & answer?

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas