Q&A How Do You Define Healing for the Betrayed Spouse?

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I can envision forgiveness and just moving on, but I can’t imagine a day that I will not feel completely crushed and heartbroken by my husband’s choices. What does “healed” look like from your personal and professional experience? Is there ever truly a future with no sadness or do I just have to get used to it? Is it just a feeling of resignation? I am 16 months from disclosure, have done EMS Weekend and Harboring Hope, and my husband has done significant work to heal. He takes full responsibility and is very comforting and supportive to me in my pain. He is doing everything possible and I could not ask for more from him. He is the husband I have always wanted but I can’t enjoy it. I still cry every single day, have trouble focusing on anything else, am unproductive at work etc. I have received counseling from infidelity experts, am on medication, and will start EMDR soon. I want hope that there is an end to this. Is there actual healing? Or am I just supposed to not think about it and get used to a chronic underlying sadness? I realize I am depressed, and my perspective is probably not healthy, but similar questions usually describe things “getting better” as opposed to resolving completely, which makes me fear the future.



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I understand

Dear 16 months out. Hang on! When I was 16 months out I was still in that very same place. I think as he said, it is not unrealistic for some of us to take years to heal. I am 7 years out and had not done any of the work you have described in your question and had to revisit all this to seek healing for myself. You will be in a much different place when you are 3 years out then you are today. You probably just didn't realize it could take so long. None of us do I don't think and for some of us it just takes longer. Don't beat yourself up about that, focus on just one day at a time. I admire you courage and willingness to seek healing. It probably doesn't feel like it now but there will come a time when a day goes by and you don't think about the betrayal. I really do understand the reality of your broken heart and don't think it has anything to do with something you are not doing. Again hang in there and remember like you learned in the Harboring Hope class you took, this is where I struggled, "Letting go of the hope of ever having a better past" that's a hard one! I guess a certain acceptance has to come with that. Again so hard. I said a prayer for you today. Don't give up. God can bring beauty out of ashes!

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